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X-E’s ’08 Summer Megaparty: Movie Madness.

In 1989, my mother chaperoned a trip for my friends and I go to see No Holds Barred. No Holds Barred starred Hulk Hogan, who essentially played himself, fighting for freedom against the twin terrors of corporate soullessness and a giant, dark-skinned monster named "Zeus." It was all very Shakespearean.

I'm very conscious of the fact that No Holds Barred is one of the worst movies ever made, featuring everything from shady Cadillac drivers shitting themselves to Rob Lowe's sidekick from Wayne's World somehow managing to electrocute himself in protest of a wrestling match's outcome. Still, No Holds Barred was spirited if nothing else, and as a ten-year-old with a bucket of popcorn and a bunch of fellow wrestling nuts, I had a great time.

Only thing is, I made my mother sit like ten rows behind us, by herself. My crew wanted to maintain the illusion that we went to the theater on our own. I guess the cool kids were doing it.

That must rank among the top ten cruelest things I've ever done. It's bad enough that I roped my mother into seeing No Holds Barred, but to force her to pretend that she went to see it by herself? Beyond cruel. I probably extended my purgatory sentence by a good seven years on that afternoon alone.

This is your random survey of the night: Discuss some of your weirdest movie theater experiences. I have plenty of them, and will post a few in the comments once I zzz zzz zzz myself back to full health.

Posted by Matt on 07/21/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 226 comments

I paid to see Waterworld and Suburban Commando.

Waterworld, I was one of only two people in the 100 seat cinema, and the other person got up and left part way through.

Best moment was the zipper scene in Something About Mary, opening night, full house. In unison, at that scene, there was collective noise from every male as the zip came up. Then we all broke out laughing at ourselves.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 07/22/2008 1:20 AM

Weirdest movie moment for me… my bf forced me to see the Bleach movie a month ago… the one theater it was showing in was packed and filled to the brim with smelly anime geeks. I don’t watch Bleach so I was clueless (movie sucked btw) but all the weirdos kept laughing at things that weren’t funny (I mean LAUGHING like “Look at me, that was so funny! I got the joke, you probably don’t get the complexity of such a joke it went straight over your head! HAAHAHAHAHAHAH!” kind of laughing.) and cheering when their favorite character appeared on screen. I was miserable. End of story. I clapped at the end, not because I liked the movie, but rather, that it was finally over…

Chestnuts roasted by Charity @ 07/22/2008 1:23 AM

I walked out of signs but left my date there.
Yes I know, I’m a terrible person, I’m sorry.

Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 07/22/2008 1:23 AM

Josh you told me you’d be right back! I wondered what happened to you! ;)

Chestnuts roasted by Dan @ 07/22/2008 1:25 AM

I went and saw Snakes on a Plane on opening night. The theater was packed with people with cardboard airplane wings on their arms and snakes wrapped around themselves. Once the movie began people started randomly throwing rubber snakes around the theater. To top it all off, whenever Samuel L. Jackson finshed saying a line someone in the crowd would yell out “BITCH”. That had to be the most fun I have ever had going to see a movie.

Chestnuts roasted by reTodd @ 07/22/2008 1:26 AM

Saw “In the Land of Women” with my girlfriend at the time. Had to watch a lot of crying, and about three of her dumbass friends were sitting behind us, talking.

At one point one of the ass-hats pointed up at the screen and shouted, “grrrrrl, look at that raccoon!!!” It was a possum. A fucking possum. What a bitch.

Chestnuts roasted by Aaron @ 07/22/2008 1:30 AM

- Seeing The Devil’s Rejects in an otherwise empty theater one week after it was released and at 8:45 at night.

- The standing ovation people gave *that* scene in Disney’s Miracle. They were otherwise silent throughout the rest of the movie.

- People walking out during Cloverfield.

- Watching a four member family pile into the theater with four TUBS of popcorn, four giant drinks and several boxes of candy… only to leave half way through the movie to refill on everything. Insane.

Chestnuts roasted by Rein @ 07/22/2008 1:36 AM

The strangest movie going experience was in my youth. We were trying to sneak in to see the theatrical release of ‘Jason Takes Manhattan’, (which should have been called ‘Jason jacks up a bunch of nobody’s on a boat and spends enough time in New York to smoke a Newport and take a piss.” But I digress. Anyway, it was no dice. A seven year old just wasn’t getting in until some old man, whom I expected was some sort of pedophile at first, was there with his twelve grandchildren, and we snuck in with the herd. From the box office revenue of the film, you can imagine were were about the only one’s in the theater, but we never paid, free popcorn and candy.
Then we filed out after one awful movie, (Awful? Yes. Seen it more than a hundred times? Bet your ass.)
Then the guy tried to get us to go to his “grandkid’s” birthday party right after the movie. As appreciative as I was for the free movie and goodies, the whole pedophilia-possible-cornholing, just wasn’t worth a bad movie and some popcorn.

