Halloween Countdown ’08: Decorative Half-A-Mummy.

I had to scrape the frost from my windshield last week, but somehow, it was 500 degrees out today. I think they refer to this as an “Indian summer.” If you live in or around the part of the country that I do, it’s hard for your Halloween spirit to withstand a sudden increase to swimming pool climates. My only defense is to drive the torso of a styrofoam mummy into the grass. Take that, sun.

Sold for a bloated twenty-five bucks, my mummy is officially referred to as a Light-Up Ground Breaker. I don’t think I’ve seen a product title try so hard to explain what the product is and still leave absolutely no firm impression. It’s a good thing I’m not blind. If my talking guide dog led me through a Halloween store and asked me to pick between a package of cotton spider webs and a Light-Up Ground Breaker, I’d have no idea that the latter was the right decision. It would’ve been just as catchy and far more direct to label the things as “Decorative Half-A-Mummies.” And black market street lingo could shorten that to “Decorative HAMs.” Life would be so awesome.

For all my holiday bravado, I usually don’t put any/many decorations outside. It’s not that I don’t want the entrance of my home to appear seasonally spirited…it’s that I can’t stand the notion of neighbors peering out their windows to watch me as I decorate. I don’t know why this upsets me so much. Even with this, a simple Decorative HAM, the photo shoot was delayed for two hours because the people across the street were sitting on their front porch.

The Halloween store had cooler Ground Breakers in stock, but since the mummy was the only one whose “Try Me” attractor wasn’t overused to the point of dead batteries, I went with him. The set includes a lawn stake to help keep him in place, and the whole thing took around fifteen seconds to assemble and admire. Compare this to those gaudy lawn inflatables, which take forty-five minutes of ridiculous pumping only to end up looking doofy anyway.

With corpse-positioned arms and missing teeth, my mummy appears to be smiling. I don’t recall him looking so pleased, so I assume this is the work of an impossibly precise camera angle at some unknown specification of natural light. Not that there’s anything wrong with a mummy who has accepted his fate as a crude Halloween decoration.

At night, you’re free to flip a little switch on the back of the mummy’s head, which enables his single exposed eye to blink red until dawn. It’s a subtle touch, but I gotta tell ya, there’s something amazing about knowing that I can walk outside the front door right now and see a mummy with a blinking red eye. And here I thought that my “happy place” was a figurative term. Now I have more reasons to rush home from work than just catching the last ten minutes of Seinfeld.

I got my mummy from a Halloween Spirit store, but you can find similar varieties in pretty much any Halloween section of any department store that has the balls to see this shit through October and not turn their freaky spooky aisles into festive stocking aisles.

In other news, I am so ridiculously upset by Hostess’s Hulk Cakes cupcakes. They’re sold under the “Scary Cakes” banner, which, if you’ll recall, is the banner Hostess dusts off every October for Halloween-themed snacks like these and this one. Hostess products are incredibly malleable, and the company is usually quite good at reforming its edibles to fit in with the various holiday seasons that spring up.

What upsets me is that they didn’t have enough faith in Halloween to let the green-iced cupcakes to just be Scary Cakes. Instead, they’re both “Scary Cakes” and “Hulk Cakes.” They can hedge their bets all they want, but I’m of the opinion that cupcakes can only have one theme.

Sucks, because the cupcakes are perfectly Halloweeny. Instead of the usual chocolate icing with white swirls, these are topped with eerie slime icing and dark green sprinkles. True, that also makes them perfectly Hulky, but would it have been so hard for them to say, “hey these are for Halloween,” and not, “hey these are for Halloween, but if you don’t like Halloween, they are also for people who enjoy the Hulk?” Has Hostess never read that timeless classic, The Berenstain Bears And Too Much Messaging? I now and forever hate the Hulk.

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122 Responses to Halloween Countdown ’08: Decorative Half-A-Mummy.

  1. Teddy Ray says:

    Goob, I wouldn’t want you to give me ALL your baked goods, just share.  And since you seem like such a good-hearted person, I believe you’d share.
    Amy, sorry to hear about your ankle.  Hope you have a speedy recovery.

    kb, haven’t seen you around for a while.  How’s your boyfriend doing?

    Debs, not only are you stuck with tiny, demure Bruce Banner cupcakes, but to add insult to injury…there’s no cream filling, right?

  2. Narse says:

    Has Hostess never read that timeless classic, The Berenstain Bears And Too Much Messaging?

