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The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch.

I was having trouble shaking off the stress of the week that was and the week that's coming, and considering that I've got a day off on Monday, measures had to be taken. I admit to having the kind of brain that prefers darting towards every conceivable thought of panic, and though I can think of a few times when this is sort of advantageous, Memorial Day weekend is not fucking one of them.

Coping devices come in all shapes and sizes -- some are healthy, many are unhealthy, and most seem necessary at the time that they're activated. I've tested out hundreds of coping devices during my many years spent on Earth, running the gamut from the innocuous to the illegal. To this day, nothing has worked quite as well as a sanctuary from stress as...


THE GIANT BLANKET / PORTABLE HEATER-FAN COMBO PUNCH!!!

Oh you know it, baby. Straight up. The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch refers to my lifelong sweetest escape. Ever since childhood, I reveled in any opportunity to hide myself in a voluminous blanket, leaving only enough room for a plug-in heater-fan to share in my big cloth fort. Sufficiently cut off from society at large, time seems to stop in there. Problems cease to exist, and the only thing I really have to worry about is whether it's the kind of night that calls for the heater-fan to heat me or fan me. Usually, I flip between the two settings before finally drifting off into unconsciousness.

It works every time, and it works in a different way than a plain old nap would. When life kicks your ass so hard that your only defense is sleeping, you might head to the couch or bed to do just that. But it won't be a happy process. You'll eventually fall asleep, yes, but you'll do so with nothing but bad thoughts in your head, likely to influence your dreams and rob you of your crazy God-given right to dream about flying and winning money and getting a pet mogwai.

Naps have their place in the world, but when a situation is a few notches beyond the norm, there is only one answer: The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch. I strongly recommend it. If you want to solidify the nigh-guarantee that this will solve every issue you're facing, take a pack of Twizzler Nibs under there with you.

I guess I can't call this an SNT when it's being posted after 3 AM, but, uh, happy Saturday?

Posted by Matt on 05/25/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 590 comments
1 … 9 10 11 12 13 … 24

Iv’e always thought galactus looked pretty funny.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/30/2008 3:30 AM

TGIF! :)

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 7:49 AM

If loving the weiner dog is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

I plan on getting some of that hot, hairy weiner action all weekend. She’s my blanket AND my heater fan. She brings all her equipment on the bus. Weiners gone wild.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. Back It On Up @ 05/30/2008 8:47 AM

this has nothing to do with warmth, blankets, fans or heaters…But in case you didn’t already know Matt, there are 3 new flavors of Mt. Dew out, and they all taste like carbonated Kool-Aid, and 2 of them are blue. (we all know how you like blue stuff). If you havn’t tried it already, you need to. go out and do it now. pronto. arriba!

-dubbs.

(DJD) (whispers) i liked batman and robin…(/whispers)

Chestnuts roasted by emmdubbs @ 05/30/2008 10:44 AM

(whispers) i liked batman and robin(/whispers)

Ok, who let emmdubbs in here? Just keep that nonsense away from me…(*grumble, grumble…nutjob…grumble, grumble*)

Oh, and I don’t think anyone answered this before, but where can I find all these funky flavors/colors of sodas you guys are getting? I haven’t seen anything at Wal-Mart or anything lately.

On the topic of blankets and comfort and everything, I have this really soft blanket that’s really tacky and has pictures of wolves on it and I love it. I tend to like to keep the house kind of cold, and I like bundle up in that blanket and maybe one or two others to warm up. Even when it’s summer time and the house is hot, I like to turn on this little box fan I have to intentionally get myself as cold as possible so I can cocoon myself up in that blanket. It’s all about trying to get this strange comfort zone that involves the right setting on the fan, socks or no socks, feet sticking out from the blanket or not….it’s a whole production.

Chestnuts roasted by DJ D @ 05/30/2008 11:03 AM

Loins, sausages, and weiners…oh my!

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 11:09 AM

DJD I love bundling up too! I always try to keep everything as cool as possible so I can bundle up with my blankets. I turned 2 fans on last night, got my big warm blanket, and slept like a baby!

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 11:15 AM

I prefer Batman and Robin over Batman Forever.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 05/30/2008 11:47 AM

DJD – I get mine from Wilson Farms, a mini mart of sorts in Buf. NY. Most major grocers should have them, I checked wallie world and tarje. and lo and behold…nothing of the sort.

JlaJrc – All the Batman movies are great in one form or another, and i’m sure we can all agree that the Batman Franchise (old and new) blows the marvel franchise out of the water.