Chestnuts roasted by The Razor Himself @ 07/22/2008 1:38 AM

Back in 1990 I was watching Gremlins 2: The New Batch when the film began messing up as if there was some problem in the projection room. The film sputtered and stopped and obviously we (the patrons of the theater) were pretty frustrated. We became even more agitated when it became clear that the delay in the film wasn’t due to any mechanical error, but instead a few pesky gremlins had decided to have some film-shredding fun at our expense. Thankfully a rather large man, sporting an awesome blond fu-manchu mustache, yelled a few choice words at the creatures messing with the projector, and apparently intimidated by his words, they resumed playing the film.

Chestnuts roasted by Magic Toy @ 07/22/2008 1:40 AM

I once went to a dollar theater that I’ll swear was hosting some sort of goth convention. The strange part was that almost everyone in the theater would throw things during certain parts of the movie. Not popcorn or soda cups, but things like playing cards, toilet paper, and even slices of bread. It all seemed very pre-planned. To this day I get creeped out thinking about it, and I don’t even remember the name of the movie.

Chestnuts roasted by Simon @ 07/22/2008 1:52 AM

Sam O. – I actually saw a wrestling event in the Expocenter. Jake the Snake was supposed to be in the main event but could not be there. George the Animal Steele took his place – I was able to get a chunk of one of the turnbuckles that he tore up.

Movie wise, probably being first in line when they re-released A New Hope. We waited forever and then right before the move started they switched lines (two had formed). We wound up being halfway back when they started letting people in. We bitched to some random attendant and when they opened up the gates to let people in he opened the ropes for us and we (15 of us) bolted for the theater. Got the best seats in the house and a lot of dirty looks from the people ahead of us. It was a THX certified theater (tough to find in those days) and it…was…AWESOME.

Chestnuts roasted by stonetumbler @ 07/22/2008 1:55 AM

Whoa Lauren, that is intense!
Mortalwind, I’m cringing right now.

I went to see One-Hundred-and-One Dalmatians when I was little, and this kid behind me (couldn’t have been more than a year younger than I was, but I was pretty young) kept yelling “Cat! Cat! Dog! Dog!” anytime either animal was on-screen. It was horrible.

The second time I went to see Lilo and Stitch (with my cousin), this little girl behind us was talking to her mom (grandma?) in a not-so-quiet voice for most of the movie. At one point, she just about yelled out “I found my family, too! When I was born!” Would have been cute had she been quiet the rest of the time.

I haven’t really been to the movies terribly often, otherwise I’d probably have a story about something other than annoying children. But there was that one time when I was the annoying child. Went to the drive-in to see something (ET, I think?), and I kept throwing my blanket out the car window so my mom had to keep getting out to get it for me. Jerk move now, but I thought it was hilarious when I was doing it. Sorry, ma.

Chestnuts roasted by Rainbowfeet @ 07/22/2008 1:56 AM

1. When I was a little guy, they re-released Bambi into theatres around here for some random reason and my mom took me to see it. During the tragic scene where Bambi’s mom gets shot I climbed and stood up in my seat and in a theatre full of mothers and children I proceeded to shout “YEAH! HE GOT HER!!”

2. When my friends and I saw Superman Returns a couple years ago, during the part where Superman takes a bullet to the eye, right as the bullet is literally millimeters from his eye, the screen froze for like 10 seconds and then cut out. Everyone screamed and raised hell and we were offered refunds.

Chestnuts roasted by Brian @ 07/22/2008 2:13 AM

One of the best movie theater experiences I’ve ever had was when I saw “The Santa Clause” with my mom back in 1994. For some reason, we saw it a few days AFTER Christmas, and we were the only ones there. The movie wasn’t as good as I hoped, and my mom didn’t care about it either, so I spent pretty much the whole time running around and making jokes about what was going onscreen.

Chestnuts roasted by Master Jake @ 07/22/2008 2:27 AM

No Holds Barred with the mighty Zeus was one of the greatest movies of my childhood, I must of hired it out over 20 times.

My three wierdest movie experiances all come from sleeping through them. I was taken to see Phantom by one of my mates parents whn I was about 11, and never saw a moment of it, from the title screen to the credits I slept.

Next, on Christmas eve my folks picked me up from my work christmas party to go see a late night session of the “Polar Express” with my family. I was incredibly drunk and slept through it, but the problem was my snoring, mumbling and sleep talking was so loud my family left me to sit by my self, unconsious, and several other movie goers just got up and left (and complained to the cinema staff on the way out, bastards).

Also on a date the young lady and I fell asleep leaning against each other when seeing ‘traffic’. Very awkward.

