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Halloween Countdown ’08: SweeTarts Spooky Squeez!

I've seriously miscalculated the time it will take to do what I need to do before going to sleep tonight, so this entry will be short. I've long considered myself the kind of person who cannot do good work unless I'm fending off a deadline, but I'm starting to think that that's all bullshit. I'm a horrible procrastinator, and I'm about to pay for it.

Thank you Mr. Wonka! It's rare to find any decent new Halloween stuff so late in the season, and I was certain that I'd have to survive on the fumes from junk I bought four weeks ago but deemed unworthy of reviewing. Not so! At least not until later in the week!

This SweeTarts Squeez tube is a holiday spinoff not unlike that wintery-themed version I reviewed last December. What's most admirable about Wonka's foray into the haunted forest is the flavor's title: "Cherry Gooey Blood." Blood! Candy makers lost their zeal for being edgy and hardcore long ago, and it's become unusual to find candy that connects with blood in a stated, literal way.

Sure, there are plenty of sweets with gooey red centers that are very clearly intended to mimic blood, but few companies are willing to say it outright. Wonka, you hero. I now completely forgive you for that gratuitous scene of Grandpa Joe dancing in response to getting an invite to the Chocolate Factory during Burton's vision of your weird little story. Okay maybe not completely.

The imagination of children is vastly superior to the imagination of me or you. They're able to merge fact and fiction seamlessly, and thus, I sincerely envy the many seven-year-olds who eat this sugary crap and convince themselves that blood really is an ingredient. I can't tell you how much my crotchety mood would improve if I could fool myself into believing that some man or animal died to feed me SweeTarts.

The collective palate of those same seven-year-olds, unsoiled by years of tobacco and liquor and irresistible urges to do the 9-Volt Battery Tongue Trick, is probably best suited to a candy like this, but even my old tongue thinks "Cherry Gooey Blood" is mad serviceable. It's as close as you'll get to tasting a cherry Slurpee without actually tasting a cherry Slurpee. It's the astronaut food version of a cherry Slurpee.

Sharing a consistency with sandy toothpaste and packing enough of a sour bite to make my brow furl, the SweeTarts Squeez "Cherry Gooey Blood" tube is a welcome addition to the parade of goofy crap I've eaten this Halloween season. I won't give it an A+, but it's somewhere close. Let's say B+.

Assuming that X-E's current devotion to an all-spooky motif has attracted some readers from the various covens dotting the outskirts of Verizon FiOS's range, I'd like to ask any witches who might be reading a favor: Do the spell that makes tonight last for 75 hours. Please. I promise to kill a chicken in your name tomorrow.

Posted by Matt on 10/20/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 145 comments

Get enough for all of us, Plantmonster!

And speaking of Pop Tarts, today began the ads for the *gasp* Christmas Version! :( It’s not even Halloween yet, damnit!

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 10/22/2008 9:52 PM

Plantmonster Campbell is an asshole im sorry to say . He was at a horror convention i worked at a few years back and refuses to let people take pictures with him. The only pic you can get is of him signing what ever you paid him to sign . He also treats the folks working at the cons like dirt , he screamed at a girl in front of paying convention goers because his water took 5 minutes to get to him ..seeing as how she was catering to all the guests he told her he deserved first billing over every one else including Malcholm McDowle who was there for Halloween remake and was top billed for that show . I hope for your sake he has had the chip knocked off his shoulder , the Campbell you see in the movies is no act thats how he really is sorry to say

Chestnuts roasted by Starscream77 @ 10/22/2008 10:45 PM

Thanks all for the congrats on my wedding.  we went to the warhol museum today in pittsburgh.  it is about 2 hours from home, but about 5 minutes from home, i hit something in the road and it ripped my front passenger side tire to shreds(it was the oldest one, and it is so worn down now from whatever it was that the steel belts are starting to show!!!)  I am now going to have to go tire shopping tomorrow instead of our day trip up to the rock and roll hall of fame and the great lakes brewery.  i might turn on vh1 classic and buy some beer just so that we can act like our plans worked out afterall.

Chestnuts roasted by Leigha @ 10/22/2008 10:45 PM

Leigha that really sucks!! I’d say go with plan B, it sounds cheaper and you don’t have to worry about the drive home.

Chestnuts roasted by Dan @ 10/22/2008 11:08 PM

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/10/run-for-your-lives.html

Here’s more from Cake Wrecks.

