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12/15/2008: Funky Fondue, Christmas Crackers, Awesome ALF.

The Advent Calendar has been updated through December 13th. Slow and steady.

My secret hobby of thumbing through twenty-year-old recipe magazines has given me a serious appreciation of holiday fondue, which I suppose is no different than non-holiday fondue, but please let me have this. I was thrilled to find these microwaveable Swiss cheese fondue cups in the Christmas section of our local supermarket, sandwiched between wrapping paper and bags full of red and green jelly beans. Odd mix, but it seemed to work.

While the cups o’ cheese are theoretically ready-to-eat once they’re heated, the contents are really meant to be poured into a traditional fondue pot before serving, with any extra additives the chef might want to…add. It was wishful thinking to believe that the mixture would taste any good as-is, because it DOES NOT, and without the added wine and oils, I kinda felt like I was dipping bread cubes into someone’s sneeze.

On the other hand, I’m finally motivated to open one of the seventeen fondue kits we’ve received for Christmas over the past five years. Christmas is a time for silver bells and silver linings.

Not more than three feet away from the strange cups of Swiss cheese were packages of Holiday Crackers, nearly identical to the ones I reviewed last year. I’d hoped that the different art style on this year’s crackers meant that there would be a different gamut of prizes, but it was the same crap I got last year. Boo.

Click here see the loot. Really random and worthless stuff, including a plastic whistle, 9-piece jigsaw puzzle, half-sized pencils and paper crowns. The concept of these crackers is alluring, but boy, the prizes are a sad finale.

For those unaware, you’re supposed to leave a cracker at each child’s table setting for Christmas dinner. They pop it open, get a prize, and then celebrate by eating. If I ever meet a child who would applaud the gift of a half-sized pencil, I may give it a go.

The prizes were largely disappointing, but one was actually worth cheering for…

Some kind of Macross/Transformers-style paper action figure, which you get to put together yourself! He’s tiny and he doesn’t hold together well (getting his eight body parts to stay together for that one photo above took fifteen minutes), but I think, if I was six-years-old, and I was about to eat dinner, and I found this thing on my plate…yes, I would be okay with that. But then, I am eternally flexible and easy to please.

And now, the meat of today’s entry…

It’s time for our seemingly-annual “BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER” survey. I can’t even pretend that we haven’t done this before, because not only have we done this before…we’ve done it several times. But it ain’t Christmas unless you talk about the stuff you got when Christmas mattered ten times as much.

However, I’d like to change things up from the previous surveys a bit. This time, don’t just chat about the best Christmas presents you received — tell everyone about the gifts you wanted the most. Even if you stopped caring about ‘em by December 26th. I’m talking about the stuff you spent weeks and weeks dreaming about. The toys that made you feign a belief in Santa Claus, just on the off-chance that he really did exist and could help you achieve your goals.

If I had to pick one that I didn’t actually get, it’d be the first Nintendo Game Boy. I don’t know if it was sold out or too expensive or what, but despite my best begging, my parents passed on that one and got me a bicycle instead. It was a great bike, but I pretended to hate it because it wasn’t a Game Boy. Kind of a bastardy thing to do, but I guess it worked, because I got the Game Boy for my birthday two months later.

And I had to pick one that I was dying for and did get, that’s easy:

Yes, the original Coleco “ALF” doll. I’ve told this story in bits and pieces, but here’s the whole, exciting tale. I was an ALF maniac from Day 1, buying into the sitcom as the absolute pinnacle of edgy comedy. I quit boy scouts for a year because it conflicted with ALF’s television schedule. I lived and breathed ALF. Before the world was swarmed with ALF-related posters, puppets and coloring books, the world’s first chance to bring him home was Coleco’s awesome plush doll.

This doll was all I wanted for Christmas in 1986. Had I received ten boxes of crayons and one ALF doll, I would’ve been happy. When requesting ALF as one of my Christmas presents, all tact went out the window. I didn’t portray the stuffed animal as something I wanted, but more like a serum needed to cure a debilitating disease. I reminded my mother of ALF’s importance on a daily basis, doing everything in my power to make her understand how horrible Christmas would be (for me and her both) if it came and went without an ALF doll.

In my family, the tradition was to celebrate on Christmas Eve and open all of the presents at midnight. Christmas Day was virtually meaningless for me. Whatever you guys consider the day after Christmas to be — that was Christmas Day for me..

And so, on Christmas Eve in 1986, after hours of Canada Dry and crab legs and clanging metal folding chairs, the clock struck midnight to signal “Christmas proper,” and we all started tearing the wrapping paper. I opened many fine gifts that night, but the ALF doll was not one of them. Engulfed in Christmas spirit, I decided not to kill my mother. On the inside, I was dying.

