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Touchdown Crunch is not free.

Ahhh, the first (real) post of 2009. I think I'll blow the milestone on Cap'n Crunch.

On a hot tip from a reader, I found myself paying the ridiculous $8 bridge toll to get to the nearest Wal-Mart over in Jersey, just for the chance to own the latest in an incredibly long string of Cap'n Crunch spinoffs. It's called Touchdown Crunch, and though it isn't even the first time our friendly captain has dressed as a football player, I still find the idea of football-themed Cap'n Crunch 100% insane.

Maybe it's because I can see the lie on Cap'n Crunch's face. He's sold out, and he knows that we know he sold out. Yet, there he is, grasping the pigskin and forcing a smile, silently wondering if he's crossed the invisible line that determines acceptable behavior for a naval hero with loose ties to pirates. It's not for me to say, but football has to come close to crossing that line.

The real problem is the cereal itself. The box boasts a "limited edition" inclusion of football-shaped green and blue pieces, but as you can see, they are decidedly NOT football shaped, looking completely like normal Crunchberries -- albeit blue and green ones. These cereal bits aren't even close to football-shaped. If I poured you a bowl and made you guess, you would never respond with "footballs." Never!

All told, we have a terrible mix: A theme that I don't care about, a totally nonfunctional special feature, and nary a plastic army man freebie to keep me occupied. Three strikes and I'm ready to kill Cap'n Crunch. The only reason I haven't is because I still appreciate what he did for me last month. But ol' Crunch can't ride that wave forever. If he screws up again, you'll be hearing about both of us on the evening news.

I was probably the only person on the planet who asked for the 25-page Free Stuff For Everyone guide this Christmas, but I'm glad I did. For years, I've been lamenting the loss of one of my favorite childhood books, titled 1001 Things Free. "Book" might be a strong word; it was only a "book" in the sense that it was made of pages and bounded together. Published annually at least until the early '90s, 1001 Things Free was always on my order form when I blew money on shit from the Johnson-Smith catalog.

Printed on phonebook-style paper, 1001 Things Free featured an enormous list of samples, doodads, pamphlets and novelties that were ours for the asking. All we had to do was send letters to random companies, chip in for the shipping and wait 6-800 weeks for our worthless baubles to arrive by mail. In the pre-Internet age, it was a terrific way for us shut-ins to pass the time. With diligence, I managed to get more mail than anyone else in my family, even if all it amounted to was horse stickers, half-inch magnets and sheets of paper that told me the proper way to collect seashells.

1001 Things Free was only the most popular in a fairly large series of books that rattled off random freebies. (If you're around the same age as me and liked ordering from grade school book clubs, you might remember a similar entity titled Free Stuff For Kids.) This "freebie guide" genre has largely gone extinct, due in no small part to the thousands of upstart websites that do the same thing, but in more up-to-date fashion. The shitty pamphlet shown above was published pretty recently, and seems to be one of the only freebie guides left that lives on honest to goodness paper.

While not as thorough as 1001 Things Free used to be, there's a fair amount of amazing crap to be found within the guide's 25 pages. Just from the photo above, you've got a chance to score everything from glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs to bug magnets -- and there's at least a hundred other offers just like those. I wouldn't spend the energy to pick this stuff up off the ground if I walked past it, but there's just something about getting random nonsense in the mail that will forever intrigue me.

Why do companies make these offers? Many reasons, and they have nothing to do with charity. For some, it's an opportunity to get you on their catalog mailing lists. For others, even the nominal shipping charge is enough for them to make a small profit, which is then multiplied by tens of thousands into a larger profit. (In the case of the glowing dinosaurs offer, we can assume them to be those flat, lightweight wall decorations that are usually sold in multi-packs. Assuming they send you two of them, the shipping cost will be less than half of the two bucks they're charging, and even after you factor in the cost of the actual dinos, they're pretty much ripping you off.)

