I was digging through my many storage boxes for a top secret project, and was surprised to find a Ziploc bag filled with ancient scratch ‘n sniff stickers. I have no idea how they came to be in my possession, but I’m not complaining: This was a magic Ziploc bag, sealed so supernaturally tight that all of the stickers somehow retained their goofy odors for around 25 years now.

Most of the assortment was of the official Mellow Smello variety. Scratch ‘n sniff stickers were made by dozens (if not hundreds) of companies, but Mello Smellos were the standard by which all other stickers-that-smelled were compared. The fad rose in the ’70s — before my time — but it was still going strong enough in the ’80s for virtually every kid in class to have at least one heavily-fingernailed sticker placed at an awkward angle on their marble notebook.

Since my little batch of stickers was kept in such tremendous shape, it seemed like a waste to dump them back in the bottom of a cardboard box. Instead, let’s review the collection and see what these legendarily odorous stickers actually smelled like.

TOP ROW:

Hot Fudge Sundae: There’s a definite chocolate waft to this one. Kinda like Rolos. I would’ve given Mello Smello several thousand bonus points had they gone through the trouble of making the little cherry section actually smell like cherries, but even as is, it’s making me want candy.

Baby Powder: I figured this would be an easy smell to replicate, and I was right. Good God, I don’t think I’ve ever smelled a scratch ‘n sniff sticker that delivered on its promise to such a level. The baby powder odor is huge and unmistakable. I feel 10% cleaner just by virtue of having placed the sticker one inch from my nose.

Caramel Apple: A bit more subdued in comparison, but the caramel scent is prominent enough. Sadly, this one is fighting with a disadvantage since it was stuck right next to the Baby Powder sticker in the Ziploc bag. The caramel is there, but so is the baby powder. And the baby powder is winning.

BOTTOM ROW:

Sniffy Peanut Butter: I gotta admit — I don’t remember scratch ‘n sniff stickers working this well. Maybe I subsisted on lower quality editions in my youth? In any event, this smells so much like real peanut butter that I’m halfway convinced that the sticker is edible, and the only thing stopping me is knowing that I won’t be able to decorate any notebooks with a peanut buttery sticker if it’s in my stomach. Good show, Sniffy.

Strawberry Shake: Christ, this is amazing! This shit smells exactly like Strawberry Quik! Exactly! Even more incredible is the fact that I haven’t had Strawberry Quik since I gave up on straight up milk over two decades ago, and yet, I still know that this smells just like it! Whether that’s a testament to the sticker or to Quik, I leave up to you.

Popcorn: Hmm. Not sure about this one. It definitely smells like something, but I don’t think it’s popcorn. (Or butter, or oil, or anything else that would seem justified.) It’s, dare I say, a little nasty, and I don’t want to ruin this entry’s overall palatability by describing what its scent brings to mind. On the plus side, I really like the sticker itself.

Raspberry Go-Play Yogurt: On my first whiff, I only surmised that this smelled like random berries. On my second whiff, the unmistakable combination of berries + yogurt prevailed. I’ve read about how scratch ‘n sniff stickers work (a scented fragrance is plastered across the stickers, which is then “activated” when scratched), but I can’t for the life of me determine how these companies so perfectly mimicked certain smells. Yogurt with berries? How do you make something that smells like that without actually using yogurt and berries? Voodoo?

Rose: They don’t smell like roses, but they do smell like “artificial flowers,” which is to say, the chemical shit that toy companies frequently spray on girly dolls to make them more noseworthy. I don’t know if “flowers” would’ve been my first guess if there wasn’t a big ass rose depicted to help clue me in, but it’s a nice smell, all in all.

Tiny Martini: My absolute favorite of the batch, and I’m so glad that it’s one of the few Mello Smellos that I somehow acquired two of. One for show, one for private worship. I’m not sure why they insisted on calling them “tiny” martinis (by this logic, the others should’ve had titles like “Tiny Rose” and “Tiny Raspberry Go-Play Yogurt”), but this is a minor gripe for what’s assuredly the most awesome scratch ‘n sniff sticker concept in history. A martini! A martini sticker that smells like martinis!

Since I only drink vodka martinis, it took me a moment to comprehend this one. Finally, it hit me: They smell like gin! When I was in my late teens, a few friends and I spent the evening drinking gin and tonics. After 17 of them, I got so sick that I swore off gin forever. I haven’t had more than a few sips of the stuff in almost a decade. The smell of gin still makes me queasy, and in a roundabout-but-still-perfectly-valid compliment, these adhesive martinis make me want to wretch. They really smell like gin.

What a strange thing to write about on a Sunday night. If only HBO wasn’t in reruns.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!