It’s October. Officially. It’s the proper beginning of the Halloween season, but perhaps more importantly, the start of three solid months of holiday season madness, where we’re free to bury our troubles and responsibilities under a blanket of decorations, television specials and wishful thinking. It’s the most charmed trimester of the year, no matter what you say.
Though I know that a great many of you are already longing for snowmen and gingerbread, remember, this is Halloween’s month to shine. I hereby order you to watch at least a dozen horror movies between now and November. I hereby order you to carve a pumpkin, even if the magic of said activity dissipated when you were in grade school. I hereby order you, assuming you are of legal age, to drink some form of novelty cocktail named after something macabre.
You can watch the trees die, you can listen to the wind blow, you can eat more than your typical monthly average of fun-sized Snickers bars. But it’s easy to do those things. Go a little deeper, try a little harder, and you won’t wake up on November 1st wondering why the Halloween season felt like early spring. I speak from experience.
I’d hoped to start the October run of Countdown entries with something extra special, but work went long today. Instead, uh…Mr. Potato Head?
Just the latest in Hasbro’s ever-growing series of adorably named Mr. Potato Head spinoffs, the “Trick or Tater” set promises to transform your favorite anthropomorphic tuberous crop vegetable into the spookiest spud ever. This paragraph was my bid to write Hasbro’s trade materials.
But wait, what’s that I sense from you? Discontent? You have a good memory. It’s true that this set repeats almost all of the body parts and accessories from a vintage Potato Head kit, but considering what Hasbro added to the mix this year, we’re lucky they didn’t charge twice as much. More on this momentarily.
The only real difference in the collection of core body parts is the black fedora, which replaces the much cooler Dracula hairpiece from the previous set. It took me a while to digest what seemed like such an intentionally senseless downgrade, but the truth is, they had to get rid of the Dracula wig. To make the big surprise bonus ingredient work, a hat was absolutely necessary. Look below, and thank above.
Yes, the “Trick or Tater” set includes a ghost sheet costume, which rests snugly over our hero’s bulbous brown body, kept in place by his eyes and fedora. Instantly, Mr. Potato Head is fresh and exciting. This is just perfect, but if you need some extra gravy, note that his eyes glow in the dark! And he comes with a pumpkin purse!
One would assume that the decades-spanning potato-decorating initiative would’ve reached its maximum potential by now, but Hasbro somehow topped all prior efforts. And all it took was a hand towel from a two-star hotel.
The package includes an inbuilt “to and from” gift tag, and it warms my heart to see that we’re now urged to buy our children presents for Halloween. With trick-or-treating slowly becoming something people “used to do,” we’re going to need some kind of tangible materialism to keep the bitch afloat.
After all, it isn’t a holiday if you don’t get free stuff. That’s why we’re all so apathetic on Thanksgiving. What, you thought it was the tryptophan? Clueless toad.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
I never had a Mr. Potato Head in my life. I feel so neglected.