My job takes me to many different office buildings during the week, and on a lucky draw, the place I was stationed at today just happened to have a street vendor selling nothing but bootleg movies and old comic books right by the entrance. At 8:30 in the morning, there are few sights finer.
I was way early for work, so I stood outside for a while watching them labor over the table setup, breaking only to crudely stare down the ass of any moderately attractive woman who walked by. After fifteen minutes of subtly snapping pictures with my phone camera before finally settling on the blurry shitfest above, I waltzed over to check out the goods.
By this point, I’d already decided that this street vendor was going to be the focus of today’s blog entry, so I knew I had to buy something. And I did: A $10 Transformers comic book from 1985. I guess the guys running the table weren’t used to people accepting their ridiculously bloated prices without a fight, because even though I was practically throwing a crumply Hamilton at them, the ringleader still felt the need to justify the price. “Oh, that one’s really a thirty dollar comic, but it’s on sale for ten bucks…it’s high-priced because Spider-Man guest stars in it, and he’s wearing the black costume, which makes this a real collector’s item, and I have children to feed and a sick Pa.”
I didn’t have time to explain to him that I was well versed in the value of geeky crap, and thus was completely aware of the dung being spoonfed. I just needed my token purchase. Sure enough, I checked eBay once I got into the office and found the same comic book selling for like, negative money with free shipping.
Make no mistake, the only reason I bought this was because I wouldn’t have had much of a blog entry without it. It’s all about the tangibles. Still, I know enough about comics to at least appreciate that it’s an issue from a pretty great series, which was sort of like a more adult, serious version of the cartoon I used to make googly eyes at.
I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet, but a quick thumb-through confirms that Spider-Man’s role mainly involves him wrestling with Ravage, who if you recall was the Decepticons’ resident panther/robot. It’s strange to see Ravage talking, especially when his conversations are so incredibly odd. Take this exchange, occurring after Spidey dodges Ravage’s attack:
SPIDER-MAN: HEY! Don’t you know it’s be-nice-to-Spider-Man week?
RAVAGE: You — you avoided my charge!
It’s a lot funnier if you’re on three hours sleep. Anyway, whenever I come across an old comic book, all I’m really after are the many fantastic advertisements littering its pages. There’s plenty to love in this old issue of Transformers, from a Fig Newton maze to a Bonkers candy spread featuring an old woman getting nailed in the head with a giant grape.
But this was the ad I liked the most. I collected a ton of ’80s Marvel comics in the ’90s, if only because there were always hundreds of them waiting to be pilfered from fifty-cent bargain bins. In a world without an Internet, scouring the ads from these old, dusty books was the best nostalgia trip a person could find.
Anyway, most autumn/winter issues from Marvel came with these sappily awesome holiday subscription ads, where famous comic book superheroes broke from their usual poses and costuming in favor of hot Christmas action. Here, Iron Man dresses in an iron Santa Claus costume, which outside of street vendors setting up comic book tables in the dead of morning is just about the coolest thing I’ve seen all day.
It saddens me to realize that I’ve never properly subscribed to a comic book. I just find something so appealing in the idea of a neatly polybagged comic book arriving on a monthly basis, complete with the requisite cardboard flyer packed in with the last issue, reminding us that it is, in fact, our last issue.
In closing, this entry cost me ten bucks, but at least now I can go to sleep with visions of Tony Stark trying to cram thank-you cookies into his mouth-slot while leaving toy planes under Christmas trees. And of that old lady getting bonked on the head with giant grapes. Life is good, and as a special bonus, it’s Friday.
PS: I totally didn’t notice it until just now, but it looks like I’ve successfully posted an entry for each day in July. Sure, some entries amounted to me saying “no entry tonight,” but hey. I’m going to continue the Megaparty this month, but I can’t 100% guarantee posts everyday, given that my handwritten work schedule is beginning to look like one of those exaggerated football play plans from a cartoon coaching session. Lots of arrows and circles and hell. We’ll see how it goes.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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First? Finally?