    No, but they did read “The Berenstain Bears And Too Much Massaging”…it’s not as good, but at least it has a happy ending

    …wow, that joke was bad even by my standards 😉

  3. Amy says:

    thanks everybody…gettin pretty bored.

    narse, i laughed. and not just because i’m easily amused right now, i really thought it was funny.

  4. DC says:

    Yesterday I bought a big crystal skull filled with vodka that my local liquor store had. It’s awesome and perfect for the season! Plus, I can re-use the skull over and over again long after the vodka is gone…which will probably be soon.

  5. kingklash says:

    Madman drummers bummers,
    Indians in the summer
    with half a mummy in the yard?

    Hulk got down
    But he never got tight
    A Hostess cake’s gonna make it all right.

  6. Captain Will says:

    Ahh, nothin quite like grabbing a late lunch with your best pal… your titanium spork.

    It’s gonna be a golden day!

  7. Annette says:

    The weather is certainly nice and fall-like here today.  I just wish it was sunny instead of cloudy– makes me wanna sleep too much.  Then again, today would be perfect for some apple cider or hot tea.

  8. A-wel Cruiz says:

    Hey Matt, are you gonna do any of those Ghost with the Most comics? I love those!

  9. Alyssa says:

    Narse, I laughed too.. mainly because I read it that way at first!

    I’m lucky.. or maybe not so lucky depending on how you want to look at it, to have a Hostess Outlet not to far from me. So I can get cupcakes, pies, cookies galore and for pretty cheap.  Pretty much all the stores are done with the Halloween stuff. I was in Kohl’s yesterday (yea not really a store for a Halloween stuff, but they have quite a bit of decorative things) and all of it was half off and the Christmas trees were up AND decorated. I mean I guess it’s kinda good, because then people will buy stuff because it’s marked down and be able to use it before Halloween, but does the Christmas stuff really need to be up yet. It’s got me panicking about buying presents!!

  10. Shawn says:

    Hey Matt

           Will we ever get that Congo Amy action figure review?

  11. Muppet Baby says:

    The Berenstein Bears and too Much Junk Food is my favorite BB book ever.  Man, that cartoon-ified candy just looked so good, that the book actually made me WANT to eat more junk.  Great book, classic.

    My brother and I had a ton of B. Bears books, and when we were 10 and 8 years old, we wrote a CONTRACT and signed it, agreeing which of us would get which books to keep when we were grown-ups, so as to give them to our own kids.  I still have that contract.

  12. DC – That’s Crystal Head Vodka!!! I want it, but they don’t sell it near my home and I don’t want to order it unless I know the vodka is good.

    Because I love vodka, but only GOOD vodka.

    Please drink it all up and tell me if it tastes like Dan Aykroyd.

  13. DC says:

    Yes, it is Crystal Head Vodka. Wasn’t sure if anyone had heard of it. 

    I do believe I read somewhere on the box that Dan Akroyd spits in each bottle before it’s factory sealed.

  14. Teddy Ray– yes I am in posession of an army of creamless, demure Bruce Banner cupcakes.  No matter how much poking and prodding, they will not swell with anger and become worth eating.

    Narse— Another stifled laugh for me on that one.  My co-workers really must think I’m crazy. 

  15. Berdo says:

    Dan Akroyd spits in each bottle?

    I gotta get me some Crystal Head Vodka.

  16. What are you gonna do with all that juicy Akroyd DNA?

    I just learned about Crystal Head Vodka this week. Who knew this knowledge would come in handy so soon?

  17. DC says:

    I’m going to clone my own army of drunken Akroyd’s and a ghost busting we will go.

  18. Clockwork says:

    I saw Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka video.  It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t joke.  Apparently, it’s distilled four times and filtered three times with no additives so it seems as if it’s of good quality.  What a random project.

  19. Berdo says:

    Strange that the discussion turned to vodka. I was planning on purchasing some vodka today to mix with Sierra Mist Cranberry. That soda seems like it would taste better with it.

    Cheers to you, Mr. Akroyd.

  20. palmerholic says:

    Nothing will beat the three months of Hershey’s Hulk green chocolate syrup back in 2003.

  21. CasualT says:

    Matt, why you hate Hulk?  Hulk would smash, but Hulk endorsement deals too lucrative to allow Hulk much smash time, as lawsuits take up valuable money.  Hulk like smash lawyers…

    And lepidopterists…

    Anyway, what Hulk saying?  Oh yeah,

    Hulk Like Cake.

  22. yelinna says:

    I know where to find real corpses for making real mummies, he he he >:)

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