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07/23/2008: X-E's '08 Summer Megaparty: "Shark Swarm" Movie Review.

Frivolous spending in Best Buy's DVD section = X-E movie review.

I can't fault Shark Swarm for being what it is — a lightweight "shark attack" movie produced for the Hallmark Channel without much gore or many frights. It was constructed as the world's first "shark attack" family movie; a genre which doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but is actually sorta cool in a roundabout, alternate universe kind of way.

It's just that I had no idea about any of that when I bought the Shark Swarm DVD this week. I thought it was going to be a soulless, hopeless, blood and tits direct-to-DVD shitfest, and boy was I wrong. (Judging from the DVD cover, I don't think you could blame me for having this assumption.) While watching it last night, it took me a while to figure out that all of the random fadeouts and lack of cussing meant that it was originally a TV movie.

The film follows a predictable formula, which isn't to say that it's not convoluted. Recalling the plot from memory alone, it went something like this: Evil developer wants to buy a small fishing town and transform it into an elite, upscale community filled with ritzy condominiums. To help persuade the locals into selling their homes, he dumps toxins into the water to poison the fish and ruin their only steady stream of income. Stay with me, here. As a byproduct of the toxins and lack of fish, the sharks go bananas and start working in unison, hunting like pack wolves and eating everyone they can get their teeth into. They stole my idea!!

The town's only hope lies with a few characters played by people you would recognize — John Schneider and Daryl Hannah, namely. Interestingly, I spent the whole movie thinking that the person playing Daryl Hannah's character looked an awful lot like Daryl Hannah, but I never quite made it to the conclusion that it actually was Daryl Hannah. Imagine my surprise when I inspected the DVD case closer, and right there in big letters, there it was: DARYL HANNAH.

There's some charm to the film, but I don't think I can recommend it. Since it was created as a two-part TV movie, it's needlessly long at 164 minutes. That's over two and a half hours, and it's important to note that the sharks factor into maybe ten minutes of that. Thus, it becomes a film with that intangible "movie that WILL NOT END" syndrome, and believe me when I say that you'll be ready to cash out long before it gets interesting.

The sharks, for their part, are pretty bleh. During the shots where we just see sharks randomly swimming around, the CG is pretty good. (Yes, it's all CG — I honestly don't believe they used a single piece of actual stock shark footage, let alone a custom scene with real sharks. They even excluded the patented fake-fin-above-water trick.)

It's when the sharks attack that the problems start. For one, we rarely see the sharks actually bite anything. They always cut away to a reaction shot before that happens, or they do an instant time lapse to go from Point A (shark roving towards its meal) to Point B (fifty gallons of Cherry Gatorade dumped into the water). The same shots of sharks lunging in for the kill are repeated throughout the movie, too.

But the biggest problem is that everyone spends most of the film completely unaware of the shark swarm, despite the near dozen scenes of sharks yanking people into the water and eating them. (The sharks usually performed this by biting onto a rope that the victim was holding and dragging him or her in…there are a LOT of ropes in this movie.) These random shark attack scenes are hilarious, and completely without context. Shark Swarm is largely about six or seven characters, but since they can't get eaten by sharks or even know about the sharks too soon, most of the kill scenes act as fifteen-second transitions. Like, you're watching a lunch scene with Daryl Hannah and The Dukes of Hazzard guy, and then they cut to a scene where a shark eats a nameless skin diver, and then they cut to Daryl and The Dukes of Hazzard guy eating dinner. There's a lot of that.

If I hadn't already drawn the conclusion that Shark Swarm was an experiment in making a shark attack movie where the sharks are of almost no consequence, my theory would be that Shark Swarm was produced as the world's first intentional drinking game movie. One swig if the random victim manages a line or two before getting eaten, two swigs if not. Three if the scene involves a shark eating someone whose face is never shown. It's a good thing I watched Shark Swarm with my nephew, otherwise I'd be in the hospital today.

