Since I seem to have disgusted a great many of you with yesterday’s entry on the Bullshot, tonight I’ll stick to something that everybody loves: Bubbles!
Course, saying that “everybody loves bubbles” is a clear invitation for some smarmy prick to post a comment about how he or she hates them. If that happens, tomorrow’s post is about the Karen Ross Congo figure.
From Funrise’s Gazillion Bubbles collection, meet GAZZLER! As I understand it, Gazzler is a three-eyed mutant lizard dog who exists solely for the purpose of spitting hundreds of bubbles at speeds that exceed all human comprehension. And as if the traits listed in the previous sentence didn’t make Gazzler impressive enough, note that he’s been inhumanly stitched onto a gun, transforming him from a bubble-spitting mutant to a bubble-spitting mutant that you can shoot!
It’s tough to imagine the path of action that brought Gazzlers into production, but I’m glad they’re here. Bubbles should be fun for everyone, but there’s no denying the female-targeted stigma they hold once the wand-wielder gets beyond age five. Guys need bubble fun too, and nothing makes bubbles more acceptable for men than a three-eyed mutant lizard dog who throws them up at top speeds.
Gazzler performs his task well, though the velocity at which he hurls his bubbles means that the fragile orbs only get to live for a second or two before popping from the pressure. On the flipside, it’s obvious that Gazzler’s secret purpose is to allow small children to beam other small children in the face with lots and lots of bubbles. For those ends, he’s an amazing achievement in mutant lizard dog bubble-shooting technology.
Whereas most mutant lizard dogs live and breathe through the magic of accursed ichor, Gazzler just needs a couple of “AA” batteries. I’m also just now realizing that if you don’t provide Gazzler with his included stock of bubble liquid, he makes an absolutely amazing portable fan. I’m sitting here all refreshed, with a face full of nice, buzzing Gazzler throat air. This is the highlight of my day and I’m not afraid to admit it.
I made a sucky YouTube video of Gazzler in action, because I know you’re having a tough time believing that there’s a mass-produced series of three-eyed, bubble-blowing mutant lizard dogs. In terms of proof, visual aids are always effective.
In closing, Bullshots are awesome and everyone should drink spiked beef stock.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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I can’t stand bubbles. Must be from being forced to eat them when I was a child.