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X-E’s ’08 Summer Megaparty: Worst Survey Ever.

Okay, remember the infamous sandwich survey from a while back? Well, here's another -- and it's fifty times more convoluted. (I hate doing an aside so early, but I may have to ban myself from using the word "convoluted." It seems to creep its way into every entry.)

From the exact same Betty Crocker cookbook from the 1600s, there's a "special helps" section near the end of the book detailing what was -- at the time -- considered the proper types and amounts of food to eat from each of the four food groups. I don't know how Betty made all these plates of raw spinach and fish sticks look so appetizing over a dulled yellow background, but by God, Crocker knows kitchen karate.


Here's how this survey will work, and like I said, it's the c-word.

Your challenge: To the specs below, pick the full run of food you will eat in a day. Assume that things like salt, pepper, oil and vinegar are okay to add -- but nothing else.

Over the course of one day, you've been allotted the following:

MEATS GROUP: Two servings, so you can pick two different things, or two of the same thing. For those curious, that shit in the lower left is canned tuna.

BREADS GROUP: Four servings. The stuff that looks like eggs is rice. The spoonful of dirt is wheat germ. Like you're gonna pick that over Cheerios.

FRUITS AND VEGETABLES GROUP: Four servings. The leafy stuff is spinach.

MILK GROUP: Two servings. Stuff in the upper left is plain yogurt.

So, pick two meats, four breads, four fruits/veggies, and two milks. What an amazing survey!

In your responses, break it down by meals. I'll go first.

BREAKFAST: The two stupid eggs, because I was sold on the paprika, and an apple. (1 MEAT, 1 FRUIT/VEGGIE.)

LUNCH: The bowl of Cheerios, the two cubes of cheddar, and that plate of cute carrots. (1 BREAD, 1 MILK, 1 FRUIT/VEGGIE.)

DINNER: First, I will toast that giant piece of bread. Then I'll create some semblance of a meal by placing the burger on top of the bread, along with a slice of Swiss, and some of the spinach. I'll use the remaining spinach and another plate of carrots to make a salad. And all will be well. (1 BREAD, 1 MEAT, 1 MILK, 2 FRUIT/VEGGIE.)

SNACKS: Without much leftover, I'll take the waffle and another bowl of Cheerios, and an extra apple. (2 BREAD, 1 FRUIT/VEGGIE.)

And there you have it.

Your turn, assuming you can make sense out of this. Try to justify your answers and give reasons, because a list of foods from 100 people could get a little daunting otherwise.

Maybe I should've reviewed the Amy Monkey Congo figure instead?

Posted by Matt on 08/03/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 232 comments

I can’t believe you’re making me get out a piece of paper on a Sunday night.
Breakfast: The waffle and banana, which I’d eat cold at my desk. If I had an extra meat to spare I’d take the sausages and wrap the waffle around them, and nuke the whole thing around 10:30 when I got hungry. (1 BREAD, 1 FRUIT/VEGGIE).
Lunch: Pile the burger patty, spinach and cheese slice on the bread, and eat it along with the cantaloupe. This isn’t really far from what I would normally have for lunch. (1 BREAD, 1 MEAT, 2 FRUIT/VEGGIE, 1 MILK).
Dinner: I’d have the chicken with rice, and make a salad of the lettuce. I am really not crazy about drumsticks at all so I’d be happy if we could swap for a thigh. All those noodley veins, blech. (1 BREAD, 1 MEAT, 1 FRUIT/VEGGIE).
Snack: Cheerios and milk. I think I’m probably 10 times more likely to eat cereal after 9 pm than before 9 am. (1 BREAD, 1 MILK).

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 08/04/2008 12:41 AM


Reading through the archives, I am amazed and overjoyed that you actually wrote a review of the “raunchy” (ie: “good”) Child Molestation Episode of Different Strokes. My next question is, obviously; have you reviewed the CM episode of Webster? You know, the one with the robot costume?

As for this survey, I would take an apple and core out the middle. Then I would stuff it with spinach, cereal, and the cheddar chunks. Chow time.
I would do this for every meal.

