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X-E’s ’08 Summer Megaparty: Why So Cerealous?


Thank you, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. After my horrible failure with Reese's Puffs, I've finally procured my very own Joker cereal toy. It's the version that karate chops, which isn't as life-changing as the version that karate kicks, but beggars can't be choosers. And though I stand by my initial comment that Mr. Joker looks a tad too much like that demon boy from the end of Pet Semetary, I concede that any toy that looks that way is a fairly interesting artifact to yank out of a children's cereal box.

Now, I have questions for YOU.

1) East coast folks: I really want to go back to Wildwood, but it's been a while and I'm wondering what the current "climate" is like. Not in the weather sense. I know they tore down many of my beloved hotels, but has the boardwalk changed much? My brain's been pretty mucky this week, and I need to reset it by browsing 99 cent stores and looking at the sad remnants of the Golden Nugget.

2) Everyone: Okay, I'm determined to find out what this is. At some point long ago, Good Humor came out with "Vampire's Secret" bars, which as I understand it were a type of popsicle with "blood" cherry goo inside. Can anyone confirm or tell me more about these things? Were they ice cream truck fare or sold by the box in supermarkets? (I assume the former, because I can't imagine anything that macabre next to a Flintstones Push-Pop.) I'm desperate to learn more.

3) Everyone: This morning, on the latest episode of the very aptly titled Good Morning America, they conducted this huge experiment to prove that people cannot eat six saltine crackers in under a minute without the aid of some type of drink. I take great issue with this, and I'm absolutely sure that I can eat six crackers in sixty seconds without the aid of liquids. Is it just me, or does this seem like a totally doable albeit mostly unpleasant thing to accomplish?

4) Everyone With A Wii: Owning a Wii (lol sounded dirty rofl) but being way, way outside gamer culture, I'm very curious to know which are considered the best characters to use in Brawl. I'm a Pikachu loyalist, but I'm starting to see the merits of Ikedom and maybe even Marthdom. I really want to see the merits of Pokemon Trainerdom, but they've yet to become clear. According to general consensus and not just errant opinions, which are considered the best and worst characters? I MUST KNOW. This is so important.

5) Would you rather get eaten by a shark, a squid, or a killer whale?

Posted by Matt on 07/29/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 152 comments

Hey Mike! :) Good to hear from you, hope the big lifestyle change is working out. Very envious of your current ability to dine at Ohama on any given Friday night, so I’ll be sure to rub it in your face when I pound a twenty-year-old rubber frog into a big plastic flower and win a one-eyed monkey.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/29/2008 11:31 PM

5) Shark. Although you didn’t specify what kind of shark. I’d be perfectly content to let a tiny baby shark of some harmless variety chomp down on my arm. I feel fairly confident that I could kill it before it could kill me….

Although, if death is a necessity, let’s go with Megaladon. Or however it’s spelled.

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 07/29/2008 11:33 PM

Also: Killer whale, but only if it swallows me whole and I can live inside it like Jonah/Pinocchio/Link.

Chestnuts roasted by M.Fireball @ 07/29/2008 11:33 PM

Oh, and I’d go with the killer whale too, for sure. I’d liken that to being slayed by a gigantic dog. Being torn apart by a shark would be terrible, but since a squid would kill you in six or seven ways simultaneously, that’s the one I’d want to avoid.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/29/2008 11:33 PM

I actually saw that cracker experiment. It’s one of those things that sounds really easy, but is actually really difficult. I also saw the first episode of that Food Detectives show they were promoting. It’s a good concept (think Food Mythbusters) but it came off so hammy that it’s actually painful to watch. Plus, I get the feeling alot of these myths have already been done on Mythbusters. If they could just tone down with the acting, it would be more watchable.

I would pick shark because I watched the recent Shark Week episode of Mythbusters and you could MAYBE survive if you punch them in the eye.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 07/29/2008 11:33 PM

That is true; I did love pulling up to the warm, yellow glow of some mom and pop motel at 2 o’clock in the morning.

Chestnuts roasted by Clockwork @ 07/29/2008 11:33 PM

question 1: boardwalk is basically the same, although with an extra added dose of gangster kids…or at least while I was there. The ferris wheel and cool collectible toy store is still there, and really, thats what counts

question 2:Couldnt tell you on a bet

Question 3: I used to work at burger king, and they gave those saltine crackers out with the poor excuse for chili(which i loved regardless of what may or may not have been expired beef as main ingrediant) And seriously, you’ll end up coming close to choking if you try to eat 6 of them bad boys.

Question 4: Ive owned hard with kirby

lastly, for 5: I’de go with squid, because i imagine it would hug me with its tentacles before killing me, and that speaks for character.

Chestnuts roasted by precursor @ 07/29/2008 11:34 PM

I managed 4 in a minute.

Chestnuts roasted by Neg @ 07/29/2008 11:35 PM

1).I live in Florida so Im not sure how the weather is there.

2).Don’t recall.

3).I can probably do it.

4).Best:Mario,Luigi,Metah Knight,Pikachu, R.O.B.,Sonic,I lost track.

5).Killer whale. The irony is that Im going to Sea World this week.

Chestnuts roasted by Andre @ 07/29/2008 11:35 PM

2) The cracker trick is one that I use on my students when we have a day off. Normally, it’s practically impossible to do, and it leaves a mess of disgusting saltine spittles. Six would be doable albeit painful – but my students can do eight.

Chestnuts roasted by Katrina @ 07/29/2008 11:39 PM

Vampire’s Secret! Oh man.

The ice cream truck that visited my (Upstate New York) street growing up sold those things. I don’t remember ever seeing them in a store.