Early the next morning, I groggily wandered into the living room, perhaps armed with a holiday-only version of the sixth sense. There was really no reason for me to get up so early, as it had long been established that there would be no extra presents on Christmas morning.

And yet, there they were. A bunch of things under the tree. Wonderful things. Things that weren’t wrapped, but simply placed in plain view. Board games, an Inhumanoids figure, and yes…Coleco’s ALF doll. COLECO’S. ALF DOLL.

I guess it wasn’t really a miracle, but it sure felt like one. I thanked my parents. I thanked my sister, even though she had nothing to do with it. I thanked Santa, because why not? ALF was mine. No longer limited to thirty minutes a week with my favorite being on this or any planet, I tugged that doll around as if it was my conjoined twin, and to this day, it’s the only stuffed animal I’ve ever been proud of owning.

As seen above, ALF arrived in an extremely cool spaceship-themed cardboard box. Look at that doll and look at that box. Picture them in mint condition. Now picture them unwrapped under the holy glow of a lit tree at dawn on Christmas morning. Total magic.

From his curious tuft of light brown hair to his awesome Tic Tac teeth, getting my stupid ALF will always rank among my favorite Christmas memories. Everybody gets their own Red Ryder BB Gun moment, and this was mine. What was yours?


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 232 comments

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Seeing as how I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, I never got to celebrate Christmas. I mean, my parents would still get me presents here and there throughout the year, but there was never an orgasmic unloading of multiple gifts. As far as the best gift I ever received goes, it would have to be my Barbie Dream House. Thing was huge. I was always a pretty big tomboy, but I loved thinking up crazy cockamamie soap opera plots for my various Barbies and action figures. Good times.

Of course, now that I’m older, my parents don’t really care that I celebrate Christmas. (And by celebrate, I mean read X-E articles and admire all the decorated houses.) Last year I spent a little over a hundred dollars on money I didn’t have to buy posters and tee-shirts for my friends. Each of them got at least one gift, and some of them got four. What did I get? Three gifts total. Two DVDs (both of which ruled: Roger Corman collection and Reservoir Dogs 10th Anniversary Edition), and a fucking Pop-Tart pillow. It’s a cool pillow, but the friend that gave it got three posters and a Samurai Delicatessen shirt. I felt a little jilted to say the least.

So this year, my friends and I have agreed not to purchase each other presents. I’m making a silkscreen printer for my boyfriend, but that’s it. Money’s too tight.

Lori: The Marie-middle-name-thing is weird. My sister, one of my acquaintances, and my friend’s mom all have Marie as their middle name. What the hell? Some unspoken rule?

Aaron: I’m so glad that there’s at least one person here that’s younger then me. I’d hate to be the only one here who grew up with Rocko and Stimpy as opposed to Strawberry Shortcake and He-Man. Though I will admit, kids of the 80s had better toys. Not a lot of Rocko merch, to tell the truth.

Rev.: May I third the Jareth crush? To paraphrase Mista Snowman, “BOWIE IS FINE” Even my boyfriend has a crush on him.

Posted by AIF @ 12/16/2008 6:43 PM EST


I have exactly two friends who are willing to play trivia games with me, and they both moved far away this year. (Hi Spiffy!) My mom will play them with me but she can’t even read the questions right and is no competition at all, so it’s not much fun. Bah. I should gather all the nerds I can find and start a Trivial Pursuit club or something.

Posted by jazzy @ 12/16/2008 7:37 PM EST


AIF, I remember Rocko & Stimpy… good times. I miss that show. And I am jelous of the 80’s toys. They were AWESOME! The only thing the 80’s didn’t have that I grew up on and LOVED TO DEATH… Pokemon.

Posted by Aaron @ 12/16/2008 7:40 PM EST


The Alf tale makes me misty for my childhood days, but my top toys I pined for (and received) are things which in my current standing as a 22 year old I have absolutely no use for. If you were a female born between 1985-1990, you know of American Girl dolls, and I remember screaming and knocking my feeble old grandma off the couch when she handed me my near look alike ‘Molly’. But the coup-de-grace of all holy toy achievements on X-Mas would have to be my big ass Lifesize Barbie! I nearly peed my pants when I saw her standing there beneath the tree, wedding gown and all. I was a tall girl, so frankly, Barbie was just my shorter plastic friend, but she was a helluva Barbie. Immedately out of her wedding gown she came with and into the clothes I was wearing, I believe she’s in that same outfit to this day, tucked somewhere away in my mom’s garage.

