The Christmas Story INFLATABLE LEG LAMP!

Because Christmas is a time for frivolous, regrettable spending. Because the neighbors have really stepped up their outdoor decorating prowess this year. Because I have blood and not ice water running through my veins. For these reasons and more, I bought THIS:

Look close. Look very close. Now do your spit take. Yes, it’s an official INFLATABLE LEG LAMP LAWN ORNAMENT, based on the bastion of electric sex from A Christmas Story.

Is it cheap? No. Few major awards are. But it isn’t much more expensive than, say, an inflatable Tigger-in-a-Santa-cap lawn ornament. This is so, sooo much cooler than some random, shitty Tigger. Like, ten thousand times cooler.

A Christmas Story merchandise has exploded in recent years, to the point where the truly devoted even purchase bars of Lifebuoy soap simply to decorate with. More commonly, people go for the Leg Lamps, which come in sizes ranging from movie-scale down to nite-lites.

I actually own one of the mid-sized Leg Lamps, and for a time, I considered it the classiest item in my personal inventory. Well, no more. Now I have seventy-two inches of bumpy, balloony Leg Lamp magic, and if there’s a way to depreciate the property values of your surrounding neighbors quicker than this, I haven’t seen it.

The Inflatable Leg Lamp Lawn Ornamentâ„¢ fluctuates in price, but it’s currently on Amazon for seventy bucks. That’s where I purchased it, despite the reviews from previous customers who weren’t happy with their six foot blow-up leg lamp — a statement that sounds nearly like an oxymoron.

These joyless complainers cited slow pumping time and brittle lawn stakes as the reasons for their low scores, but come on — every inflatable lawn ornament is a cheaply made pain in the ass. Drive around your neighborhood one night, and count the number of blow-up snowmen with their faces in the grass. Frequent disappointment is to be expected with inflatable lawn ornaments. It’s the price you pay for those scant few moments when they work just right and make you feel like a holiday celebrity.

After letting the included electric air pump work its magic for a while, my plastic muse was ready for photographing. Get ready for the most monumental feel-good moment of the 2008 Christmas season: The fully-blown, six foot tall Christmas Story Inflatable Leg Lamp Lawn Ornament!

And now you know why God invented drum rolls. I mean, holy shit! Even with my horribly unfocused photo, can you not see that this hideous monstrosity is the grandest gift one could ever hope to receive?

It’s just incredible. The actual leg portion is filled with white lights, which shake independently from the rest of the lamp for an added touch of movie realism. It’s also enormous. It dwarves our Christmas tree, and due to its surprisingly phallic shape, it makes me feel like 1/100th the man that I did before I opened the box.

Are there words to describe this inflatable treasure? Yes, but only Ninja Turtles and thirteen-year-old surfers can get away with saying them. I’ll settle on this: <3 <3 <3 <3

Christmas is an an opportunity for us to be goofy without reproach, and a time when we can chalk our quirky splurges up to a sense of holiday spirit. Do not waste this opportunity — a chance to use all disposable income not on some lame certificate of deposit, but on a 72″ inflatable woman leg. And if not that, then pick some other ridiculous thing. The moral-ridden climaxes of holiday movies and TV specials might say otherwise, but seriously, this is what Christmas is all about.

OH MY GOD, I HAVE A SIX FOOT INFLATABLE LEG LAMP.

RECENT CHRISTMASSY FEATURES:
The Mr. Snowman Sno-Cone Maker!
Christmas Crunch Cereal: The 2008 Edition.
Humble Bumble’s Bumble Chase!
Spumoni Ice Cream?
The Chia Pet Christmas Tree!

158 thoughts on “The Christmas Story INFLATABLE LEG LAMP!

  1. Cameron T.

    Plantmonster

    Put your link in the “Website” box and it won’t stretch the blog….

    I’m watching JINGLE ALL ZEE WAY! BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

    Was out at Target earlier…it wasn’t that bad…

  2. Reesie

    I live near Cleveland and I thought that those Empire commercials were also just a local thing!

  3. jack

    Has anybody else here ever had a problem with Fedex. Every time I have something shipped to me by them its an ordeal. A third of the time they try to deliver it to the wrong address, a couple of times they lost my packages and had to reimburse me, and in my latest case a package shipped a mere hundred miles from my house is still in limbo after a week. I was supposed to get it yesterday and it was supposedly on the delivery truck, but when I checked last night they said it couldn’t be delivered because of weather. The warehouse they ship from is not far from my house, and there was NO weather problem here yesterday. It was in the late 40s with a light drizzle. And the roads were clearer than I have seen them in a while, since I guess a lot of people take off this time of year. I know shipping companies are busier this time of year, but I ordered something from further away that was shipped by UPS the same day the order from Fedex was shipped, and I received the UPS order the following day. If I have something shipped USPS, DHS, or UPS I never have a problem. In the one case I did have a problem with UPS they actually corrected the issue rather quickly. I was actually able to talk to somebody from the local shipping center who knew what I was talking about. That can’t be done here with Fedex. The phone book has two numbers for the local Fedex, one is never picked up and one is a fax machine. Is Fedex like this everywhere or just here? If I have a choice I never pick them even if it costs more, but some companies don’t give you a choice.

  4. ULTRAMAN

    Wait, somebody refresh my memory. Are these empire carpet cleaning commercials the ones with the CGI old man that looks like Stan Lee?

  5. jack

    Yes, thats what the Empire Carpet commercials in Maryland look like. I too thought they were a local company. The commercials just have that feel to them for me.

  6. Kid Nicky

    KingKlash-
    Hillarious.

    Ultraman-
    Godzilla Vs. King Ghidorah is so awesome. I love that running bionic dude. Wow now I wanna fire up the Godzilla Wii game. I wish that had online play!

  7. Loneman1

    “Low intensity piledriver” cracked me up! Awesome stuff right there. You da man Matt!

  8. Frakkyfire

    Oh my GOD, I HAVE THIS LAMP!!! We bought it last year from Chapters after Christmas and were so pumped about setting it up this year … and then discovered that we’ve no idea where the fucker is since we moved. Aaaaagh!

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