This particular pamphlet has a few bad reviews on Amazon, and I can see why. The authors really stretched the idea of what people would consider a "freebie." In many cases, they simply tell you the URLs of food companies who include recipes somewhere on their websites. Still, if you dig deep enough, there's enough here to give your pen a busy afternoon. I'm sending away for around a dozen freebies tomorrow, and once some of 'em get here, I'll do a follow-up. Won't that be exciting?

As for the Advent Calendar, don't fret. I won't let 2008 (2009?) turn into 2002. We'll get there, and I'll figure out some way to turn this lateness into a positive thing for the story. I'm also hoping not to kill all of the site's December momentum just yet, so expect new blog posts pretty much everyday. Stay tuned; beware the crabs.

Posted by Matt on 01/01/2009. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 148 comments

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To Yuan Jing: WTF???

Chestnuts roasted by Jess @ 01/04/2009 11:16 AM


That may be the single greatest post in the history of ever.

Chestnuts roasted by Whitebacon @ 01/04/2009 1:15 PM


Yuan Jing almost made my head asplode.

Chestnuts roasted by Teddy Ray @ 01/04/2009 2:00 PM


dude is Yuan Jing maybe a fake poster to give us a clue to the calendar ending?

Matt and any Nj NY COnneticut PA people…I’m gonna try this month sometime to take a trip up to Milford NJ, and check out the remains of a old defunct Amusement Park called Jungle Habitat. There is some stuff about it on Weird NJ.com and also on Wiki.

There has been talk of wild animals still living in the woods there, and old ass artifacts, like soda cans and food wrappers from the 70′s…woo! I want a 70′s coke can!

Chestnuts roasted by mandy_Reeves @ 01/04/2009 2:34 PM


The old abandoned amusement park? Where the sexy teens were murdered exactly one year ago tonight?

Bring your hook and your black slicker, mandy reeves.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. Back It On Up 13 @ 01/04/2009 2:44 PM


Matthew Lesko on Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Lesko

Guessing that, Yuan Ling is some type of a troll.

Chestnuts roasted by Tresjolie9 @ 01/04/2009 3:37 PM


Yuan Ling must be using some sort of translating software. Like a Chinese to Yoda translation, or something.

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 01/04/2009 4:12 PM


You know, I’m pretty jazzed because I remembered this is the year that will finally bring us the Ghostbusters video game plus a slew of movies that should be good… GI Joe, Wolverine, F13, Transformers 2, Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, etc etc. Lots to look forward to!

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 01/04/2009 4:45 PM


Fire up the Mystery Machine, mandy_reeves… Sounds like the gang has a mystery to solve!!

ZOIKS!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Fungusmungus @ 01/04/2009 5:35 PM


Ahhh the tree came down today. All signs of christmas are gone and the holiday is truly dead for this year. I need a bucket of chicken…

Chestnuts roasted by thejyav @ 01/04/2009 6:19 PM


My tree is down, too. I am stubbornly holding on to one string of lights in my kitchen, and a little santa on my husband’s desk that he wants to never put away. I can’t believe my living room looks this dismal 10.5 months a year. Pathetic.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. Back It On Up 13 @ 01/04/2009 7:47 PM


Mandy-
I just checked out the WeirdNJ article,and maybe I’m just a huge nerd,but it reminded me of the level from Smash Bros. Sub Space where you go through the old zoo.

Mystie-
The great thing about G.I. Joe is that it might be good,but if it’s bad you know it’s going to be hillarious. So you get your money’s worth either way.

Chestnuts roasted by Kid Nicky @ 01/04/2009 7:54 PM


Matthew Lesko: Holy Fucking Shit! That guy lives in my wife’s neighborhood outside of Silver Spring, MD! He wears his green outfit (ala The Riddler) with the question marks 24/7. That, and the Willie Wonka glasses Johnny Depp wore, except they are green. He and his wife drive a Cooper Mini with questions marks all over it. (And she sports an outfit similar to his). One day, he was coming out of the post office on his Vespa Scooter, and yes, even it is green with question marks all over it. And guess what? I nearly ran him over! What a tap in the shorts that would have been!