As I recall they were black or deep purple on the outside, blood red on the in (like you said).

I think they were a dollar each. Nowhere near as good as the Choco Taco, but way cheaper. Which is important if your budget is pocket change.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve @ 07/29/2008 11:54 PM

squid. squid for sure.

Chestnuts roasted by Nizz @ 07/29/2008 11:56 PM

I can’t answer any of your other questions but I can say with certainty: Killer Whale. not specifically because I think it would be less painful, but because the idea of it is far more rediculous and beautiful. Sharks and squids are too cold. Whale’s have personalities, and a killer whale is the strongest, fastest and liveliest of the three. It’s just far more abrupt and epic and violent. A shark would take pieces in quick jabs. A squid would pull me in and wouldn’t finish eating until like 2 hours after i had drowned. I don’t want a death that is just glorified drowning. A killer whale death is the aquatic equivalent of being eaten by a Tyrannosaur. Fast violent, epic, and done in under 5 bites.

Chestnuts roasted by Justin B @ 07/29/2008 11:57 PM

Spent a week in Wildwood last summer. Same old good stuff for the most part, plenty of junk shops, crane machines, the aquarium. Last year there was a stupid little Haunted Mansion style ride, wonder if its still there…

Chestnuts roasted by Brian @ 07/30/2008 12:01 AM

I find Mr. Game and Watch to be pretty effective. Lucas is also awesome (i’m not much for nes, but lucas carrie many a battle in the single adventures)

Chestnuts roasted by Bookaish @ 07/30/2008 12:01 AM

I’ve heard killer whales have been known to toss dolphins around before eating them, like cats with mice. Fricking sadists.

And I’ve heard that squid actually shoot out their tentacles like rockets, seize their prey, and start biting pretty quick. So I don’t know if a giant squid death would necessarily be slow and painful.

How about being eaten by a giant anglerfish?

Chestnuts roasted by The Real Andrew @ 07/30/2008 12:04 AM

To answer question four, the answer is Captain Falcon.

Has Matt ever posted his friend code, ever?

Chestnuts roasted by TRUKK NOT MUNKY @ 07/30/2008 12:11 AM

You definitely can’t eat (that means swallowing) 6 saltine crackers in a minute without water. The salt is the trick, it “absorbs” water…and saliva for that matter. It eventually feels like trying to swallow sand.

Even harder to do, and funnier to watch someone else try is downing a spoonful of cinnamon. Same effect but they’ll usually cough it out in a big reddish puff.

Chestnuts roasted by midship @ 07/30/2008 12:15 AM

man, i’m still haunted by vampire secret pops. i got one from a good humor truck when i was a kid (i remember marking out for the vampire on the wrapper). it was dark purple on the outside and looked like a basic rocket pop i think with red inside. i bit directly into it and got that intense shiver in my body you get when you sink your teeth into an ice pop. that was probably 14 years ago, but i STILL get the same exact shiver when i think about it. has anyone else ever experienced that phenomenon?

Chestnuts roasted by murman @ 07/30/2008 12:28 AM

1) Never been, but I’m going to Waldameer in a few weeks….

2) Don’t believe I ever saw these, but I bet my wife would love them. Speaking of vampires, have you seen the ads for HBO’s new vampire show? The few I’ve seen talk about granting vampire rights or removing them from society. Here is the one site: http://www.americanvampireleague.com/index.html
Remember – Vampires were people too.

4) No Wii, but I’ve got the Xbox 360 that seriously needs some love on this site…. Just sayin.

5)Killer whale – cheap travel and plenty of room to lounge.

Chestnuts roasted by jjwspider @ 07/30/2008 12:29 AM

What if you salivate to the point of drooling? Perhaps with enough saliva you’d be able to eat 6 crackers in a minute? It would be like making your own drink! I don’t think that is cheating?

Chestnuts roasted by milkmanjon @ 07/30/2008 12:31 AM

I went to Wildwood for the first time in 2005 when I tried to find the former location of Castle Dracula after reading the article about it on here. Wildwood impressed the hell out of me, since I’d never seen anything like it in my poor little landlocked southern home state.

Being there was like stepping into a TV show from the 70s or 80s. It seemed surreal – almost too good to be true. I went again in 2006, but haven’t been back since. The boardwalk “climate” did seem more downtrodden than AC’s, but that was part of what I loved about it. I can’t wait to go back sometime.

I also looked for the world’s worst arcade while I was in AC on that same trip, but stupid me somehow got it into my head that it was a Days Inn when it was actually a Quality Inn.

I know you east coasters take those towns for granted, but trust me, you’re lucky. Around my neck of the woods all we’ve got is Branson and its 872 live country music stage shows.

Chestnuts roasted by Simon @ 07/30/2008 12:36 AM

Matt,why would you consider using anyone BUT Pikachu? You’re insanely good as him. Sure,the constant lighting bolt is sort of a cheap win,but a victory is a victory in my book.

Chestnuts roasted by Kid Nicky @ 07/30/2008 12:36 AM

@milkman

It doesn’t matter how much you store up. You’ll still run out of moisture before getting to number 4 or so. The crackers themselves help with the absorption, and the time limit keeps you from waiting for more saliva to build.

Chestnuts roasted by midship @ 07/30/2008 12:38 AM

Two things, one: Pikachu always kicking ass is amusing, so keep doing it.

two: Squids may start biting fast, but their beaks are very small compared to sharks and killer whales, so it’s more like it’s gnawing on you than taking large swift chunks, or in the killer whale’s case, 1/3 to 1/2 of you at a time.

Chestnuts roasted by Justin B @ 07/30/2008 12:43 AM

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