Being an Advent Calendar fan favorite, it was only a matter of time before Mista Snowman expanded his empire.

From Lanard, it’s the official Mr. Snowman Sno-Cone Maker! These have been around for years, serving as a contingency plan for treat-seekers who are unable to locate the more popular Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, which is essentially the same exact thing. Arduous Internet research tells me that Mr. Snowman’s journey has been filled with legal wrangling and ups-and-downs. Pretty incredible for what amounts to a hunk of plastic that turns ice cubes into mush.

Though the winter months seem like an odd time to push a device that makes such distinctly summery treats, I have to admit that the thing does feel “gift worthy.” I could see giving this to many of my nieces and nephews for Christmas, and while I doubt that they’d applaud me for it, I certainly don’t think that they’d pay a rabid dog to bite my dick off in response.

You get everything shown above, excluding the blue juice seen in the little snowman-themed juice sprayer. That shit’s all mine. Not shown is an additional cup and spoon setting, affording us the chance to invite a friend over and not have to eat ice from the same cup like derelict nomads.

The idea is simple: Throw a few ice cubes in, rotate a crank located near Mr. Snowman’s ass, and in a few minutes, you’ve got yourself a heap of shaved ice. It’s worth noting that the ice crushing crank is not a perfect tool, as I had to use all of my manpower to mash up three tiny ice cubes. I hope it’s safe to assume that I’m stronger than most six-year-olds, and if I am, I imagine that the process of crushing ice will drive them to tears. By the time they get the job done, there may only be water left. I take this to mean that the Mr. Snowman Sno-Cone Maker is actually meant for people in their late twenties.

When you’re finished shaving the ice, all that’s left is the flavoring process. Using the aforementioned juice sprayer bottle, you’re encouraged to make a bit of Kool-Aid or another colorful drink, which doesn’t just make the ice taste good, but also look good. I went with Great Bluedini Kool-Aid. And if you think I’m only saying that because it makes the whole ordeal seem .005% more interesting, you’re a shit and I hate you. Here, proof.

The Mr. Snowman Sno-Cone Maker may be a better product in theory than in practice, as the kind of “snow” is creates isn’t exactly conducive to snacking. I mean, it’s edible, but the typical slushie consistency just isn’t there. On the other hand, eating something that came out of a big, plastic snowman is an incredible feeling, and I probably would’ve devoured far less appetizing things than crushed ice to attain it. I recommend this product. It’s just that I’m not starting a fan club for it. Not yet, anyway. Give me a week.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!