As you can see, X-E has been officially spruced. (Thank you Brian for another kickass design, and Robert for BTS work — you are kindly and kingly gentlemen.) I still have to iron out some of the more minute details, but everything’s looking pretty swank and murderous. New designs make me want to write more. It’s like how my penmanship used to be awesome on the first few pages of a new school notebook. I hope this translates into more site content, but if it doesn’t, at least we get to look at Glowing Slimer™ for two months. Possibly seven months.
Oh, and thanks for your great Halloween suggestions! I’m definitely going to roll with a number of them. Now I just need to hire someone to write in my name, and I can go back to raking in tens of billions of dollars worth of ad revenue for doing nothing but watching Sopranos reruns on HBO On Demand. (PS: In the episode where they fight with the Native Americans about Columbus Day, there’s this great cutaway of Patsy Parisi randomly growling. I suggest watching it 40-50 times in a row for maximum impact.)
Moving on: Dots.
Some of you may remember my complete and utter fascination with “Ghost Dots” from this 2007 Halloween Countdown entry. In the article, I complained that the actual candies did not retain the facial features of the Ghost Dots shown on the packaging. Many others online shared this complaint. It was a web-wide Ghost Dots No-Face Protest. We had a petitiononline.com page and everything. Totally epic.
Months later, I actually received an e-mail from the person who designed the “Ghost Dots” package. The designer admitted that his superiors worried that customers would expect to see little happy faces on their candies, but he assured them that we wouldn’t. He was wrong. I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been in prison for killing him.
Facial features or not, “Ghost Dots” became an instant Halloween classic, and this year, they have sequels! Shown above is the Dots “Halloween Mix” — a collection of 18 mini-boxes stuffed with one of three different spooky-themed Dots flavors. Every grab is a gamble, but there are no losers in this game.
They’re way too adorable to eat. Way, way too adorable. I can find uglier candies to eat. These deserve to be in some kind of malformed Zen garden.
The attention to detail is phenomenal. Even aside from the magnificent bag in its green foiled glory, Tootsie actually gave each of the three flavors its own specific box. The makers of these “fun-sized” candy bags usually skimp out when it comes to that. I love Tootsie. I want to marry it.
A breakdown of the terrible trio:
Ghost Dots: The OG of the group. I’ve already written more about Ghost Dots than the collective output of everyone else on the planet, so I’ll keep it brief. The taste is akin a muted lime, but it’s impossible to know what Tootsie was really aiming for since the flavor’s official title is “Ghost Mystery.” I like food that outwits me.
Bat Dots: Okay, Bat Dots are seriously something else. The only reason that I have not named them the #1 Halloween Dot is because I am a loyal fucker and cannot commit such treason. But, if you haven’t already sworn allegiance to Ghost Dots, you’ll probably like these even better.
The box features a black dot with big wings and a cartoony smiley face drawn on, which isn’t really that misleading since nobody is gullible enough to expect Dots with edible wings. It’s a save-something-for-heaven situation. In reality, they’re even cooler: Pure BLACK Dots, as black or possibly even blacker than coal. You’ll want to throw incense on these things.
And the flavor? NOT LICORICE. Finally, a pure black candy that doesn’t submit to social pressure by flavoring itself like horrible licorice! Nope, the official flavor of Bat Dots is “blood orange,” and it’s delicious. Nearly perfect on every front.
Candy Corn Dots: I hate candy corn, and so do you, but the tone of this post was been way too complimentary for me to switch gears now. Instead of griping, I will now present not one, but two redeeming factors. One, there’s a scarecrow pictured on the boxes who looks like a hay-version of the patient guy from Operation. Two, these are two-tone Dots! Extra colors make everything better — even things intended to taste like candy corn.
I have nothing else to say. Today’s enthusiasm has been spent.