On this, the eve of October, let us dip into the well that gives Halloween its brightest shine: CANDY CANDY CANDY.
I won’t say that this is the first time a brand of fruit snacks touched my soul, but holy shit. Never before have I danced in response to artificially flavored maltodextrin with such vigor. Seriously, Franken Berry Fruit By The Foot?! How one could march as an atheist knowing these are out there, I do not know.
While the snacks actually came out last year, all of the stores within my personal driving distance arrived at Babylon fashionably late. I spent last October soaking pillows over these, but now, finally…I have them. I have six individually wrapped three-foot strands of non-sticky Franken Berry duct tape. I am complete and I am whole. I am redundant. I am full of chewy red ribbons.
For a great many of us, General Mills’ “monster cereals” are as synonymous to this time of year as carved pumpkins and the McDonald’s Monopoly game. They are our old faithfuls. No matter how dry the Halloween season may be, you can always count on Count Chocula, Franken Berry and their reclusive indigo cousin to dye your milk and lift your spirits.
I’m more of a Count Chocula guy, but I still hold Franken Berry in high esteem. It’s among a very small group of strawberry-flavored cereals that I can stomach. Plus, whatever charms Mr. Chocula wields over our breakfast bowls would be immediately lost in Fruit By The Foot form. While people who enjoy chocolate Twizzlers merely confuse me, those who would enjoy chocolate Fruit By The Foot seem deserving of outright venom.
The flavor, officially titled “Strawberry Scream,” is nice, subtle and worthy of its Franken Berry ties. Lacking the extreme tart punch of most of the other “red” Fruit By The Foot flavors, you can eat this in public with confidence, for it will not be the cause of any unsightly facial puckers.
I don’t have General Mills’ top secret list of Fruit By The Foot chemical compositions handy, so it’s hard for me to tell if this is a “custom” flavor or simply an existing one rebranded for the Halloween season. For what it’s worth, it does kinda smell like Franken Berry cereal. I wouldn’t have guessed “Franken Berry” on a blind taste test, but assuming that the scientists didn’t tie my nose shut with actually-sticky duct tape before shoving the stuff down my throat, I may have had an inkling.
These are wonderful. Beyond wonderful. And if strawberries aren’t your ally, note that they also sell Boo Berry Fruit By The Foot. Boo Berry. Sadly, as has been the case for decades, Boo Berry’s boo beauty is only outmatched by his jungle cat-level elusiveness. Once I find Boo Berry Fruit By The Foot, expect a total rehash of this entry, with “Boo Berry” usurping “Franken Berry” on a search-and-replace.
While not as incredible as Franken Berry Fruit By The Foot, this bowl of Juicee Gummee “Squirt Bugs” still managed to make me giddy. While the packaging seems to indicate that the troth of gummy bugs feature squirting goo centers, I’m sad to report that they do not. The bugs have flavored goo centers in a variety of colors, but they don’t squirt.
It’s disappointing, but since they didn’t taste that great to begin with, now I won’t have to live with the temptation to continue eating candies I don’t want to eat. Honestly, it’s an army of rubbery, multicolored insects nesting inside a bowl labeled “Squirt Bugs.” There are things you eat, and things you just want to look at.
Finally, from Rain-Blo, we have two different types of Halloween gum. Thank God.
The smaller package on top features ten pieces of “Jum-Blo” gum, which are large enough for you to call out the jaw muscle reserves when attempting the first few chews. Most of the gumballs simply rotate between orange and black single colors, but there are two far more interesting pieces hiding beneath the “Jum-Blo” label. Since these two far more interesting pieces are the same ones you get a hundred of in the giant bag below the smaller package, we can probably move on to that.
Rain-Blo’s “Eyes of Terror” bag consists of 100 individually wrapped eyeball-themed gumballs, with incredible details, like bloodshot speckles and a peculiar skull shape held within each gum eye’s pupil. Click here to see all of Rain-Blo’s Halloween gum varieties up close, and pick your poison.
I’ll spotlight more of this year’s best Halloween candies in a future post, but it looks like we’re off to a good start.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
Curse this beetus. Wilford Brimley makes me miss out on everything.