Chestnuts roasted by Bartleby @ 08/04/2008 12:43 AM


breakfast – the waffle and the apple ( 1 grain, 1 fruit)

lunch – the chicken, the spinach, carrots (raw only please), and the slice of bread ( 1 meat, 2 veggies, 1 grain)

dinner – the chicken again, as i’m not a big meat fan, and i HATE tuna; the rice; the melon
(1 meat, 1 grain, 1 fruit)

snack – cheerios. that’s actually my snack everyday anyway, so… ( 1 grain)

so total: 4 breads, 4 veggies, 2 meats, 0 milks
(i’m lactose intolerant)

Chestnuts roasted by Cait @ 08/04/2008 12:44 AM


Umm…The Cafeteria Meats sandwich!

This is coming from someone who doesn’t get up early enough to eat breakfast.

And I’m writing up a review of the Freakazoid DVD as we speak. Little good news: The ending of “The Wrath of Gutierrez” ends with Freakazoid, Cosgrove & Roddy MacStew going to see Congo and argue over telling the difference between a monkey and some guy in a suit. The “Poo Gas” episode is on it, but not the Huggbees one. Sadly, that was Season 2.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 08/04/2008 12:57 AM


this assignment is too hard. : (

Chestnuts roasted by rusty @ 08/04/2008 12:59 AM


Matt gave us a challenge of what to eat
We gotta choose some veggies and two sides of meat

So what you gonna do with that giant bread
Hope that burger’s cooked or you’ll wind up dead

Cup of plain yogurt? I don’t think so
Shit needs granola before I give it a go

As for cereal, I eat like five bowls
And I ain’t goin’ near that cheese with the holes

So gimme them eggs and that waffle, too
And that big glass of milk, moo, bitch, moo

I’ll pass on the carrots and the broccoli
But I’ll down them sausages like I’m Fred Mercury

OHHHHHHH! SHIT SON, I DONE DESTROYED THIS ONE!

HOLLLLLLLLLA!

Chestnuts roasted by X-E Freestyle, Yo @ 08/04/2008 1:15 AM


Breakfast: banana, cheerios, milk (on cheerios)– similar to what i eat daily (1F/V, 1 grain, 1 dairy)
Lunch: hotdogs (pickles!!), bread, spinach, cheese cubes– the hotdogs look so shiny… I’d put the hotdog on the bread. spinach because the rest seems so greasy and it possibly could counteract the greasyness (1 meat, 1 grain, 1 F/V, 1 dairy)
Dinner: rice, fish sticks, broccoli — the dinner of my childhood (1 grain, 1 meat, 1 F/V)
Snack: cantaloupe, waffle (1 F/V, 1 grain)

Chestnuts roasted by gorax @ 08/04/2008 1:17 AM


Oh man….
I’m waaay too lazay ro evem choosr. Yu see how badlu im typinh.
Just give me some waffles for breakfast, bag o’ cheetos for lunch, and PIZZA! for dinner.

Chestnuts roasted by Hazard @ 08/04/2008 1:38 AM


Since when did X-E turn into a Weight Watchers forum? I think my Mom and her bunco buddies would like to get in on this one.

Chestnuts roasted by Chives @ 08/04/2008 1:39 AM


First off, confidential to Billy: When I saw the “tiny trees” thing I knew it was you before I even scrolled down to see if you posted it. I just sent you a text of a picture of me eating broccoli at Jade (aptly named, right Matt?) Palace. Go check your phone.

Breakfast: WTF is wheat germ? I want that. I love breakfast foods that sound like they’ll make me grow an extra appendage. Sprinkle that on the cantaloupe.

Lunch: Deviled Eggs, mos def. They have the funky texture I need for a lovely lunchtime. Perhaps put them on a lovely bed of spinach. Lovely Cheddar cheese cubes. Why do I only get to choose cheese two times? Unfair.

Snack: Waffle, one of my favorite foods ever. And cheerios again. I’m watching my carbs, obviously. Banana goes sliced up in the cheerios, duh.

