Writing the X-E Summer Megaparty has been a constant reminder that I haven’t done anything remotely “summery” since the weather got nice. I intend to rectify that this weekend, so expect coverage of something that actually exists outdoors in natural light. Let’s just hope I don’t shrivel into ash while accomplishing this, but I’m prepared for the worst with the single most incredible Interview With The Vampire Dunst scream impression you’ll ever hear. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m so good at that.

Only eight days into the Megaparty, and already I’ve settled into a bogus 11 PM posting schedule. On the bright side, the second half of July is shaping up to be way less busy than this half. This half kinda sucks. Would it kill the working class to put everything on hold so I can blog with a clear head and eat lots of snowcones?

In tonight’s entry: A Super Mario pinball game and a tiny, dirty dinosaur toy. Yeah, I’ve begun taking reader requests. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about feet.

The Super Mario 64 Electronic LCD Pinball Game is something I picked up several years ago from a liquidating KB Toys that’s since closed down. I thought it’d make for a killer article, but after spending five years with the thing and never once having the desire to write about it, I guess I was just suckered in by the handwritten “7.99″ price tag. You always know you’re getting a good deal when the price tag is handwritten. This phenomenon isn’t uncommon within the many KB Toys establishments littering the globe. Is it just me, or do they train all of their employees to have the same exact penmanship? I’ve bought handwritten price tag items from more than two dozen KB stores across at least four states, and the price tag penmanship is always *exactly* the same.

If the above spiel felt like filler to you, I concede defeat. There just isn’t a whole lot to say about this beast. As far as pop-themed pinball games go, this is a boring, barebones affair that I barely feel justified in having paid eight dollars for, let alone the original retail price of 34.99.

The main issue is that it isn’t a true Nintendo product, but moreover just the pitiful result of a junky toy company getting a steal on the licensing rights. The game is totally “skinnable,” meaning that if you swapped the stickers and cardboard “floor” with pictures from a different property, it’d work just as well. Take away those things, and this has absolutely nothing to do with Super Mario 64. The pinball elements are totally generic, while the electronic sounds are more akin to a battery-operated Revenger than anything that would’ve spewed from a Nintendo 64 cartridge. It’s a real shame, because this whole mess would’ve been far more forgivable if I heard Mario’s “WA-hoooooo” after sinking the ball through the mid-top pinball tunnel.

If you think I’m being too harsh, note that the functionality of the game is positively terrible. The toymaker who designed Mario Pinball evidently hated whatever clientele he envisioned buying it, as the layout makes it impossible to last more than a few seconds before losing a ball. (And the process of getting the ball back into the slingshot position is so convoluted that I won’t even bother trying to put words to it.)

There are no action features to speak of. You just shoot the ball, and it comes back down. It may hit a few things along the way, but those things do nothing to alter the course of said ball. Hitting them only serves to trigger a series of obscene electronic sounds that I absolutely never want to hear again. I don’t think it really translates in this video, but Christ, these are some awful noises.

I like the concept of a Super Mario pinball game, but I hate this version, especially because I had to climb over a lot of sharp shit to pull it out of our storage closet.

Moving away from pinball: After stealing my mother’s eBay fodder for that Robo Force entry, I decided to drop off some of my old junk for her to sell. On my way in, I looked behind some bushes in the front of the house I grew up in, and I couldn’t believe it. Barely visible underneath the sticks and dirt was a toy I distinctly remembered owning as a child. I didn’t even have to look close to know that it was this weird little orange dinosaur figure that I absolutely loved toting around back in elementary school.

According to the text on the dinosaur’s ass, I left him back there in 1987. Pretty incredible that he’s survived every storm and squirrel to past through the front yard for over two decades.

It took me a while to remember what line the dinosaur was from, but a little Googlin’ goes a long way. How could I forget Panosh’s terrific line of tiny-sized, fruity-colored dinosaur figures? Hindsight tells me that Panosh created this as a direct result of Mattel’s popular M.U.S.C.L.E. collection, which forced virtually every competitor to try their hand at a series of “little figures.” Mainly sold in large multipacks, I was totally in love with these pocket-sized prehistoric pals. I definitely remember this orange dino being the last one I managed to hold onto, and assume that serious tears were shed when he got lost behind the bushes in the front of our house.

Still not sure how he got there. After numerous snake sightings, I was deathly afraid of those bushes and their surrounding area. Something’s fishy.

On a final note, there was a recent comment from someone wondering if I kept that Simpsons Movie donut from last July. If I can retain a Panosh dinosaur for twenty years, I think I can manage a donut for less than one.

Our refrigerator is kind of like the Smithsonian.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!