Greg N.

Chestnuts roasted by Greg N. @ 07/22/2008 2:32 AM

My friends and I saw Changing Lanes, and right in the middle, a cell phone rang across the theater. No biggie, they’ll shut it off, right? Nope. She picks it up and practically shouts into it “HELLO? OH HI! How are you? No, I’m just watching a movie…” and so on. Obviously, she had no intention of quieting down or hanging up, and the other patrons (the theater was pretty packed) were getting squirmy and muttering under their breath.

Then, suddenly, I see my friend Ben stand up out of the corner of my eye, and he cups his hands to his mouth and shouts at the top of his lungs…

“SHUT UP!”

The lady turns and looks at us, gets up and walks out, still yakkin’ away on her phone. Ben got a rousing round of applause from the rest of the audience, and we resumed the film as normal.

-Adam-

Chestnuts roasted by Adam @ 07/22/2008 3:03 AM

Muthafuckin’ Snakes, Muthafuckin’ Plane. Opening day. Cue lots of random cheering, clapping and hooting from our very spirited group of about forty people(it was a mid day show so not as many showed up)

Attending Lord of the Rings costumed as an elf and arriving several hours early due to when my mom could drop me off. Sitting in the lobby of the movies eating chicken fingers while trying to make sure my ear tips were firmly glued into place as people stared at me… I cringe to think about that now. Attending Pirates in costume was not nearly as embarassing somehow…

Also good were the random day camp trips to the movies that took the place of our field trips or swimming on insanely rainy days. We’d all get trouped into the movies as random other customers were horrified.

Chestnuts roasted by Skywalking @ 07/22/2008 3:05 AM

Gigli. Top that.

Chestnuts roasted by cigar @ 07/22/2008 3:52 AM

I saw Dark Knight, and pretty much only liked Heath and when they said “Commisioner Gordon.”

HOW’S THAT FOR WEIRD!?!?

Chestnuts roasted by Neg @ 07/22/2008 4:23 AM

Trying desperately to fall asleep during Seabiscuit. I hate that movie.

Also, my sister took me to see Star Wars Episode II and some guy dressed as Spiderman was running about the theater.

Chestnuts roasted by mezzanine @ 07/22/2008 4:28 AM

My parents would take my sister and I to the drive all the time. It was not to watch kid movies, they took us to see movies that they wanted to watch. I remember seeing the head come out of the hole in the boat in Jaws that scared the crap out of me. My sister was just a baby.

One movie that I will never forget is The Amityville Horror. I was maybe 5 or 6 at the time. I knew it was a scary movie, but, had no idea how scary for a kid. We had a station wagon and we would fold the backseat down and lay on blankets. I remember the start of the movie with the music and seeing the windows light up with the gun shots. I had no idea what was going on. I heard the kinda cheerfull music and thought to myself, this aint that bad. I can deal with this. Then the part came up with the priest blessing the house. That vioce saying “GET OUT”, I will never forget that vioce. That scared the crap out of me. I freaked. Needless to say. Throughout the rest of the movie. I layed on the blankets in back and stared up at the stars in the sky. I did not watch the rest, LOL. I feel asleep.

Chestnuts roasted by The Beast @ 07/22/2008 4:43 AM

BJ It sounds like you need to learn the art of finding movies online when they are still in the theaters my friend :) Also one time when I was in grade school we had a black out and it was creepy and cool at the same time. A female teacher with a flashlight led us to the bathrooms because a lot of us had to go.

Cat the Vampire Slayer I yelled at a guy at the local Hollywood video because I got the dvd case behind the display case and he told me that I was supposed to get the display case instead of one behind it. I was pretending to be mad even though I was so into it I walked out saying that I was right and he was wrong. He said that a shipment of the cases that go behind the display case (I don’t know exactly what it is called) didn’t come in so the dvd went into the display case. I said but there are both of the cases right there, and that is how the system works and I thought the customer was always right blah blah. My best friend stayed in the store and paid for the dvd’s rentals and when he went out to the car he said I was right and the guy had to go back and get the right case for the dvd’s lol. And right after that he took a break. I was just having fun really. I am not an asshole. I am so glad I was right though because I would of looked so bad if I was wrong.

Mortalwind OUCH!! Did your family have insurance? I bit down on a hard piece of sausage about 3 months ago and it went into a crack between my wisdom tooth and my molar and then fell out while I was swallowing and I thought my filling fell out. I was so freaked out I can’t even tell you. I even had my best friend that was sitting across the room watching tv check to see if everything was ok in my mouth. I reluctantly ate the rest of my dinner. I haven’t had that happen so that is why I didn’t know the difference. And they are called Butterfinger BB’s.