Jungle Habitat: Yes, I heard there were some baboons still on the loose. Search previous posts about my Cub Scout trip where Iver Iverson opened the window and baboons were sticking their arms into the bus. Big yuks from that story!

Chestnuts roasted by Alexander @ 01/04/2009 8:02 PM


So is anybody else as bored as I am right now? I’m going crazy over here. Weekends are the worst– ironically, they’re the only days of the week on which nobody I know is available to do anything. :|

Chestnuts roasted by Annette @ 01/04/2009 8:54 PM


The last of the Christmas decorations came down at our house over the weekend, too. It is always kind of sad to pack up the Christmas stuff for another year.

I paid my final respects to the local KB Toys on Thursday. Everything was marked 50% off and there wasn’t much left on the shelves. It was kind of depressing. This KB Toys has been in the same local mall since the mall itself opened in 1979 (the same year I was born). Lots of childhood memories attached to the place, but like many others, I can’t recall buying anything in a KB in about a decade. I did pick up a couple packages of those Galactic Heroes-esque Indiana Jones figures as one last purchase. RIP KB.

Also, Spike TV has started running the updated version of Unsolved Mysteries in marathon-sized chunks during the daytime hours lately. Worth setting the DVR for. The new host they got is OK, but no Robert Stack. One of these days I will buy the DVD sets!

Chestnuts roasted by Jon @ 01/04/2009 9:09 PM


January is usually pretty dead around here, although this January contains a dubious milestone for me. On January 10th, I will have been unemployed for exactly one year. It’s okay though. I’m still in school right now, and I live at home fairly cheaply. I just end having a lot of free time during the day, so I end up doing a lot of at-home stuff (mostly repairs and cleaning) that would probably be seriously delayed otherwise.

Chestnuts roasted by Thomas @ 01/04/2009 9:58 PM


ooo, I love me some Weird NJ. I even get the subscription sent down to me in NoVa! The book had this big spread on Action Park (aka ‘Traction Park’) and I really believe if you lived in NJ in the 80s or early 90s you managed to seriously injure yourself there. It’s this weird shared experience no matter where your currently live.

@Jon: My college was on Unsolved Mysteries in ’94! Woo! Naturally I didn’t know this ’till *after* I was a student there :-P

Chestnuts roasted by Ann @ 01/04/2009 10:25 PM


Mystie- Maybe THIS movie will finally come out too!

Chestnuts roasted by PlantMonster @ 01/04/2009 10:59 PM


I remember free stuff for kids. Cheers.

Chestnuts roasted by Jade @ 01/05/2009 1:44 PM


My friends said if the advent calender never reaches completion, they’re going to hurt me

Please Matt…please

Chestnuts roasted by Precursor @ 01/08/2009 3:08 AM


There’s also a “Home Run Crunch” and a “Treasure Hunt Crunch” in case you were interested doing an article:

http://www.capncrunch.com/

Chestnuts roasted by CerealFan @ 01/08/2009 10:16 AM


Hi, what state did you find this cereal?
I’ve been looking all over the place for other Cap N Crunch flavors since last summer including Wal-Marts and it seems the distribution is really bad in the Northern Virginia area. So far I’ve only found Choco Crunch at alternative supermarket about 6 miles from my the place I’m currently renting/staying.

Otherwise its turned up completely dry. I missed Halloween Crunch and Christmas Crunch. I’m sure I’ll also miss Touchdown Crunch after football season ends. This distribution thing at Wal-Mart is a really sorry situation. Its bad with everything over there from food to action figures. Hate this store.

Chestnuts roasted by Douglas Jones @ 01/10/2009 12:52 PM


I lost track of everything over the summer. Were there summer Advent Calendar episodes that I missed? There were too many references during these new episodes to ignore, but I can’t, for the life of me, find them if they exist. Can I get a link?

Chestnuts roasted by Ipsilon @ 01/14/2009 4:38 PM


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