Dinner: Are those four little processed-looking tubes fish sticks? If so, that’s too gross not to want. Stick those on the bread, add swiss cheese, and voila! Instant substitute Filet-O’-Fish! Broccoli, obviously, because everything I eat is somehow a tribute to Billy’s text message service.

I will never pick the rice. I threw up rice when I was 10 and haven’t eaten it since. Tiny maggots. Sorry, man. This is what happens when you explicitly ask for reasons and justifications.

Chestnuts roasted by socialpariah @ 08/04/2008 1:46 AM


Wow, you really worry about the attention span of your average reader when remembering more than 3 things is too difficult.

Ok, ignoring the fact that I abhor dairy in all its forms, let’s see:

Breakfast: Am I allowed to freeze things? If so, I’ll take a whole frozen banana (there’s two servings, if half a banana makes one serving) and some yogurt plus the wheat germ to make a smoothie. Maybe have that slice of toast on the side, and the eggs, because most meat sickens me.

Lunch: Rice plus spinach plus carrot = salad. (Oil and vinegar are the perfect dressing, you know.)

Dinner: WAFFLE + FISH STICKS. Is it just me, or does that seriously sound good?

Snack: I guess if I HAVE to, I’ll choke down the cottage cheese. Oh, and just in case that banana DIDN’T count as two servings, I’ll eat the apple, too.

Chestnuts roasted by Ariel @ 08/04/2008 2:00 AM


socialpariah, I didn’t drink root beer for the longest time for that same reason. =/

Chestnuts roasted by Ariel @ 08/04/2008 2:03 AM


For Breakfast, I’d have the Cheerios with milk and slice the banana up into the bowl, I used to eat that all the time for Breakfast growing up (1 Bread, 1 milk, 1 Fruit/Vegetable)

For Lunch, I’d have the hot dogs and 2 slices of bread along with the carrots and spinach because I can eat hot dogs without bread (1 Meat, 2 Breads, and 2 vegetables)

For Supper, I’d have the hamburger with some Heinz 57 sauce, the rice, some milk, and the broccoli. (1 Meat, 1 Bread, 1 Dairy, and 1 Vegetable)

What’s on the plate under the chicken? Egg rolls?

Chestnuts roasted by Delkon @ 08/04/2008 2:26 AM


Breajfast: a handful of Apple Jacks, and a big glass of Kool-Aid.

Lunch: probably some kind of sandwich. Maybe some mashed potatoes. More Kool-Aid.

Dinner: Chinese takeout. It will include fried rice and an eggroll. Yet more Kool-Aid.

Probably have an apple somewhere in there. Apples are good.

What’s Knacks doing for his summer vacation?

Chestnuts roasted by Shawn P. @ 08/04/2008 3:27 AM


Breakfast:chicken leg,waffle,small carton of milk and bannana.(1 meat, 1 dairy,1fruit,1bread.)
Lunch:bowl of cheerios,bowl of cottage cheese, and the apple.(1 bread,1dairy and 1 fruit)
Supper:The burger,the slice of bread,rice and some A1.(1meat,2bread)
Snack:The hunk of Canalope and the heap of carrots.(2 fruits/vegetables) This took me ALOT longer to think about then I thought it would. As compensation for making me think that hard about something like this Matt, I want to see a review of the Amy action figure. =)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 08/04/2008 3:53 AM


These are honest answers. And I am bad at math/keeping track so it won’t add up.

Breakfast: 2 eggs, the hamburg, and a waffle.

Lunch: Hotdog and the hamburger for tomorrow, with the cheese from today

Dinner: Seafood fest: Fishsticks and Tuna all smashed on the bread. Yum. I am actually going to get fish sticks today. Haven’t had them since grade school in the cafeteria. Milk every meal. I’ll eat 2 bananas after I trade in the apple. (They pass right through me. Same with the broccoli. Fart-O-Rama with those bad boys). Canteloupe, carrots and spinach, I’ll cut up and put on the sandwich.

The chicken; I’ll get up at around 1:00AM for a midnight snack. Yum.