Despite this, there's stuff to like in the film. I enjoyed seeing all of these vaguely familiar faces who clearly understood that they had shit roles in a shit movie, desperately trying to rise above it and somehow succeeding. This isn't one of those TV movies that makes you feel bad for stars who were once much bigger stars, but rather, it's one of those films where you know the people in it cakewalked their way through production, had fun and wrote the whole ordeal off as a paid vacation. It's not that they seem bored or "iffy" about their roles, it's that they acted with a nice lightheartedness that surely fit a film featuring twelve scenes where sharks yank people into the water to eat them…not to mention the fact that they were working from a script that called for a grandmother and a local, non-denominational pastor to fall in love. (There's twelve scenes for the sharky yanks…thirteen for Granny and God.)

I'm a little torn on Shark Swarm. I know I can't recommend that you buy the DVD, because this is a film that was so firmly built as a lazy TV movie that you'd feel awfully stupid paying for it. A rental, maybe, but I still think it was meant to be watched on regular TV with only half of your interest vested.

On the other hand, there's enough stupid shit in here to satisfy the bad movie lover in anyone. There's shark ray guns that make sharks forget that they're hungry and swim away. There's a climactic scene where the heroes must interrupt a baptism ceremony at sea before the sharks can eat everyone, even though the guests were standing in water that was only up to their ankles. There's a scene where one of the lesser heroes gets shot STRAIGHT IN THE CHEST, but manages to have a two-minute, calm goodbye conversation with The Dukes of Hazzard guy before finally dying.

If they trimmed Shark Swarm down to 90 minutes, it could be my favorite movie ever.

Special bonus Murphy's Law thingamajig:

I bought Shark Swarm and Lake Placid 2 at the same time. Haven't watched the latter film yet, but I just noticed that the aforementioned Dukes of Hazzard guy is the star of both movies. Something about that scares me. Is it coincidence, or have I just never realized that I'm John Schneider's #1 fan?

If anyone needs me, you know where I'll be.

I saw parts of this on TV….yeah it wasn't great.
What WAS great however,was the Dark Knight,which I just watched and highly reccomend.

Awesome. I haven't seen this yet and I work at Best Buy. I'll have to take a look.

Wow, this was on the Hallmark Channel? This looks like a Sunday afternoon SciFi flick that is followed by, I don't know….Pterodactyldog or RoboGator 2.

Speaking of which, when will the jukebox be up? Or will this join the pantheon of the Chia Plot?

If you want a good drinking game movie, check out "Wild Zero." It is a Japanese rock n' roll zombie movie. The DVD actually has a feature that shows a beer glass logo on the screen when you are supposed to drink.

Wow, in the top 10… Awesome. Movie sounds pretty good, too, what with Shark Week coming up.

The best part about Lake Placid 2 is that it made the origional Lake Placid look good.

Wild Zero?
Guitar Wolf!!!!!
I got nothin on the shark movie, sorry,
Now off to patent my shark raygun.

Fun. yeah around halloween I always buy the discount horrors, some are gems some are germs. Live and learn. I doubt I'd have the patience for this one.

My husband loves sharks, so if I happened to watch this with him he would tell me all of the things wrong with the sharks and how sharks don't attack people blah blah blah…Shark Week is in a week-yay

You hit a nerve here. Anything with sharks in it is terrifying. It was never proven, but I know for sure that our backyard pool had sharks in it when I was 8. It is a lucky break for me I was never eaten. Thumbs down on shark swarm.

Hold everything. Tragic news everyone. Estelle Getty has passed away. I knew you'd want to know Matt.

I actually found out about Estelle Getty from HERE. The world ain't gonna be right without Sophia's wit.

Nahh, I'll pass on "Shark Swarm." Blood and I, even for just twelve vague scenes, don't get along well. Besides, I just watched my DVD of "Weekend At Bernie's," and that's enough dumb-but-fun death for one day.

Ray gun that causes sharks to forget the only thing they actually think about(hunger). Sounds like it needs robot shadows in the bottom portion of the screen

I ordered a dvd of a great movie today. The Calamari Wrestler. I can't wait to get it. Amazingly I could not find it in any store, but online it only cost 2 big ones. Joyful day.