::sigh:: X-E makes me sad I’m getting old :0(

Posted by Haley @ 12/16/2008 8:17 PM EST


I wanted Cricket….and a talking cabbage patch kid…and Barbie Mcdonalds.

Posted by mandy_Reeves @ 12/16/2008 8:38 PM EST


Haley: Yur NO gettin old! When your hips go out because you bent over, THEN yur old. :)

Posted by ULTRAMAN @ 12/16/2008 8:41 PM EST


I was not a big doll girl. I had a few barbies, mostly for the fun of changing their clotehs and brushing their hair. The last barbie I ever got I was 10… and All I did was just take her out of the box and comb her hair.

I was much more into action figures.

Posted by kittymao @ 12/16/2008 8:52 PM EST


I was never that into barbies, I actually remember making them dive off the edge of my bed as if it were a cliff. My thing was Legos, I loved Legos… I swear I must have been OCD about the things, I would first organize them by color then by brick and then build armies of brick people.that would fight against each other. of course this is from the same kid that didn’t like cool-aid, had an imaginary friend that she Knew wasn’t real, and didn’t bother coloring in the coloring books, No I scribbled long drawn out stories in the blank pages.

Posted by Rookeealding @ 12/16/2008 9:07 PM EST


ChallengeChesnut: you too? I turn 25 in a few days as well. I wonder if we are born the same day. ….

wait…I’m going to be 25? where the heck have I been?

Posted by Rookeealding @ 12/16/2008 9:13 PM EST


kittymao: I wasn’t that big into Barbies either. I was more of a stuffed animal fan. I have two small closets full of them in my old room at my parents’ house, and that doesn’t even cover them all! I still like plushies, but I have way more action figures these days (my favorites being my McFarlane Yellow Submarines figures)

Posted by Cheetara @ 12/16/2008 9:23 PM EST


Mandy_Reeves, you also had a Barbie McDonalds? I thought I was the only one who remembered that!

Posted by Tresjolie9 @ 12/16/2008 10:45 PM EST


Kittymao: I agree, almost all you can do with a barbie is changing her clothes and combing her hair :(
I keep only one barbie of mine. She is from 1990.

Now, I prefer action figures. They are funnier :D :D

Last craziness: Indiana Jones Action Figurezzz!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Posted by yelinna @ 12/16/2008 11:02 PM EST


Rookeealding:I loved Legos too. Like you , I was absolutely OBSESSIVE about them!

Posted by ULTRAMAN @ 12/16/2008 11:03 PM EST


The best Christmas present I really wanted, and actually received was a pretty vanity. I loved everything girly, fake jewelery, pretend make-up. (Ironic since now I do not wear jewelery or make up) Christmas morning of 1989 I was 7, turning 8, 2 days later. I woke up that morning and in the beautiful pale winter sunlight that was pouring in through our picture window, there it was. My vanity. My uncle had made it, all out of wood, and my grandmother had painted it white with pink flowers. There was a matching stool, which my grandmother painted and sewed a matching cushion for. It was truly the most beatiful gift ever, and the fact that it was made by my relatives really made it special. Nothing has ever, and will never top that Christmas.

Posted by crazy_mainer @ 12/16/2008 11:53 PM EST


Mandy_Reeves- Wow thank you for reminding me of a childhood fear I had managed to supress for a long time! This nightmare I am speaking of is- CRICKET!!! AHHHH!!
I remember a commercial for that doll that involved aliens, and it scared the bejeesus out of me!!!

Posted by crazy_mainer @ 12/16/2008 11:57 PM EST


My coolest x-mas moment was in 1983 or 84. I had received several Return of the Jedi playsets and vehicles: Jabba the Hutt, the Rebo band, Ewok Village, the Imperial Shuttle, the Tie Interceptor and the B-Wing Fighter. It was amazing! However, in the midst of all the other gifts being torn apart by me and my two brothers, there wasn’t a single action figure in the lot. As cool as my vehicles and whatnot were, I was secretly a little bummed that I didn’t get any figures.
As my mother started picking up the wrapping paper shreds, she reached behind the tree and handed me a small wrapped box. I tore it open and inside were 20 action figures. She’d cut the cardboard backing away and they were neatly stacked in the box sealed in their bubbles. She’d done a great job picking them out too — all the big characters were present (Luke, Vader, Han, Leia, etc…). She’d even sent away the UPC seals and gotten the mail-away figure (Emperor, I think…). Anyway, it was a magical x-mas for an undeserving kid. My mom ruled and still in fact rules!