Chestnuts roasted by TB Tabby @ 10/22/2008 11:48 PM

Starscream77, my stomach actually went all queasy when I realized you were talking about Bruce Campbell.  That makes me so so so sad to find out one of my fave actors of all time, who seems so cool and nice, is a raging asshole. :(     I just started watching Burn Notice too, my enthusiasm has suddenly waned for catching up on all the episodes I have missed.   Reality sucks…lol.

Chestnuts roasted by crazy_mainer @ 10/23/2008 12:13 AM

Man, I used to eat that stuff on bread.

Oh, for those who hadn’t seen it, teaser for the remake of Friday the 13th
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38822

Chestnuts roasted by thadastardly1 @ 10/23/2008 12:36 AM

Leigha: Tire shopping (and tire emergencies) are equally suck. Sorry to hear it. You have my sympathies. (But a late congrats on your nuptials! *throws confetti*)

Grrrra rrrrrgh. My Internet connection is acting all screwy again, and I can’t get to the trailer. Will have to try later. Re-imaginings don’t bother me so much — not like the originals go anywhere, and if the reimaginings suck, then I just ignore them. Usually I find them good in a different way, like a new flavor of gum.

Chestnuts roasted by Reni @ 10/23/2008 12:50 AM

Rock Band 2.
I bought it the day it came out.  It just… has a much better playlist (in my opinion) than Guitar Hero 4.  I’m not interested in the instrument portions of either games, since I already have four guitars and a drumset from previous Guitar Hero/Rock Band games.  If GH4 had a better tracklist, I’d be more excited about it, but as it is, I’m pretty content with getting Fable 2 this week instead.

Chestnuts roasted by kittygirl @ 10/23/2008 3:34 AM

Hi, Matt!
If you’re stretched for ideas about stuff to blog about, I have an idea for your next SNT, or Random Lazy Filler Survey, if your looking for one. (Assuming no one’s mentioned it yet, I haven’t read every post yet and apologize if someone suggested this first)
You could have everyone talk about their coolest or most unique/creative costumes from previous Halloweens. I was reading a previous Halloween Countdown that mentioned costumes from a 99 cent store and it made me remember all my unique costumes I’ve had over the years (I was a pretty odd child… now I’m an odd adult. Guess that’s why I like your site lol)

Here’s hoping things start sucking less for everyone! ^_^ Chins up, the Haunted Night is almost upon us! (This friggen week NEEDS to END ALREADY!!! Does anyone else feel that way?)

Chestnuts roasted by Fuyoutakai @ 10/23/2008 3:53 AM

I saw Bruce Campbell at a bookstore back when “If Chins Could Kill” came out, and he was nothing like you described, Starscream77. He posed for pictures, signed anything people brought to him (though the store management did request that if you wanted autographs on posters, action figures and other non-book items, you had to get in line after the people who wanted their in-store-purchased books signed – it WAS a promotional tour after all, and he was there to push product, not just to make an appearance), and he even recorded an impromptu message for our phone answering machine. No extra charge for any of that, and no screaming at any lackeys who failed to bring him water or anything. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, really, and wasn’t rude or impatient with anyone as far as we saw.
 

I’d hate to think he was secretly slapping the salesclerks around, demanding impossible-to-make speciality coffees with ingredients like powdered unicorn horn and magic talking beans, and threatening to stick bookmarks where the sun don’t shine if he didn’t get it. But I guess you never really know about celebrities. Hell, it took me this long to figure out that “Matt” is actually Abe Vigoda’s nephew, Jason Bateman. Now I just feel dumb for not realizing something so obvious.

Chestnuts roasted by Wobbtastic @ 10/23/2008 5:50 AM

I’m so confused. This is off topic, but does anyone know if The Nightmare Before Christmas is being re-released this year in 3D? The wife and I have made it a tradition these past two years to go see it, and hope that the tradition can continue. She claims she saw one ad for it, but I’ve not seen a thing. The Disney site isn’t updated at all.
Here’s to hoping.

Chestnuts roasted by Pepe @ 10/23/2008 6:45 AM

So uh….do you guys think the spell actually worked, but only for Matt?

I mean I don’t. Unless the rest of you do.

Chestnuts roasted by PhelpsPhan @ 10/23/2008 7:40 AM

Two days without a new post, is Matt losing love for Halloween?