This looks just bad enough for me to want to watch. I need to check out my Wal-Mart. Those huge $5 bins are the best! I'm stocked full of mediocre movies because of it.

^^^^^
Haha, YES! Glad I'm not the only one who can't escape Wal- Mart without a 2 liter of "Sam's Choice," two Slim Jims, and three movies from the 5 buck bin that I will never watch again!

Hey Matt, kinda early but I have an old CD that came with a box of Boo Berry awhile back, made for ABC Family's 13 days of Halloween thingy a few years ago. It's outrageously obnoxious and horrible, and I think you could make a great Halloween feature with it. It holds a special place in my heart, so I can't send you the cd, but I can send you the MP3s and cover art.

Also, is this as bad as Jaws IV? I didn't think Shark movies could get any worse(In a good way…)

Oh no, this movie in no way, shape or form dethrones any record currently held by Jaws IV. I doubt any movie will ever do that.

It amazes me that Michael Caine stars in Jaws IV and The Dark Knight…they're on two different levels of film making.

I haven't read the blog post but I just wanted to brag that I got a letter published in Nintendo Power. Volume 232, Sept. 2008. With Sonic on the cover.

I've had one published before, but they made this one one of the "highlight" letters, printing it in larger text on the corner of the page.

Neg
It's published by Future US now, but yes it is still around and is pretty decent these days. They just celebrated their 20th Anniversary issue last month, actually.

No way this movie is as bad as Open Water. I went in to the film hearing how "creepy" and "disturbing" it was. What I got was a good long session of boredom that was highlighted by seeing a hot pair of boobies.

My family ended the subscription to Nintendo Power we had in 1995. I don't play video
games as much as I used to. Spy Hunter and
Paperboy were among my favorites. Gauntlet
too. Goodbye Sophia (Estelle Getty). Say
Hi to Sal (Sid Melton) and Stan (Herb
Edelman) for me if you see them.

I actually liked Open Water. Granted, it's more of a melodrama than an actual horror film, but I like it alot.

I really don't know If I like Deep Blue Sea. I've seen it at least 5 times, (3 in the theaters, not sure how this happened). I recalled not liking it, perhaps because I saw it so many times in a short period. However I watched 2 scenes on HBO the other day and I got genuinely scared during a few parts.

I used to buy all them cheap B movies too. I have a TON of VHS's I haven't watched yet.

There is this awesome DVD store near me that just opened…its all these horribly bad B films and bolly wood, mexican and Japanese films. It's run by this cute old Indian guy but it smells in there like incense or something, and it makes my head hurt.

I saw Jaws like 20 years ago, and have never seen another water terror movie since. I think I should though.

Somehow Hallmark Channel and horror don't really seem to fit together. That is, unless we're talking about one of their 17 hour sagas about some terrible, contribed plot that just won't stop!

Yikes, this movie doesn't sound very good. Still, you say it is better than Jaws IV? Well, in that case maybe my 9-year-old self would actually enjoy it. Yeah, that that is my roundabout way of saying that I actually sort of liked Jaws IV as a kid… at least enough to tape it off one of those HBO free preview weekends. (It is on the same VHS tape as Martin Sheen's THE BELIEVERS).

BTW… I see my last post was deleted. I'm sort of in the dark as to why, but apologies if I did anything I wasn't supposed to.

I can't walk out of that damn Wal-Mart without at least one $5 DVD or $7 CD in my cart. The last time I went I found Season 1 of "The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin" for $5. HAD to get it, as that's the cartoon that filled my weekday-mornings-before-school void that was left when "Masters of the Universe" was cancelled.

This shark movie sounds like Hallmark's attempt at edginess, as all I've ever seen on there are things like those "Love's Everlasting Promise" movies. I would've mistaken for a Sci-Fi weekend filler movie, too, the kind my dad REALLY gets into.