Posted by JoeMcC @ 12/17/2008 1:06 AM EST


Super Mario Bros 2 was something I really, really needed to have seeing as my homey Luigi was now a superior choice to Mario, second only behind the Princess. As well as the Jack Skellington action figure after falling in love with a Halloween themed movie that you were allowed to watch on Christmas.
Probably my most dreamed of gift that I recieved was the Cold Turkey board game. I have no clue why I wanted that stupid thing so badly. I was past the acceptable age of wanting colorful mechanical board games but I did want it. More for the oh-so goofy looking battery powered turkey than the game itself.
Luck was on my side because it turns out that was not a highly sought after toy so it was marked down even before Christmas rolled around and I guess my parents figured there was no harm in getting me a cheap crappy game.
Commercials are liars. The turkey was nothing like the one I saw on TV. I think I played the stupid game maybe twice lost the crappy plastic tail for the bird that also served as his on/off switch and never touched him again.

…But that breif period between unwrapping and opening the box; bliss.

Posted by Lucky @ 12/17/2008 12:03 PM EST


Alyssa, I also have a bunch of useless information in my head. I want to go on VH1’s World Series of Pop Culture bad.

TMNT was tough. I vaguely remember Super Ghouls N Ghosts. But I stand firm on my assertation that Battletoads was the hardest game ever.

Posted by Teddy Ray @ 12/17/2008 5:57 PM EST


I missed this article so I’m late responding but I would say it would have to be a game system probably NES. I got the NES one year and a Sega Genesis another year. Both times were a total surprise for so both were awesome.

Posted by theyav @ 12/17/2008 7:01 PM EST


and I didn’t finish reading the article so I wrote the wrong response. I don’t know if this what I wanted the most but the first thing that popped into my head was looking through the sears Christmas wishbook and always wanting one of those Giant robots. I didn’t care what my parents told me, I knew it would be just like the one Rocky had in Rocky 4 and it would be my best friend.

Posted by theyav @ 12/17/2008 7:04 PM EST


In June of 1989 Tim Burton’s Batman came out. In December of 1989 I found a Batmobile, Joker, and Bob the Goon underneath the Christmas tree, but no Batman. I cursed my parents under my breath. I got him next year along with a Batcave, Batwing, and a new Batmobile because I lost the yellow missles it fired just like in the movie…anyway I lost those missles and the shield that protected it. Other highlight years include two or three years in a row that I received about every GI Joe known to man including the Terrordrome, but excluding the U.S.S. Flagg. 1986 brought me an NES. 1990 brought me a dog that pissed on the NES. 1991 brought me a replacement NES in addition to an SNES, thus validating the existance of God.

Posted by jp @ 12/18/2008 1:12 PM EST


I’m lazy, so I’ll leave it at this. I don’t remember the year, but the Spider-man Wrestling Buddy was the Best. Present. Ever. Cept for maybe Street Fighter 2 Turbo for the SNES.

Posted by Spidey Snooch @ 12/18/2008 5:31 PM EST


Thing I wanted most (probably covers Christmases for 4th-7th grade…if not even longer) was the Lundby Dollhouse. It was this very detailed mansion of a dollhouse with tons of rooms of furniture. What I got instead was the Fisher Price Dollhouse (with no furniture.) It was okay but my mom also bought us some other crap: Candle holders, ugly blue toy chests, etc… that we didn’t ask for or want. I couldn’t help thinking…why didn’t you just not buy that junk and instead buy us some of the dollhouse furniture? A couple years later I knew I’d never get the expensive Lundby dollhouse so instead I coveted the Tomy Dollhouse and even saved up my allowance to buy the family that lived in that dollhouse. Of course never received that dollhouse either. I did finally buy an almost complete Tomy in pretty good condition a few years ago on ebay. Maybe someday if I strike it rich (Ha,Ha in this economy!) I’ll buy myself a complete new Lundby dollhouse (They still make them in Sweden and they are still pretty awesome!)

As for what’s the best gift I ever received on Christmas…..maybe it was the year our dad gave us a budget and let us pick out our own presents out of the Sears catalog. Not everything I picked lived up to my expectations but I remember the Fisher Price movie thing with the scooby doo and mickey mouse cartoon cartridges was pretty cool. You turned the handle and if you turned it backwards you could see the cartoon go backwards! No sound but other than that it was cool because it allowed you to watch cartoons on demand with a handheld device. (I saw one of those on display in the Fisher Price toy museum…cool toy – wish I still had it.)

In honor of that memory, I think I’ll be sure to include some cash for my kids for one of their holiday gifts and a trip to a toystore.

