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X-E’s ’08 Summer Megaparty: Apple Kool-Aid.

I used to review old Kool-Aid flavors all the time for the site, but I ran low on the "good ones" and wanted to save them for special occasions.

Blah, that's a lie...I guess I just haven't been in the mood to stretch a two-line flavor review into a thousand-line version. Then again, I just remembered that I have a jug of ancient Apple Kool-Aid the size of a small tank. Maybe now would be a good time to make X-E kool again. Yes, yes now would be an excellent time.


I know I'm running a Summer Megaparty, but the one thing I always appreciated about Apple Kool-Aid was its ability to move the brand into an all-out autumn zone. It was one of the few Kool-Aid flavors safe to drink during the Halloween season, and when I say "safe to drink," I don't mean it literally, but more in a "no white after Labor Day" sense. You get me.

An artifact of the very early '80s, the flavor recalls a time when the makers of Kool-Aid still clung to the idea that they could market their wares as something more than loud, neon, obnoxiously-named sugarfests. You won't find many Kool-Aid flavors so mundane and "pure" in today's market...they just don't evoke any sense of tongue-coloring sour-face trip-hop craziness. This barrel of Apple Kool-Aid is ancient, but it feels even more ancient than it actually is. It feels doubly ancient. And when Apple Kool-Aid is finally revealed as a ringer working at the behest of Hawaiian Punch Incorporated, it'll feel like a doubly ancient double agent. A term that I find almost as fun to type out as it is to say aloud in my "incredulous robot" voice.

General Foods chose to introduce Apple Kool-Aid not only with the small "packets" we all knew and loved, but also with a special canister filled with enough Apple Kool-Aid to turn a kid's sandbox into a kid's edible sandbox. This probably wasn't the best idea, as it forced consumers to roll the dice and assume that they would like Apple Kool-Aid enough to drink thirty bazillion gallons of it. If I was the Kool-Aid Man, I would've started smaller. Maybe with free sample packs in the Sunday newspaper. Or with advertorial skywriting.

Still, there's evidence of some bet-hedging: Seemingly aware of the ridiculousness of SO MUCH Apple Kool-Aid, General Foods proudly proclaimed in at least thirty spots on the label that the canister was reusable. Thus, even if you weren't completely in the market for a troth's worth of Apple Kool-Aid mix, you might've been in the market for reusable canisters. They are excellent for transporting soup.


Ah, shit. Evidently, this was one of those presweetened kinds of Kool-Aid, meaning that there's actual sugar in there...sugar that has spent nearly thirty years crystallizing into a substance that nobody with a reason to live should ingest. Luckily for you, I lack such a reason.


It's...appley? Appley is the best way that I can describe Apple Kool-Aid, even in its currently sad and rancid state. I suppose that's a bit anticlimactic, but it's not like I can just start lying and say that it tasted like conifers mixed with froggy juice. I'm a journalist. I suspect that the "punch" of the original flavor has somewhat dissipated over the course of three decades, but I'm getting a good enough sense to know that it was indeed...appley.

Basically tastes like watered down apple juice, and since it was really no better for you than real apple juice, I think I'm missing the point of all this. I suspect that the unsweetened packets were a lot better, as you were free to customize the level of sugar. I don't like having the sweetness of my Kool-Aid dictated to me. This isn't Communist Russia.

I don't think even a fresh pack of Apple Kool-Aid would make for one of my favorite flavors, but I'm still totally down with the fact that it once existed. The Halloween season connection is too much of a plus. If you doubt that, try to doubt this:


From some weird 1981 magazine, it's a full-page Apple Kool-Aid ad that challenges Halloween fans to drink what would remain the scariest cocktail on the planet until Ghoul-Aid arrived. "Halloween Chiller" combined Apple Kool-Aid with orange juice and 7 Up. My brain cannot process what that would taste like because it's too busy focusing on the funky parrot on that kid's shoulder. I understand that a child in the real world might've settled for a battery-operated chirping parrot if he wanted to be a pirate for Halloween...I just never expected to see it voluntarily illustrated.

I was going to end this review with some kind of letter grade, but I think I'd like to reserve judgment until I try Apple Kool-Aid that wasn't pre-sweetened thirty years ago. Look for a follow-up review sometime in the distant future.

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. We're doing absolutely nothing. Are you?

To blend the themes of Kool-Aid and patriotism into one harmonious hyperlink, I urge you to revisit my review of Cherry Cracker Kool-Aid.

