Since twenty dollar bills grow on trees, I'm now the proud owner of an Animal Planet "Deep Sea Exploration" playset.

I have a love/hate relationship with this thing, but it's mostly love. For a long while, Animal Planet's toy division stuck with remarkably true-to-life playthings, with a strong emphasis on learning and utmost realism. Somewhere along the way, they realized that kids were more interested in wacky playsets involving mythical creatures and exaggeratedly monstrous real animals. I'm with 'em on that, but for all of the packaging's educational boasting, a playset starring a speedboat and a truck-sized anglerfish can in no way be considered a learning toy.

Since I have little need to gather my base of deep sea knowledge from twenty dollar Animal Planet playsets, I don't mind the fact that there are so many fibs on display here. In fact, I'd much rather be delivered nothing but untruths when it means that my toy anglerfish is going to be the size of a space heater.

I don't know if many real life deep sea explorations come by way of speedboats, but I guess that's why they included that random trio of shark jaws tied to the ship. It's tough to think about the legitimacy of speedboats in deep sea explorations when you've got three pairs of shark jaws mysteriously present.

Also included is a deep sea explorer, identified on the packaging only as "Action Figure." I've decided to call him Peter, because a closer look at the figure reveals him to be the lovechild of Peter Venkman and Peter Petrelli. Peter Venkman-Petrelli comes with one of those archaic diving helmets, as well as a big hammer and what I assume is some kind of metal detector.

Clearly, nothing referenced in the two paragraphs up north explain why I purchased this. Obviously, it was all about the giant anglerfish.

Though it would be interesting to think that anglerfish lurk the ocean depths at sizes twenty times larger than humans, these toys just aren't to scale. Actually, the giant, monstrous anglerfish looks awfully familiar, and I'm pretty sure that the toy's been repurposed from another, non-Animal Planet playset. Whatever, it's awesome. I've already cleared room on my trophy shelf for my new favorite thing on the planet.

Everything about the anglerfish is perfect. From the glowing green lure to the exaggerated teeth, to the weird eyes that alternate between looking like marbles and looking like Ghost Dots, it's the piece of art I've been longing for all my life. And where most pieces of art fall short in the hands-on experience department, the anglerfish certainly does not. Push down on his amber top fin, and his gigantic tongue flies up and down for no apparent reason.

I'll lose the boat and Peter Venkman-Petrelli by the time you read this, but my giant, tongue-wagging anglerfish will be with me long after all of you are dead.

Overall, Animal Planet's "Deep Sea Exploration" playset gets more happy faces than red X's. Its twenty dollar price tag is a bit ridiculous, but stuff like this is destined for the clearance racks, anyway. If you're interested in one, just wait. It'll be covered in red stickers and stocked next to dirty plushies in no time.

Posted by Matt on 07/27/2008. E-mail me!