Mountain Dew Voltage and Operation Fruit Snacks.

Not much has changed since I last smacked the keyboard and pushed the stupid “publish” button, which for some reason always takes 3-4 clicks to actually work. Perhaps this is WordPress’s way of making me really think about what I’m putting out there. Or maybe it’s because I use a really hideous wireless mouse that refuses to function if its receiver is within 37 miles of any other electronic device.

I turned 30. Big, scary number. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel just a little bit old. With my vices, 30 is practically middle-aged. And I’m now faced with the awful truth that most of the world’s hottest celebrities are younger than me. That just pisses me the fuck off.

I’m fine with being 30 in real life. On the Internet, I wish I was 26 or 27. I should’ve lied about my birth year when I started X-E, because then I’d have another 3 or 4 years before people who hate me would have the right to describe me as “some thirty-something idiot who writes about soda and fruit snacks all day.” Oh well — I cannot escape my destiny:

Looks like I missed the hubbub, but apparently, the latest Mountain Dew spinoff was chosen by “we the people” for a national release. More importantly, the latest Mountain Dew spinoff is some kind of crazy ass electric blue. My brain and heart are at odds on this one. My brain wonders how PepsiCo could forget the massive risk involved with blue soft drinks, as evidenced with their earlier “Pepsi Blue” nightmare. (Which I covered in that oft-plagiarized opus, Dead Sodas.) Still, my heart loves the idea of drinking carbonated Romulan Ale too much to care.

When it comes to blue drinks, everyone wants to like them. Hell, just typing the term “blue drink” had made me 15% happier overall. We want to like blue drinks — and maybe we genuinely do — but when you get all objective and philosophical about it, there just aren’t going to be a lot of opportunities to down a bottle of blue soda without feeling stupid. It’s a little too precious. If McDonald’s started shaping their McNuggets like ninja stars, I’d be the first person in line for a golden arches tattoo, but I’d probably never eat Chicken McNuggets again. I don’t know if that’s a truly correlating analogy, but it’s late, and I’m stoned.

Did I really get this far without even telling you the name of this new blue drink? Seems I did. It’s Mountain Dew Voltage, and it’s “charged” with raspberry citrus flavor and ginseng. I always panic when I read “ginseng” on a beverage label, because it’s usually code for “something that will make me sad.” But it’s not so bad. It’s sweet as fuck, and I sorta feel as if I’m drinking from a pool of seventeen different soft drinks upon every sip, but it’s not so bad. Actually, it tastes like melted down Fla-Vor-Ices — and that is definitely “not so bad.”

And it is blue. Really blue. It’s not quite “ocean blue,” but if you were to color an ocean using crayons, it’s that kind of blue. It’s crayon ocean blue. I don’t foresee myself purchasing Mountain Dew Voltage too often in the future, but then again, as the first few paragraphs detail, I’m only allowed to drink warm milk and Sanka now. Fuuuuuck.

Click here to visit Voltage’s official website. It could change your life, though probably not as much as eating a cherry fruit snack version of the Operation dude’s funny bone.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around these. Kellogg’s has taken plenty of hope shots in the past, but Operation fruit snacks? Seriously? Operation? It’s a nice idea if you’re a fool blogger who needs to lose some writer rust on an easy target, but what about everyone else?

Fruit snacks are mainly marketed to elementary school kids, but are children really going to pick Operation over Batman, Optimus, Miley, Barbie and whatever other fruit snack themes are out there? No way, I say. Fruit snack themes usually come by way of a certain something’s Q score at the schoolyard, and “the wacky doctor game” just does not rate in 2009.

Looking at the snacks, I realize that it’d take a psychotically advanced mind to connect Operation to them without the clues provided by the box and foily wrappers. There are frogs, birds, bells, dogs — all stuff that ties into the board game, but not in any remarkably iconic way. Really, it’s the sort of inane assortment you’d expect from a generic brand of fruit snacks found at the comically ethnic closeout store on the wrong side of the tracks. Plus, from everything I’ve seen, the individual packets include too many yellows and nowhere near enough reds. I consider this a personal insult, and so should you.

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525 Responses to Mountain Dew Voltage and Operation Fruit Snacks.

  1. Barry says:

    As long as the figure is smooth and has a rounded end I can think of a very special use for it.

  2. Ben says:

    The advent calendar is gone? Oh no!

  3. tanta07 says:

    And is it too much to ask for a regular, plan ‘ol Batman figure? Every Batman action figure I see has like arctic gear, samuari swords, gold armor, rocket launchers, etc. The hardest Batman figure to find is the regular old Batman from the movies/cartoons/comics.

