I used to review old Kool-Aid flavors all the time for the site, but I ran low on the “good ones” and wanted to save them for special occasions.
Blah, that’s a lie…I guess I just haven’t been in the mood to stretch a two-line flavor review into a thousand-line version. Then again, I just remembered that I have a jug of ancient Apple Kool-Aid the size of a small tank. Maybe now would be a good time to make X-E kool again. Yes, yes now would be an excellent time.
I know I’m running a Summer Megaparty, but the one thing I always appreciated about Apple Kool-Aid was its ability to move the brand into an all-out autumn zone. It was one of the few Kool-Aid flavors safe to drink during the Halloween season, and when I say “safe to drink,” I don’t mean it literally, but more in a “no white after Labor Day” sense. You get me.
An artifact of the very early ’80s, the flavor recalls a time when the makers of Kool-Aid still clung to the idea that they could market their wares as something more than loud, neon, obnoxiously-named sugarfests. You won’t find many Kool-Aid flavors so mundane and “pure” in today’s market…they just don’t evoke any sense of tongue-coloring sour-face trip-hop craziness. This barrel of Apple Kool-Aid is ancient, but it feels even more ancient than it actually is. It feels doubly ancient. And when Apple Kool-Aid is finally revealed as a ringer working at the behest of Hawaiian Punch Incorporated, it’ll feel like a doubly ancient double agent. A term that I find almost as fun to type out as it is to say aloud in my “incredulous robot” voice.
General Foods chose to introduce Apple Kool-Aid not only with the small “packets” we all knew and loved, but also with a special canister filled with enough Apple Kool-Aid to turn a kid’s sandbox into a kid’s edible sandbox. This probably wasn’t the best idea, as it forced consumers to roll the dice and assume that they would like Apple Kool-Aid enough to drink thirty bazillion gallons of it. If I was the Kool-Aid Man, I would’ve started smaller. Maybe with free sample packs in the Sunday newspaper. Or with advertorial skywriting.
Still, there’s evidence of some bet-hedging: Seemingly aware of the ridiculousness of SO MUCH Apple Kool-Aid, General Foods proudly proclaimed in at least thirty spots on the label that the canister was reusable. Thus, even if you weren’t completely in the market for a troth’s worth of Apple Kool-Aid mix, you might’ve been in the market for reusable canisters. They are excellent for transporting soup.
Ah, shit. Evidently, this was one of those presweetened kinds of Kool-Aid, meaning that there’s actual sugar in there…sugar that has spent nearly thirty years crystallizing into a substance that nobody with a reason to live should ingest. Luckily for you, I lack such a reason.
It’s…appley? Appley is the best way that I can describe Apple Kool-Aid, even in its currently sad and rancid state. I suppose that’s a bit anticlimactic, but it’s not like I can just start lying and say that it tasted like conifers mixed with froggy juice. I’m a journalist. I suspect that the “punch” of the original flavor has somewhat dissipated over the course of three decades, but I’m getting a good enough sense to know that it was indeed…appley.
Basically tastes like watered down apple juice, and since it was really no better for you than real apple juice, I think I’m missing the point of all this. I suspect that the unsweetened packets were a lot better, as you were free to customize the level of sugar. I don’t like having the sweetness of my Kool-Aid dictated to me. This isn’t Communist Russia.
I don’t think even a fresh pack of Apple Kool-Aid would make for one of my favorite flavors, but I’m still totally down with the fact that it once existed. The Halloween season connection is too much of a plus. If you doubt that, try to doubt this:
From some weird 1981 magazine, it’s a full-page Apple Kool-Aid ad that challenges Halloween fans to drink what would remain the scariest cocktail on the planet until Ghoul-Aid arrived. “Halloween Chiller” combined Apple Kool-Aid with orange juice and 7 Up. My brain cannot process what that would taste like because it’s too busy focusing on the funky parrot on that kid’s shoulder. I understand that a child in the real world might’ve settled for a battery-operated chirping parrot if he wanted to be a pirate for Halloween…I just never expected to see it voluntarily illustrated.
I was going to end this review with some kind of letter grade, but I think I’d like to reserve judgment until I try Apple Kool-Aid that wasn’t pre-sweetened thirty years ago. Look for a follow-up review sometime in the distant future.
Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. We’re doing absolutely nothing. Are you?
To blend the themes of Kool-Aid and patriotism into one harmonious hyperlink, I urge you to revisit my review of Cherry Cracker Kool-Aid.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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Well,I do love an online Brawl,but I’ve got to go to bed. I’ve been up since 7. I’ll probably have nightmares now that Pikachu has kicked my ass and shouted “Not the mama” at me.