Posted by Matt on 07/03/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 140 comments

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Perfect day for a jaws marathon! Time for beer and a swim!

long live summer, and it’s megaparty!

Chestnuts roasted by scamp @ 07/04/2008 7:47 PM


Well i’m back ! I had a BLAST too ! I went to see my family at the house of a friend of my grandmas and we did all kinds of stuff. Let me tell ya, that house is AWESOME ! It has a downstairs arcade with all kinds of video games and other things to do. It even has a few bedrooms and a fridge down there too. It’s a BIG house. When I finished eatin all the good food and swimmin, I headed downstairs and played some Wii sports, pinball machine and a pac-man arcade machine that had a bunch of different versions of pac-man on it, as well as alot of other games. Space Invaders, Galaga, DigDug etc. . Then of course we set off some COOL fireworks. Iv’e still got a bunch left and my brother is coming up and bringing some fireworks of his own and were going to set em ALL off. I gotta say I had a GREAT 4th ! =)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 07/04/2008 7:48 PM


Oh and i’m DEFINATELY up for some Brawlin if anybody else is.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 07/04/2008 7:50 PM


You too Josh! Actually, everyone is welcome. And we will top it off with a Tom Atkins movie marathon. “I need a drink…”

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 07/04/2008 7:53 PM


Chowder and Twilight Zone marathons on the same day? OH HAPPY DAY ! =D

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 07/04/2008 7:58 PM


I’m here, Twilight Zone marathon on. Went to the Native American festival with the bf, which was pretty cool. Got some feathers and a rainstick. Just chillin’ out now.

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 07/04/2008 8:37 PM


I’m about to grill some steaks, burgers and hot dogs, and later me and my brother are going up on the roof with some cold sodas to watch fireworks. And I’m still up for Brawl later! Happy Independence Day, everyone!

Chestnuts roasted by Hoverbored @ 07/04/2008 9:07 PM


Just put back some burgers and chocolate Pie, watching Capital Fourth, and about to head out to meet up with a friend for Fireworks. Should be good times.

Sorry, probably won’t be up for brawl later….getting back too late.

I did spent 30 minutes this afternoon reorganizing the NES collection, though.

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 07/04/2008 9:12 PM


I’ll Brawl ANYBODY who’s gonna be online a little later tonight. Sounds like ya’ll had nice times too. =) Good to hear.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 07/04/2008 9:15 PM


Gonna post in a little bit, then I’m ready to Brawl.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/04/2008 9:27 PM


Matt i’m about to set my bombs and explosives off in about 5 minutes. I don’t know how long it’ll take me, but it shouldn’t be more than an hour at the most.I should be back to Brawl at about 11:00 P.M Hopefully you’ll still be online cause i’m REALLY itchin for a fight tonight ! =D

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 07/04/2008 9:43 PM


Wish I could play with you guys, but I am wii-less. Something tells me I am missing out some great stuff not having a wii. I’m a 33 year old female, married, no kids, going to college, and working part-time. I want a wii. My husband would ask me why I want one, and I would have to answer, “So I can play with these people from the X-E blog”. Then he’ll say “But I thought you wanted a PS3 so you could play Rock Band”.

Right now I just play PC Games. I finally replaced my weak video card with a decent one so now I can play games made after 2001.

Tonight we listened to other people having fun. Lots of booms and blasts going on outside. There are too many trees around to see any of the fireworks. I wanted to go out to the big Houston show, but my husband didn’t feel good. I think the same thing happened last year. So we stayed home, did laundry, ate leftovers and watched a 20-year old VHS documentary on Liberace. We’re just setting the world on fire over here.

I have a friend who lives about 30 miles out of town where fireworks are legal. I asked him if he was going to light some up but he said he’s too broke to buy any.

Just a lame ass night any way you slice it.

I hope some of you got to have fun tonight.

I want a wii.

Chestnuts roasted by Hope @ 07/05/2008 1:36 AM


When I was in 7th grade, some friends of mine and I went through a phase where we filled up empty Bubble Tape containers with pre-sweetened Kool Aid powder and ate it like candy…good stuff.

Chestnuts roasted by Teddy Ray @ 07/05/2008 12:10 PM


Arright, you should def. resume kool-aid reviews. I used to check all the time to see if you had written new articles.

Chestnuts roasted by Andrew @ 07/07/2008 11:10 PM


Matt, I’m kind of hoping you might consider doing a YouTube video of that incredulous robot voice…. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Wolf Nibori @ 07/10/2008 4:14 AM


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