Chestnuts roasted by Shawn @ 10/23/2008 7:43 AM

Wobbtastic , maybe he was having a bad day at the Con i work, but i have heard the same from a few other promoters about his behavior . Reguardless this was 4 years ago maybe he got his act together, with no being welcome at at least  5 cons in the central east cost from a few promotors i know . I really hope he has changed i do love his movies still , you dont need to love the actor to enjoy his art .

Chestnuts roasted by Starscream77 @ 10/23/2008 8:24 AM

I apologize if someone has mentioned this but in case you’re all interested, “Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” will be on ABC this year next Tuesday the 28th at 8/7Central.  As usual, they will probably have “You’re Not Elected Charlie Brown” afterwards, even though they don’t have it listed but do have the Great Pumpkin special scheduled for an hour.  So, is everyone up for watching it on network TV this year?  Why do they show it on Tuesday.  Back when the show aired on CBS, it usually aired on Friday, usually along with “Garfield’s Halloween Adventure.”  This year Friday would be ideal since Halloween falls on a Friday.

Anyway, staying on the Great Pumpkin topic, has anyone caught the advertisements for this year’s Simpson’s Halloween special?  They happen to be doing a parody of Great Pumpkin with Milhouse playing Linus and Lisa being Lucy.  It looks to be funny as always, but I don’t know if it’s going to be a whole half-hour parody, or will they do the usual three stories and have that as one of the stories.  Last year they did a parody of E.T. and I thought that would be a whole half hour, but it was only the first segment.  Anyway, as usual, it will air after Halloween because of FOX broadcasting the World Series.  I don’t see why they don’t air it early if the series doesn’t go the whole seven games.  Hey, Game 7 is scheduled for the 30th anyway so why can’t the Simpsons special be on Halloween, a Friday?  Man, I should take up a job making the program schedules for all the major networks since I obviously have different ideas than they do!

Okay, that’s all for me.  I’ll be back later to let everyone know how I’m doing as far as my Horror Movie Marathon and how far I’ve gotten on watching as many “Tales From the Darkside” episodes that I can.

Chestnuts roasted by BJ @ 10/23/2008 9:32 AM

Pepe I just filled out an entertainment survey yesterday about current and future movie releases and Nightmare 3D was on the list.  I saw it last year and can’t wait to see it again.

PhelpsPhan I had the exact same thought

Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 10/23/2008 9:33 AM

So I know this is unrelated to Halloween but I wanted to share it since it was weird.

I got a big box of used baseball cards for my son and I happened to find this card (not my listing but the same card) http://www.wagglepop.com/bin/auction/view?cmd=view&listingID=353961

Now, I guess they were part of a “political issues” card set but it’s a strange card. My first thought was, “Holy crap, according to this card Magic Johnson’s new name is AIDS!” Then I wondered if they had a Race card, just for irony’s sake.

Anyway I thought I would share that. Seems like a very strange card to market to children even if you’re trying to promote awareness.

Rp

Chestnuts roasted by MessiahRp @ 10/23/2008 10:24 AM

They happen to be doing a parody of Great Pumpkin with Milhouse playing Linus and Lisa being Lucy.  It looks to be funny as always, but I don’t know if it’s going to be a whole half-hour parody, or will they do the usual three stories and have that as one of the stories.

Sorry, but it’s only one part of the usual 3-segment episode. The other two segments are a Transformers Parody and a story where Homer kills Celebrities in order to use their likeness for free in commercials. With the Great Pumpkin parody, it sounds like a good one this year.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 10/23/2008 10:32 AM

Sorry guys, work’s kicking my ass this week, but I’m writing now. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 10/23/2008 10:46 AM

Too bad. The 75 hour night would’ve made for a great story.

Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 10/23/2008 10:58 AM

OOh, but maybe you can work that into this year’s Advent calendar.

Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 10/23/2008 10:59 AM

I’m sure many of you have seen this (especially if you are Farkers), but it’s just pure awesome!

http://www.villafanestudios.com/pumpkins.htm?fark

Chestnuts roasted by DarkSideofBrightness @ 10/23/2008 11:20 AM

Those pumpkins are amazing!
I wish I could do that.

Chestnuts roasted by Hazard @ 10/23/2008 12:08 PM

Me too!  I have a feeling if I would try it, the results would be comically bad (which actually may be good).

Chestnuts roasted by DarkSideofBrightness @ 10/23/2008 12:40 PM

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This entry was posted on Monday, October 20th, 2008 at 9:23 pm and is filed under 2008 Halloween Countdown, General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.