  4. kingklash says:

    The Force Five syndicated package was made up of five different shows from Japan, and was loosley connected to Mattel’s Shogun Warriors line of imported Giant Robot toys. And where I got my number-one-happy-feeling-super-gold-you like it lots, Joe? Xmas Present: Great Mazinga. The Jumbo Machinders were among the coolest toys ever brought over the Pacific during the heady days of the 70’s. Some day, I will get me another one. Here’s a YouTube of a old ad:

  5. Annette says:

    Force Five, haha. I was shocked when I found out about that thing, and also shocked when I found out about the Shogun Warriors toyline, because I never thought that stuff would have seen the light of day on Western shores! I mean, Grendizer? Gaiking? Amazing. Anyway, Great Mazinger is badass. Really want to see the original version of that show. I also wouldn’t mind somehow getting my hands on some of those Shogun Warriors toys.

  6. DJ D says:

    “As long as the figure is smooth and has a rounded end I can think of a very special use for it.”

    Oh dear.

  7. squee4242 says:

    I must have a print-worth resolution of that FBI poster! It will look perfect next to my copy of Kate Austen’s mugshots.

    It’s REALLY difficult for me to rank anything higher than the episode where Benry throw a mid-freeway hissy fit, but that might have been the best LOST of the season so far. I just adore when they do exactly the opposite of what I want (S/J) and make me love it anyway.

    Fake Barry, I think smoothness is the opposite of what you’re looking for in that situation. Sex toys: ur doing it wrong πŸ˜‰

  8. Kid Nicky says:

    There’s actually a new Mazinger Z coming out in Japan this fall I think. I’m sure it’ll hit the interwebs seconds after broadcast.

  9. KING JLA says:

    This is the greatest infomericial of all time simply because of the comment Vince makes at the 55 second mark.

  10. Jack says:

    I have always wanted to see Mazinger Z in its original form with subtitles. I used to watch the toned down and translated version, Tranzor Z, every day when I was a kid and loved it.

  11. TOmmy! says:

    the best episode of squidbillies EVER! the Tuscaloosa Dumplin’!

    “you done rung her doorbell dry and you STILL want her! now you a MAN! WHOOO!”

    http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c392193796c30119391f375a008d

  12. Goob says:

    I disagree squee. I mean, if he is putting it up his ass I would assume it would be painful if it were anything other than smooth. Its ok you have probably never done anything like this but for those of us who have smooth is always the way to go.

  13. kb says:

    whee! I am excited about that poster and I do not know why πŸ˜‰

  14. Bill says:

    Poltergeist is on AMC in a few minutes. And now Thursday has taken a turn for the awesome.

  15. Diego says:

    Has Matt said if he really plans on finishing the Advent Calendar? Or should I just shove my hopes up my ass?

  16. BUCKLY! says:

    How was this article NOT written by Matt?

    http://www.gunaxin.com/a-tribute-to-discontinued-cereals/11570

    (I mean in terms of the subject and not necessarily the writing.)

  17. DJ D says:

    I don’t know if I like the turn this conversation has taken. If any of you folks ever swing by my place, I’m hiding my action figures.

    I wonder how many spent My Buddys and Kid Sisters are over at Barry’s place, desperate for rescue.

  18. Tutsuro says:

    Of course, Matt did write about no less than three of the cereals on that site.

  19. velouria_78 says:

    BUCKLY! I have a friend that sent me the soda and the cereal article from that site. I couldn’t help but say “Oh, that’s cute. But if you really want to read about sodas and cereal…” and then sent a barrage of articles from the past decade of x-e. They may never send me another link again.

  20. Annette says:

    Yeah, I read their dead soda article and it just wasn’t as entertaining as Matt’s. The writing just wasn’t as clever. X-E has spoiled me. XD

  21. penmissile says:

    Yay! That bloody advent calender is off the main page – which means Christmas is finally over!

  22. Cigar says:

    They really Billy Gunn’ed that calendar.

  23. Muppet Baby says:

    LOST had me alternately screaming “WTF”?? and “NOOOOOOO!” but I loved it.

    I would like to see Thundercats again…although the cartoon as it was was solid gold, and a remake would probably be done poorly…

  24. Teddy Ray says:

    It’s REALLY difficult for me to rank anything higher than the episode where Benry throw a mid-freeway hissy fit, but that might have been the best LOST of the season so far. I just adore when they do exactly the opposite of what I want (S/J) and make me love it anyway.

    squee4242, I’m guessing (S/J) means Sawyer/Juliet, but what episode are you talking about at the beginning? I’m confused.

    I dig Squidbillies, too, TOmmy! Unknown Hinson is an unsung genius.

    I’m learning things about some of you I don’t want to know. And if any of you ever come to my house, I’m hiding my action figures.

  25. Amber says:

    To me the Voltage taste like the blue part of a Bomb Pop

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