Matt, I also found some Peanuts Fruit snacks at Giant Market. And they appear to be a Giant store brand. I’ll take a few pics, and try to post them on a webpage to link here. If I don’t screw it up.

Chestnuts roasted by Alexander @ 08/04/2008 6:39 AM


first psot

Breakfast: The waffle, that half banana and a glass o’ milk. (b-1,f-1,d-1)

Lunch: The hot dogs on two slices of bread. (m-1,b-3)

Dinner: The fish sticks, rice, spinach, carrots. (m-2,b-4,f-3)

Snack: The apple and a slice of Swiss cheese. (f-4,d-2)

And all I have here right now is a dumb ol’ chocolate chip granola bar.

Chestnuts roasted by M.Fireball @ 08/04/2008 6:40 AM


Those garnishes are an obvious indictment of Betty Crocker’s vanity. When trying to present example portions of meals from specific food groups, the only thing calling for garnishment is your own ego, Betty. Was it worth it? Was it worth it to slightly blur the clarity of your message for a lemon wedge? For shame.

Chestnuts roasted by tim @ 08/04/2008 7:44 AM


Whoa, I hadn’t been really checking X-E because I assumed the Mega Party was over and Matt was taking a day or so off. I guess it’s a Mega Party After Party.

As for the food survey…it’s 5 in the morning here and I don’t want to think yet. It’s too early for that.

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 08/04/2008 8:21 AM


This type of nightmare activity is what highly-evolved beetus sufferers like myself are supposed to do every day.

If I won’t do it for my own pancreas, I can’t do it for X-E. But I will say that the half banana looks sad and desperate, like a circumcision gone awry. The eggs and the waffle are the only palatable items and who would eat a waffle without festooning it with butter and “breakfast-style” syrup first?

This survey is a trick.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. Back It On Up @ 08/04/2008 8:51 AM


Breakfast: I’ll eat a bowl of Cheerios with milk and slice the banana half into it. Just because I don’t know how to use up my four servings of fruits and vegetables otherwise. Then I’ll eat that waffle.
(2 breads / 1 vegetable/fruits / 1 milk)

Lunch: I’ll take the tuna, stick it on the bread and have the salat with the carrots with it. Not my usual kind of lunch but I think it’d do in a pinch.
(1 breads / 2 vegetables/fruit / 1 meat)

Dinner: I’ll have the eggs with the bread and that slice of cheese for it. I usually don’t eat much meat or eggs, certainly not two servings of it a day.
(1 breads / 1 meat / 1 milk)

Snack: The apple will do fine.
(1 vegetables/fruits)

Chestnuts roasted by Kapprika @ 08/04/2008 9:15 AM


Am i the only one who is mad Crocker conspicuosly decided to nix the plate for the apple and banana?

Chestnuts roasted by BOAT @ 08/04/2008 9:19 AM


SocialP, that picture was awesome! I fell asleep on my keyboard, again, so I got to see it this morning. Made my whole day! :D

I don’t know if it was from this post but I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was stealing different flavored Twizzlers from Walmart. As I was eating them one was beef flavored. It had the licorice texture but beef taste. I woke up feeling sick and I may have ruined my love for Twizzlers for the rest of my life.

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 08/04/2008 9:19 AM


shake for breakfast, shake for lunch

2 milk, 2 meat, 4 bread: two cheeseburgers
4 fruit: Mountain Dew (“concentrated orange juice”

Chestnuts roasted by ATD @ 08/04/2008 10:29 AM


I don’t dig on veggies. And two cubes of cheese? That’s a joke. That’s like eating two gummi bears.

Breakfast: Waffle slathered with butter and syrup with the milk (1 bread, 1 milk)
Lunch: Mix the tuna with a bunch of mayo, make a sammich (1 meat, 2 bread)
Supper: Hamburger with the swiss cheese (1 meat, 2 bread)
Snack: 2 whole bananas (4 f/v, since a half banana counts as 1)

Chestnuts roasted by Teddy Ray @ 08/04/2008 12:12 PM


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