Simon RHPS you snarky bastard :D

cree Sleepwalkers with the species of half cats half humans? I like that movie but I can see people not liking it. The creepiest part of it is when the mom and son have sex. They are the last of their kind so that is the reasoning behind it. The theme song they play in the background throughout the movie is great and very creepy. (cool it’s on youtube! I would like a copy of it though)

Lauren Wow! Did they make any noises? Did they survive? An old neighbor lady got taken to the hospital a little over a month ago in an ambulance they had moving trucks at their house I don’t think she made it even though she was alive when they took her.

My worst movie I have ever seen in the theater was Nepolitan Dynamite. Yeah yeah I know people think that is funny I didn’t like it at all. I told my best friend I wanted to see that movie rather then the one he wanted to go to (he likes manly action movies) and so we went. He still to this day says I owe him one for dragging him to that movie. A group of kids in their early 20′s laughed the whole movie at stupid things. I still to this day wonder if they were stoned. At the end we were leaving and they said no wait! There is a part at the end of the credits that is really funny!! so for their sakes we watched the wedding scene after the credits. I don’t get it.

During the Butterfly effect a woman left the theater no more then a minute into the child molestation scene. Me having my moments of being naive I thought she just had to go to the bathroom. She never came back though. The theater was crowded though and no one else left during the whole movie. I have a copy of that movie I bought it the day it came out I love that movie.

I went to see Men in black in the theater with my Mom. My Mom didn’t raise me so those outings were nice growing up. There was a guy behind us that was obviously on a date because he went out of his way to impress the girl he was with and he was putting his arm around her etc. but he seemed nice. During the scene where they are slowly zooming showing the nasty creepy looking guy at the booth that is really pale the guy behind us said “crack kills” I about dyed laughing. I always think of that when I am watching that movie on tv. I looked at that guy and smiled to show appreciation.

My best friend (his name is Harry) said when he was a teenager he would go with his friends and sneak them into the drive in. When the guy would walk around and check tickets he would take out a handful of tickets that he stuffed behind the visor from past visits to show he had the tickets for everybody. He rigged his 1968 ford falcon so driving in it looked like he was going by himself. This was LONG before I knew him. This was when he was a teenager.

I honestly didn’t go to the movies that often as a kid, my Grandma thought it was a waste of money because you could just buy a copy of it on vhs a few months later for a little over that price and watch the vhs over and over again. But when I was about 16 I went with my Mom alot for a little over a year.

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/22/2008 5:26 AM

When I went to see Steven King’s The Mist in cinemas, the entire audience was so into the movie that people were yelling at the audience. I forget exactly what now but it was in the overly-religious character Mrs. Carmody’s big climax. She’s proclaiming that it’s the end of times and God is punishing them, suspense is building and as she is monologuing on and on, suddenly someone right behind me yells out “JUST KILL HER ALREADY” really loudly. The audience cracked up at this. Sure enough, a few minutes and a gunshot to the head later, the entire audience was cheering, getting up out of their seats and applauding.

Pretty special stuff, there, I mist admit… ho ho ho.

Chestnuts roasted by Xavier @ 07/22/2008 5:45 AM

For me, it has always been a tie. When I went to see “He-Man and She-Ra in the Secret of the Sword” at the opening weekend matinee , the movie was continually interrupted by the loud bangs and slams of the exit doors in the front of the theater opening and closing. The staff was trying to surprise the kids by having He-Man and She-Ra ACTUALLY SHOW UP! We got out and there they were, in front of a limo, waiting for the throngs of kids. They looked pretty close to the cartoon, but didn’t say much. I got a autograph and was so excited, I called one of my best friends to tell him. Him, his brother and his mom all laughed at me saying, “They’re not real!”
That tied with going to see “Congo” in the theater and inciting the whole audience of 5 people to riff on it with me.

Chestnuts roasted by Pepe @ 07/22/2008 5:49 AM

Best movie experience is probably going to see Aqua Teen Hunger Force The Movie. I was probably the only one who saw that movie the weekend it was there. The projectionist asked me if it wasn’t cold there because obviously they set the AC for a full theatre, since it was 120 F outside i didn’t care if i was bit chilly, and I loved that movie.

Probably the worst movie experience was going to see that Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman witches chick flick comed solely for riffing purposes but getting berated by my female friends who actually wanted to see a movie so cliched that it actually has a scene where the women dance around to an old 60′s rock song (much like that Ben stiller sketch), it was either that expierence or the one time I was like 12 and went with my gay cousin to see Blind Date in the movie theatre and started smelling smoke at the beggining of the show, we had to leave the theatre and on the way out was severely bummed out by all the little kids who were watching some animated flick (I think it was 101 dalmatians but im not sure)

Chestnuts roasted by Flepe @ 07/22/2008 7:06 AM

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