Posted by The Toy Fairy @ 12/18/2008 8:59 PM EST


@ Mars…no way, I had one of those things too! Loved it.
Anyways, my best gift that I asked for? My dog. I love her to bits.
The one that really stands out in terms of ‘things I wanted but didn’t get for years and years’….? A lava lamp. I dont know why, but my folks made me wait for about 5 years before I got one under the tree, after asking consistently.
Crazy!

Posted by Dani @ 12/18/2008 9:43 PM EST


If that’s the TALKING ALF doll from back in the day I SO had one if its not then you can be jealous or something lol. He was a birthday present tho not christmas but still hehe. I had A LOT of uber memorable christmas presents as a kid my earliest one that I can remember was getting the Castle Grayskull playset when I was like 3 which eventually ended up in the playroom in the basement and I stopped playing with it because it became a spider hang out. One thing I begged for that year and never got was this motorized tonka toy chainsaw. I have no idea why I wanted the damn thing so bad but I did and my rents never got it for me I always assumed they were afraid my fanscination with it was some latent homicidal thing they felt was best not to nurture :P .

Next gem came when I was 6 and I woke up christmas day to what would be the pinnacle of coolness in the neighborhood for YEARS to come my beloved red Power Wheels Jeep. I had kids from the entire hood begging for rides around the block in it every weekend. One kid tried to one up me by getting a PW four wheeler but he couldn’t take passengers so I was still cooler :D .

Last tidbit I’ll share was when I was 10 I was utterly and totally obsessed with the TMNT arcade game and played it for hours everyday saturday night when my parents did there weekly bowling ritual. That christmas was when the NES port of the arcade game was made and it was at the top of my list. My Dad was filing with his camcorder and my earth shattering tear gushing disappointment was immortalized when they had me open all my presents and had me believe I had gotten shafted. Then my mom goes “hey wait I think you missed one sweetie”" and pulls one last nintendo game shaped present out from under the couch…. I tore that sucker open like I was a starving kid from etheopia and someone just handed me a pack of crackers. I’m still crying at this point but it was a mix of ecstatic happiness at a wish fufilled and unbridled rage that “santa” was enough of an asshat to cram the one thing I wanted most under the fucking couch. Prolly the best and worst christmas memory I have of my childhood wrapped into one lol

Posted by The Krypt Angel @ 12/18/2008 10:13 PM EST


The Toy Fairy, I had that Fisher Price movie thing, too! I only remember having two cartridges, the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving one and a Roadrunner cartoon…I loved that thing!

Posted by Teddy Ray @ 12/19/2008 3:04 PM EST


the g.i. joe aircraft carrier, which i never got.

when i noticed that a friend had one in his house, my heart sank. it would be the same feeling as when i experienced my first crush on a girl.

that f’ing aircraft carrier. it went beyond toy. more of a jungle gym really. too big for the kid’s room! had to keep it in the mu’fu’ing hallway!

that f’ing thing.

Posted by puppety oddball @ 12/19/2008 9:44 PM EST


All I wanted one Christmas was a Millenium Falcon, this was probably 1982, and my parents got it for me. It was the best Christmas I ever remember having as a child, and I have plenty of fond Christmas memories. When I woke up I found it under the tree, still in the box, surrounded by probably a dozen figures. Chewbacca, Han Solo, Boba Fett, X-Wing Luke Skywalker, etc. I still have photos of this Christmas packed away, along with the Millenium Falcon and all of the Star Wars figures I’ve held onto over the years. A few years later my grandfather surprised me with Snake Mountain playset and some MOTU figures. Merry Christmas XE!!!

Posted by Matt @ 12/20/2008 4:33 PM EST


Power Rangers command center playset. Wanted one the whole year when I was 5. Whenever my parents let me liter in the toy isle when we went to the store, every single time I would just stare at the box.
Throughout the year my parents told me that they would eventually get me one, but whenever birthday or something came up, the store was always out.
But when it came close to christmas, at any available moment I reminded my parents how much I wanted one.
And sure enough when I came down Christmas morning one was sitting there, unwrapped, with all of my action figures posed inside it.
I didnt even open any other presents for the next hour, as I just wanted to play with it.

Posted by Chris @ 12/22/2008 3:32 AM EST


Two gifts come to mind for me. One was the NES, I wanted it ever since I saw it being played in some store. The second was a share gift between me and my two older brothers. It was a Honda three-wheeler. I loved that thing and still miss it til this very day.

Posted by Brian @ 12/22/2008 9:45 PM EST


definitely the nes.. i can remember going to the mall with my parents and on our way home looking thru the back window as they placed bags in the trunk. thru a little crack where the trunk lid was open i could faintly see a nintendo logo a knew the gods were about to smile upon me ;

Posted by weirdozman @ 12/24/2008 1:25 AM EST


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