I buy a lot of DVDs. I don’t watch all of them. Actually, I probably haven’t watched more than half of them. Yet, I continue to buy DVDs. They’ve sort of become comfort food for when I’m not hungry. The jury’s still out on whether I’ll actually watch it my latest DVD purchase, but I’ll say this: If I haven’t seen it by Christmas, it’s just another shelf decoration.

The Holiday Treats DVD is awesomeness, but in an odd, arguable way. The total shoestring presentation includes eight random Christmas-themed sitcom episodes, spanning from The Andy Griffith Show to Frasier to Family Ties to The Brady Bunch.

I don’t know what it is, but something about this DVD depresses the fuck out of me.

Maybe it’s that nearly every included show has at least one actor who is now dead. Maybe it’s because so many of these once-sung television heroes now find their opuses bagged together with random Wings episodes, with the DVD production handled by the same company who makes generic brand Honey Smacks. Or maybe it’s because three of the episodes are in black-and-white, and if all of the full-color sitcoms on the DVD taught me anything, it’s that people only watch black-and-white shows when they’re having dramatically depressing personal moments.

The DVD only cost a few bucks, let’s say seven, and I kind of want to watch it. When I bought it, I only just kind of wanted to have it, but now, I don’t know. It has the Carol Brady Vs. Laryngitis episode. That’s something.

Holiday Classics would be perfect to watch if I had the flu. It just seems like such a flu DVD. A small part of me is lobbying for some form of “Flu-ray” joke, but I admit that this is the part of me that I find most disgusting. When you’re sick but still somehow bored, you need something that’s entertaining enough to hold your attention…but not so entertaining that you have to struggle through “fever vision” to find the pause button when you need to go inside and puke. Honestly, I wouldn’t give a shit if I missed the last five minutes of Taxi’s Christmas special.

I wrote about tri-flavored holiday popcorn tins last year. I don’t know what the statute of limitations is on writing about them again, but it’s gotta be longer than a year. Instead, I’ll just point out that they’re available in some really terrific tins this year. The themes range from A Christmas Story to A Charlie Brown Christmas, and other shows/movies that I cannot remember because I did not buy popcorn tins based on them.

PS, now’s as good a time as any to get this out there: I know that there are cases where I use the word “that,” and I really should be using the word “which.” I also know that I misuse quotation marks. It is a stylistic choice. Besides, you’re the asshole who trolls around town saying “for all intensive purposes.” I hope Christmas is bad for you.

Oh, and there’s a pair of “Holiday Hot Rods” three-packs, from Mattel’s Hot Wheels collection. Mattel must have a lot of faith in this concept, as there are roughly 87 different three-packs available.

I’ve long been a proponent of kids receiving Hot Wheels (or Matchbox) cars on Christmas morning. I guess I have no reason to be — there’s no commission or anything — but I still am. If nothing else, toy cars are a good way to guarantee a child at least one welcomed surprise on Christmas. Every kid loves Hot Wheels, but nobody asks to get them for Christmas. It’d be like spending a genie wish on a good bagel.

The vehicles are clearly repainted versions of existing Hot Wheels cars, as few would dare insinuate that Santa Claus drives around town in a forest green van unless there was some cost-cutting measure involved. On the upside, I rather like the other car. I’m sure it’s a model based in reality, but it looks like a sportscar powered by a giant, vanilla-scented pillar candle.

Let’s attach a survey: In the comments, talk about your own personal favorite “flu movies.” “Flu TV shows” are also acceptable, though not as catchy.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!