Chestnuts roasted by emmdubbs @ 05/30/2008 11:51 AM

The Burton movies will always be my favourite Batman movies because I just love the dark, twisted cartoony humour. I grew up on those movies and I’ve seen them a million times, but I still never get sick of them. All the characters were so well cast too.

The new movie was really cool but it definitely had a different feel than the others… I almost wish it was an entirely different franchise so I could appreciate it more. There was always that little nagging voice in the back of my mind…… “Where the fuck is Michael Keaton?”

That blanket/heater combo punch looks like pure coziness… I’m jealous! I went on a camping trip in southeast Ontario last week and it was hovering around 10 degrees the whole time, I was dying of cold. Luckily I was cycling for most of the day and kept somewhat warm that way. Aaand…. on the last night we stayed at a campsite with a “comfort station” so I threw all my clothes in the dryer to make them warm.

Chestnuts roasted by Jinsky @ 05/30/2008 1:19 PM

I’ve seen the new Mountain Dews. Yet somehow I didn’t buy any yet because I was too soda-popped out. They’ve also got a kind of pastel color theme that didn’t really make me too thirsty either.

Chestnuts roasted by Zharicant @ 05/30/2008 1:27 PM

I liked Ang Lee’s Hulk, DAMMIT!
I really enjoyed it. I liked that the Hulk was a huge softie. I thought the casting was excellent… So, since I liked the last Hulk, I worry that this NEW Hulk will just be GARBAGE. I dunno, that’s just me, tho.

PS- I hear there was something special at the end of the Iron Man Movie that I didn’t get to see. Is there a YouTube vid of it?

Chestnuts roasted by kittymao @ 05/30/2008 2:16 PM

Kittymao click my name for the video, the quality is crap but you can still sort of make it out.

Chestnuts roasted by Dan @ 05/30/2008 2:32 PM

I kinda disagree with you EMMDUBBS. I think at this point Marvel is kicking butt in the movie department. I love the first two Spidey, X-Men, Blade, Iron Man, and the Daredevil Directors Cut. I find Punisher, Ghost Rider, and Hulk watchable, if not excellent. Even the direct to DVD things they’ve been doing aren’t bad. The only outright stinkers to me are Elektra and Man-Thing.

Anyway, I just tried the Mountain Dew “Revolution” flavor. It’s alright, but nothing special. I still prefer “Voltage” at the moment. Revolution is another one of those mysterious “berry” flavors, yet you can’t quite pick out what berry it is. My guess would be blueberry, but it’s very mild.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 05/30/2008 2:57 PM

The tim burton batmans are great. As well as Batman begins. The other ones though… no. I would only watch them to riff on them ala MST3K. Overall Marvel is MUCH better in the movie department.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/30/2008 3:24 PM

I think we all loin’d something today, but darned if I know what.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/30/2008 4:25 PM

Well, I ate my leftover egg roll when I came into work today, and just got back from the Chinese place where I got the exact same lunch as yesterday, so it looks like I’ve got another roll in my future, as well as sausages in the freezer. I just can’t enough of it.

For the record, I loved the first 2 X-Men movies, the first 2 Blades, Iron Man and the first 2 Spideys. I even thought Elektra was OK. HATED Daredevil though, and Fantastic Four 2 was better than the first, although I had a lot of complaints with the first one anyway. Funny how all of our opinions are so varied on all this. One thing’s for certain though…

We’re all hot for the burning loins!

Chestnuts roasted by DJ D @ 05/30/2008 5:33 PM

I’m going to start a band and name it Leftover Egg Roll.

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 5:38 PM

You know there’s a joke just waiting there involving sausages in the freezer and shrinkage but I’m just gonna leave it alone.
Oh and DC I’d pay to see a band called Leftover Egg Roll.

Chestnuts roasted by Dan @ 05/30/2008 6:11 PM

Dan But the burning loins would melt the sausage in no time.

New Goal: Start band called Leftover Egg Roll

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 6:18 PM

By the way, Sausages in the Freezer will be opening for Leftover Egg Rool.

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 6:23 PM

*roll

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 6:24 PM

DC: leftover egg rool is the best band name ever

Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 05/30/2008 6:36 PM

I can’t play any real instruments or sing, but I can tap a mean cow bell! Leftover Egg Roll is on it’s way!!

Chestnuts roasted by DC @ 05/30/2008 6:50 PM

Hey Matt, have you seen the three new Mt. Dew flavors in stores? (http://www.dewmocracy.com/) I’m trying Supernova right now and it reminds me a bit of Pitch Black II in flavor. It’s not supposed to be grape-flavored, but something about it seems similar to me.

Chestnuts roasted by Presto @ 05/30/2008 6:53 PM

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