Whether it's terrible or not, I'm so glad you watched it just so I could read you write about it:

"or they do an instant time lapse to go from Point A (shark roving towards its meal) to Point B (fifty gallons of Cherry Gatorade dumped into the water)."…hahaha

….and granny/pastor lovin'?? Wild, wild stuff

Open Water was fairly boring but watch Open Water 2 for a plot and ending so stupid you'll want to punch yourself in the face 100 times just for sitting through the damn thing.

Is it wrong that I liked Open Water 2 a lot better than the first one? I can't remember what I said about the first one when I wrote about it (or if I ever wrote about the sequel), but disregarding all of that, I thought the Open Water 2 was at least more…watchable. It had a lot of stupid moments and fell into the unspoken direct-to-DVD sequel trap of trying to be wackily existential, but at least I didn't spend two hours upset that two people I didn't like were swimming around in their own puke.

John Schneider is pretty awesome. He is the star of one of my favorite bad movies, "Cocaine Wars."
Also, Matt, have you seen either "Shark Zone" or "Raging Sharks"? I can't remember which is better.

I like that this emoticon

is named Icon_razz.gif. I want to write a comic book and name the villian Icon Razz.

no wai! i scribbled something script-wise-ing-ly similar about Zerg Rushes..(?) coincidence, sure. but very eerie.

You should get your hands on another truly truly horrible shark attack movie called "Blue Demon" starring Michelle Pfeiffer's sister, looking a lot more like she's Cameron Diaz's sister.

Dude! Why would you pay 14.99 for Lake Placid 2?? Hahah that's nuts! Why didn't you just rent it? Hope it rocks(ed)!

I'm surprised anybody has had a chance to post anything at all, what with the rad direct link to the John Schneider fan page… okay I can't take it anymore. I gots to get me some more Schneidery goodness.

Have to bookmark the John Schneider fanclub page for later on, looks like a perfect timewaster at work. That was an awesome return to X-E Movie Reviews…I've missed them Matt!

I so want to see Pterodactyldog and Robogator 2. Let us not forget that Sci-Fi did show a film called Ice Spiders. Furthermore they cast the guy that played Jeff (whom Kelly cheated on Zack with) on Saved By The Bell.

This is the kind of film that I watch and usually rather enjoy, I didn't realise there was an Open Water 2 either… will have to look it up.

I have to take umbrage with Mezzanine's comment way up top; the Hallmark Channel is AWESOME. They show two episodes of "Murder She Wrote" every weeknight! (Or "EXCITEMENT she wrote!" as Troy McClure once said.)
An ep that was on last week had both John Astin and Lee Meriweather; the replacement Riddler AND replacement Catwoman from the '60s Batman series! I was in heaven.
I wish I could see the Schneider shark movie, but they won't quit playing the lame Luke Perry/C. Thomas Howell western.

Did anyone catch the CBS movie "Spring Break Shark Attack" I didn't catch the whole thing but it looked like a real winner!

I'm with Edddie The Lightning Frog on this one….I can't believe you spent 14.99 on Lake Placid 2. Unless Betty White makes a triumphant return in this movie no one whould pay 14.99 EVER! Speaking of sharks the print ads of Shark Week scared the shit out of me. http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/sharkweek/shark-yoursel... that guy's face just reminded me of something out of the video for Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden. If you wanna make a sharkface using your own face follow that link.

Maybe a survey will bring you guys to life. What's the best underwater creature film ever made?

I have faith that Matt got Lake Placid 2 on sale and did not pay $14.99 for it. Right Matt!??! Right!??! Oh God…please tell me I am right. This is the kind of crap that could shake the very foundation of my psyche and push me over the edge of sanity. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS CHRISTMAS - MATT TELL THEM YOU GOT IT ON SALE!!!

JLAJRC - I don't see how the original Jaws doesn't clean up in this survey. So yeah, I vote for Jaws.

I don't know about an entire film but I have some favorite underwater creatures in film.

1: Goonies. The octopus was awesome!
2: Clash of the Titans. Nothing can hold up against the mighty Kraken from this movie, except maybe the octopus mentioned above!

