Just before leaving Coney Island, we spotted a vaguely defined souvenir shop, mixing the typical volley of local postcards and Coney-logo sportswear with a bunch of cheap, imported toys. Somewhere in the midst of all the battery-operated swimming frogs and chirping puppies, I found the greatest set of bootleg action figures ten bucks could possibly buy.

Painstakingly forged in China, it’s the Super Hero Super Action Series action figure five-pack! This concentrated mass of trademark infringements features some of the most poorly constructed action figures I’ve ever held, even by bootleg standards.

Mixing the Marvel and DC universes is par for the course with sets of this type (and indeed there are hundreds of similar sets on the black market), but this one goes the extra mile with the randomly included Mr. Incredible figure. That’s even better than the errant red Power Ranger who usually rounds out these collections.

I’ve seen enough of these sets to become desensitized to the poor translations littering the packaging, but it’d be criminal not to mention such gems as, “THIS IS BATMAN! HE WILL CATCH ALL BADDY!” Also, the back of the package proudly proclaims that “EACH SUPER HERO HAS HIS OWN SUPERFINE ACTION WEAPON,” which is neither true nor even lied about using actual words.

I apologize for the glare, but cheap plastic is pretty reflective. The Hulk and Thing figures are the best in the set, looking at least moderately the way they should. If you were going to complain that Hulk’s skimpy trunks are outside of his accepted costume canon, get a load of the rear view.

I can’t make much sense of the Batman figure, which is permanently positioned to ride a horse. Not a motorcycle, mind you, because that’d almost make sense. With legs spread that wide, horse jockeying is the only plausible explanation. Since the set lacks a horse figure (and oh how I would love to see these particular toymakers take a stab at that…), Batman finds himself unable to stand without the support of his sworn enemies from Marvel.

Course, the inability to stand is nothing compared to the poor guy’s face, which looks like the halfway point between zombie flesh and a wedge of aged Roquefort.

Despite Mr. Incredible’s toothpick-thin ankles, he’s somehow able to stand under his own power. This surprising plus is tempered by the package’s claim of some kind of button-operated electronic action feature, which not only doesn’t work, but actually doesn’t even exist. Oh, there’s a button all right, and there’s even what appears to be a loose interpretation of a light bulb on Mr. Incredible’s chest. But there’s no inner mechanics to make it do anything. I knew these bootleggers liked to make their stuff on the cheap, but I never pegged them for outright liars.

Spider-Man is the worst offender of all. At first glance, he seems okay enough. He looks like Spider-Man, and he comes with a big rubber web. A closer inspection reveals that one leg is longer than the other, and that his wrists are flanked by what could only be considered web shooters if you were being really creative in your answers.

Obviously there’s some demand for these shitty bootlegged figures, as they’ve been around forever. I still can’t figure out how certain companies, even nameless companies, manage to pull off such an obvious scam. It’s not like I expect government officials to start raiding potato chip stands in Coney Island, but toys like these are virtually everywhere, and you’d have to imagine that the trucks or boats or planes full of two-cent Batmans would’ve been caught by someone by now. On the other hand, I shouldn’t complain, as there are so few avenues to satisfy anyone’s morbid curiosity over what Hulk’s ass actually looks like.

Kinda like fly eyes, I think.

This entry was posted in General. Bookmark the permalink.

915 Responses to THIS IS HULK MAN!

  1. Matt says:

    They are, definitely. Basically it will be login optional, but logging in will protect your name and hopefully grant you extra little features. Thankfully, I kept in touch with the guy who originally set us up. He knows what he’s doing. :)

  2. Hazard says:


  3. kingklash is going to miss adding stuff to his name says:

    All kid love Log-in!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Logging in would be easy to implement, you could probably even do it yourself, Matt. Or you could do as the Chans do and implement a tripcode. You should make an XEchan image board, Matt.

  5. Matt says:

    I don’t trust myself with that sort of stuff; I always manage to mess it up somehow. Plus to do it correctly involves upgrading other portions of my WP, so it’s all Greek to me.

  6. Leigha says:

    Kingklash I don’t think that those goat cheese pants would work very well….i mean…..if you didn’t want to be arrested in public.

  7. kb says:

    oooh, all these changes possibly coming makes me happy.

  8. Justin says:

    Anyone know if Matt is going to do the Halloween countdown this year?

  9. Goob says:

    I have been watching 80 hours of the 80’s on VH1 Classic. If you have that channel (it’s in the deluxe cable package) then I suggest watching part of it at least. It makes Labor Day that much better for me.

    Muppet Baby Kickass on the job. I know that is what you wanted to do with your life.

    Mandy_Reeves It’s your every right in life to make yourself a billboard like that. I think I have seen the shirt you are talking about, is half of his face red on a blue shirt? I watch someone’s vlog’s on youtube that he wears a shirt like that all the time.

    Andrew In Hawaii they eat the spam all the time. Some people eat it morning noon and night.

  10. LoneStar76 says:

    Spam spam spam spam.

  11. To mandy_Reeves and Matt Caracappa

    I am sorry. I was wrong for my negative post. I have just been a fan of this website since it was in the 241.html phase of youth and I just feel like, why won’t you, Matt, or somebody, tell me why no updates and when to check back. I understand personal issues but I check almost every single day and never even see wtf is going on around here. BTW I was on a website when you closed the forums Matt and a million of your users flooded us. I got in a fight with the webmaster and left forever, ruining a friendship. So I will always remember when I think of my friend’s name, Leafy Sea Dragon. LoL

  12. Plantmonster says:

    I don’t think those are web shooters. Have you tried to put it on a window or something? They look like suction cups…

  13. I have the same set…although it comes with no mr. Incredible…instead a black spidey. So two spidys, a batman, a hulk and a thing. Packaging also has a power ranger (not sure which show) on it. I bought this gem at a pawnshop in Texas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.