Because Christmas is a time for frivolous, regrettable spending. Because the neighbors have really stepped up their outdoor decorating prowess this year. Because I have blood and not ice water running through my veins. For these reasons and more, I bought THIS:
Look close. Look very close. Now do your spit take. Yes, it’s an official INFLATABLE LEG LAMP LAWN ORNAMENT, based on the bastion of electric sex from A Christmas Story.
Is it cheap? No. Few major awards are. But it isn’t much more expensive than, say, an inflatable Tigger-in-a-Santa-cap lawn ornament. This is so, sooo much cooler than some random, shitty Tigger. Like, ten thousand times cooler.
A Christmas Story merchandise has exploded in recent years, to the point where the truly devoted even purchase bars of Lifebuoy soap simply to decorate with. More commonly, people go for the Leg Lamps, which come in sizes ranging from movie-scale down to nite-lites.
I actually own one of the mid-sized Leg Lamps, and for a time, I considered it the classiest item in my personal inventory. Well, no more. Now I have seventy-two inches of bumpy, balloony Leg Lamp magic, and if there’s a way to depreciate the property values of your surrounding neighbors quicker than this, I haven’t seen it.
The Inflatable Leg Lamp Lawn Ornament™ fluctuates in price, but it’s currently on Amazon for seventy bucks. That’s where I purchased it, despite the reviews from previous customers who weren’t happy with their six foot blow-up leg lamp — a statement that sounds nearly like an oxymoron.
These joyless complainers cited slow pumping time and brittle lawn stakes as the reasons for their low scores, but come on — every inflatable lawn ornament is a cheaply made pain in the ass. Drive around your neighborhood one night, and count the number of blow-up snowmen with their faces in the grass. Frequent disappointment is to be expected with inflatable lawn ornaments. It’s the price you pay for those scant few moments when they work just right and make you feel like a holiday celebrity.
After letting the included electric air pump work its magic for a while, my plastic muse was ready for photographing. Get ready for the most monumental feel-good moment of the 2008 Christmas season: The fully-blown, six foot tall Christmas Story Inflatable Leg Lamp Lawn Ornament!
And now you know why God invented drum rolls. I mean, holy shit! Even with my horribly unfocused photo, can you not see that this hideous monstrosity is the grandest gift one could ever hope to receive?
It’s just incredible. The actual leg portion is filled with white lights, which shake independently from the rest of the lamp for an added touch of movie realism. It’s also enormous. It dwarves our Christmas tree, and due to its surprisingly phallic shape, it makes me feel like 1/100th the man that I did before I opened the box.
Are there words to describe this inflatable treasure? Yes, but only Ninja Turtles and thirteen-year-old surfers can get away with saying them. I’ll settle on this: <3 <3 <3 <3
Christmas is an an opportunity for us to be goofy without reproach, and a time when we can chalk our quirky splurges up to a sense of holiday spirit. Do not waste this opportunity — a chance to use all disposable income not on some lame certificate of deposit, but on a 72″ inflatable woman leg. And if not that, then pick some other ridiculous thing. The moral-ridden climaxes of holiday movies and TV specials might say otherwise, but seriously, this is what Christmas is all about.
OH MY GOD, I HAVE A SIX FOOT INFLATABLE LEG LAMP.
The Mr. Snowman Sno-Cone Maker!
Christmas Crunch Cereal: The 2008 Edition.
Humble Bumble’s Bumble Chase!
Spumoni Ice Cream?
The Chia Pet Christmas Tree!