Maybe for best film I would go with The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. That one was pretty special!

Jaws was bad. I say this as someone read it before it was a movie. Too many pointless side-plots, unenjoyable characters, pointless random cute furry animal death not attributable directly to the sharky, and needlessly boring ending.

OK…I have taken several deep breaths and figured out how to put a positive spin on paying full price for Lake Placid 2. You can take pride in having supported the American Instution that is John Schneider. Nothing is more American than one of the Duke boys. Great work Matt!

I vote for Dagon as well, its an amazing movie. I also have to throw my chips in with Cereal Killer, never been much of a Jaws fan.

Lottie - you know that one scene? I've never been able to watch it. I've seen the movie 100's of times and never watched that one scene.

Don't forget Devil Fish…the movie covered by MST3K which stars Italians playing Floridians trying to kill the evil octo-shark thingee.

Humanoids from the Deep is a pretty fun giant killer sea turtle (that's what they looked like to me) film.

gingela5 Little tibit about me, I saw Keiko at an Oregon Coast aquarium when I was about 13 or so. Keiko is the whale that played Willy in the movie. One of the benefits of living in Oregon

GoobThat's awesome! I am jealous…for some reason anytime I think of Free Willy it just reminds me of Michael Jackson…

It's not a movie, but it should be allowed to count. The coolest water creature has got to be Nim from Surface, the awesome but short lived series that aired on NBC a couple of years ago.

Shawn, I may be in the minority, but I liked Lake Placid. I laughed…heartily.

Cameron T, that's awesome. I, myself, had a letter published in Blender magazine. I got a crappy CD/mp3 player for it, and when the UPS guy delivered it, he told me his brother had asked him if he knew me because he saw I was from the same town (it's a pretty small town). I felt almost famous.

Cricket, the wife and I made it about 5, 10 minutes into The Life Aquatic and gave up on it…we just couldn't get into it.

Finally, I learned tonight on Jeopardy that Michael Jackson was in an afterschool special called Daddy Can't Read. That sounds totally XE worthy.

Yeah it was pretty cool he wasn't that enthusastic he just sat there so it is mostly just for bragging rights. Free Willy is such a cheesy kids movie I watch it from time to time. Michael Jackson has a song at the end of Free Willy (but I think you were just being sarcastic I am not sure)

I saw the first hour of the second one (there are three in the series) a few months ago and that is oh so bad. The main boy character is supposed to be a foster system reject runaway that has a bad mother that runs around with other runaways that panhandle and steal food to survive.

He runs in with his punk friend and starts spray painting at the aquarium. A cop catches him and he has a "Oh yeah??!?" attitude about the situation and he gets thrown in with two foster nice conservative parents. He falls in love with Willy and well I think you can guess what happens after that. Total cheeseball. That boy totally doesn't look like a thug to me.

Jaws is obviously the best underwater creature film ever made. I don't even know how it can be a discussion.

Goob
I thought Free Willy two was about the original kid finding he had a brother.

Damn, I haven't seen Free Willy in AGES. Used to be one of my favorite films as a kid. I think I had it on VHS.

First off, the movie looks absolutely wretched but possibly in a good drunk kind of way. second– I found these "hot dog" flavored potato chips at the grocery store earlier this evening, and I was wondering if anyone else has seen them. They are quite possibly only in the Northeastern Ohio area, they are made by shearer's potato chip company, who make my favorite potato chips, but these scare me a little too much.

I live in MD and I have never heard of Shearer's potato chips here. I recall buying a bag of hotdog chips from Snyders of Hanover a while back, but I don't remember them tasting very good. I loved their steak and onion chips though.

The Dukes Of Hazard Guy? Am I the only one that remebers and loved John Schieder as superman's dad back on Smallville before it started to suck?

I know i'm late, but i'm chiming in anyway. best underwater creature, Darwin the Dolphin from Seaquest: DSV. He could talk man!!! And he had scuba gear!! No contest!

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