It’s Friday the 13th! It’s ten thousand degrees out, but it’s still Friday the 13th! Though the collective attention of everyone seems to be focused on that The Happening movie, I dare declare that M. Night Shablahblahyaha’s FIRST R-RATED MOVIE, FIRST R-RATED MOVIE EVER, HOLY FLAMING TABLES, FIRST R-RATED MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN, IT’S M. NIGHT’S FIRST FORAY INTO R-RATED MOTION PICTURE MAKING, IT’S
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S FIRST R-RATED MOVIE
Ah fuck that and fuck M. Night Shyamalan. Friday the 13th will always belong to Jason Voorhees. Camp Crystal Lake’s number one son isn’t one for abject chatting, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he broke his silence with a bloody, obscenity-laced tirade about how the world completely neglected to kiss his feet on this, his most holy day. Seriously, I just went through the TV listings, and there isn’t a single F13 movie being played on any channel tonight. Not even a shitty channel. I could watch seventy-four episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, but no Jason. On Friday the God Damned 13th. Criminal. Criminal, cock-like behavior from those responsible.
In lieu of watching Jason tear apart happy campers, I provide consolation in the form of a Matchbox car with a thirty-seven foot Jason Voorhees attacking it.
From Matchbox’s 1999 Character Car Collection, it’s the Friday the 13th…uh, character car. Basically, Matchbox took a varied and surprising bunch of movies (everything from A Nightmare On Elm Street to The Mask), and celebrated them with movie-themed Matchbox cars topped with movie-themed PVC-style figurines. And thus we now know the definitive halfway point between stupid and awesome.
The results were largely ridiculous, but on a night when I can’t even persuade AMC to show me the cut-down version of the famous scene from F13 Part V where the Michael Jackson knockoff sings a duet with his girlfriend while shitting in an outhouse, I’ll take what I can get.
The toy provides an unintended montage of Jason’s many movies. The package photo depicts him as he was seen in Jason Goes To Hell, but the figure shown above was clearly inspired by Jason’s appearance in Friday the 13th: Part 3. I understand that this is of little consequence to you, but I didn’t feel right not pointing it out. Furthering the issue is the fact that a Part 3 Jason is shown attacking a “Camp Counselor” truck, even though there were no counselors in that movie. Okay, now I’m just being a brat.
Posted by Brat @ 12:08 pm [666 Comments]
I was saddened to find out that Jason is permanently attached to the Matchbox car, but I suppose it’s for the best considering that he wasn’t constructed to stand upright without it. All told, I’m kind of glad to own this thing, though I’m not sure why I do or how it even got into my office. Maybe I’m just blocking out the memory of paying 15 bucks on eBay to have a forty-cent Matchbox car mailed to me via USPS Priority Mail.
Happy Friday the 13th. Pop in the DVDs if you have ‘em. Check out X-E’s old-to-older collection of Jason-related articles with the conveniently underlined links below:
I wish it was 40 degrees. I just gave the sun the finger.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
Oh Josh, that’s just me trying to scare you!