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The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch.

I was having trouble shaking off the stress of the week that was and the week that's coming, and considering that I've got a day off on Monday, measures had to be taken. I admit to having the kind of brain that prefers darting towards every conceivable thought of panic, and though I can think of a few times when this is sort of advantageous, Memorial Day weekend is not fucking one of them.

Coping devices come in all shapes and sizes -- some are healthy, many are unhealthy, and most seem necessary at the time that they're activated. I've tested out hundreds of coping devices during my many years spent on Earth, running the gamut from the innocuous to the illegal. To this day, nothing has worked quite as well as a sanctuary from stress as...


THE GIANT BLANKET / PORTABLE HEATER-FAN COMBO PUNCH!!!

Oh you know it, baby. Straight up. The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch refers to my lifelong sweetest escape. Ever since childhood, I reveled in any opportunity to hide myself in a voluminous blanket, leaving only enough room for a plug-in heater-fan to share in my big cloth fort. Sufficiently cut off from society at large, time seems to stop in there. Problems cease to exist, and the only thing I really have to worry about is whether it's the kind of night that calls for the heater-fan to heat me or fan me. Usually, I flip between the two settings before finally drifting off into unconsciousness.

It works every time, and it works in a different way than a plain old nap would. When life kicks your ass so hard that your only defense is sleeping, you might head to the couch or bed to do just that. But it won't be a happy process. You'll eventually fall asleep, yes, but you'll do so with nothing but bad thoughts in your head, likely to influence your dreams and rob you of your crazy God-given right to dream about flying and winning money and getting a pet mogwai.

Naps have their place in the world, but when a situation is a few notches beyond the norm, there is only one answer: The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch. I strongly recommend it. If you want to solidify the nigh-guarantee that this will solve every issue you're facing, take a pack of Twizzler Nibs under there with you.

I guess I can't call this an SNT when it's being posted after 3 AM, but, uh, happy Saturday?

Posted by Matt on 05/25/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 590 comments
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Sorry, I meant a blue Raspberry 7-Up.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 05/29/2008 4:04 PM

Kittymao. You just made me miss Rubio’s in San Diego. I think I would punch my grandmother for Rubio’s fish tacos and a beer right now. Ok, maybe not punch but definitely hide her medication for a few hours.

Chestnuts roasted by bill @ 05/29/2008 4:40 PM

JLAJRC thanks for the info. They have them in 12 packs 4 for $10 at the store next to me but I’ve been hesitant to buy them in case they suck

Chestnuts roasted by Dan @ 05/29/2008 4:44 PM

“mm, and some Fish Tacos on the side…”

Ew.

Man, where are you guys finding all these cool soda flavors? I haven’t seen anything like that around here. I need to go on a hunt for some of this stuff soon. Sounds good.

And it was Chinese chicken and vegetables, by the way. But I did get an egg roll. I big, tightly rolled, stiff egg roll. And I’m sure there’s some pork in it. Make of it what you will.

Chestnuts roasted by DJ D @ 05/29/2008 4:44 PM

Poor bill‘s grandma…”Billy? Have you seen my pills? My rheumatism’s actin’ up again! I got the ’tism, and I need my pills!”

Chestnuts roasted by DJ D @ 05/29/2008 4:47 PM

Just rub some of that ‘tussin on it for your ’tism.

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 05/29/2008 4:59 PM

DJ D, now you are being a filthy about your egg roll. When I got filthy with gravy, somebody told me to relax, AND I THINK IT WAS YOU.

But I can see where you’re coming from. Egg rolls are provocative. But even I didn’t want to touch that fish taco.

I have a weiner dog. If anyone is fixated on the old danger shape, it is a woman with a throbbing weiner dog waiting at home for her.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. Back It On Up @ 05/29/2008 5:02 PM

Speakin of pills, my grandma has MORE than enough to start her own pharmacy. I’m NOT kidding ! lol.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/29/2008 5:06 PM

Bad Santa was AMAZING. American Godzilla was one of the worst things I have ever seen. As a comic geek I am a HUGE fan of Batman Begins, but to be honest I think Iron Man is the best comic book movie to date. I know it is the NKOTB but it is so true to the character that I think it will be hard to beat.

And finally, no Skrulls, no Avengers movie.

And for all you Marvel fans out there, isn’t it about time they made a movie that incorporated Galactus (for real, not as a cloud like in FF2)? We can hope for it in the Silver Surfer movie…

Chestnuts roasted by drew do @ 05/29/2008 5:40 PM

My most disappointing movie ever was the Ang Lee Hulk. I would say American Godzilla,but come on,you knew that was going to suck so it isn’t really a “disappointment.”
X-Men 3 I actually really liked. It had cool action and stuff. People bitching because “I’m a comic book fan and they messed it all up”,makes no sense to me. If you are a comic book fan,then you know X-Men comics and Marvel in general have been pretty shitty since…..I forget,it’s been so long. Early 90′s?
Same thing with Spider-Man 3. It involved Venom,so it wasn’t going to be some great epic plot. Instead we got a hillarious camp classic,which I really liked.

Chestnuts roasted by Anonymous @ 05/29/2008 5:49 PM

Whoops,that last post wasn’t by “anonymous” it was by me,Kid Nicky.

Chestnuts roasted by Kid Nicky @ 05/29/2008 5:50 PM

Although I don’t like everything Marvel I got to disagree with Marvel being crappy. Now DC on the other hand.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/29/2008 6:17 PM

indeed I agree. DC has had nowhere to go for years. the X-men books have actually been great for the last couple of years ie: messiah complex and anything in Astonishing X-Men (but to be fair Joss Whedon is a god). Plus they have other GREAT titles like Moon Knight.

X3 did have some great action, your point is well taken. Unfortunately we were left at the end of X2 thinking the Dark Phoenix Saga was coming next. What they did in X3 was terrible. They took established characters and stories and threw them out the window (Angel, Beast, Juggernaut).

Now if you look at the films as camp, then yes they were VERY funny…

Chestnuts roasted by drew do @ 05/29/2008 6:35 PM

What they need to do is make an X-men movie with Apocalypse. I know I already said that, but I just think that he would be an AWESOME character to include. He’s my fav marvel character ever. I first became a fan of him when I saw him in the 90′s X-men cartoon on Fox. Talk about awesome dialouge and a cool voice. =D He doesn’t have to be in an X-men movie, just a marvel movie . =)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/29/2008 7:12 PM

I wish I had Grandma’s cookies…and some southwest eggrolls from Chili’s…

Was greatly disappointed in Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, Superman Returns, and Ang Lee’s Hulk…

Chestnuts roasted by Teddy Ray @ 05/29/2008 7:53 PM

Now here is an idea, though it would never happen, an Age of Apocalypse X-Men movie. Any kid who was a comic fan in the 90′s would die to see that.

Superman Returns had so much potential. Now THAT was a true bastardization of an excellent character. Ang Lee’s Hulk was pretty bad but I did like both Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross and Sam Elliott as Thunderbolt Ross. The CGI was terrible though.

Chestnuts roasted by drew do @ 05/29/2008 8:20 PM

An age of Apocalypse movie would be cool, AS LONG as they change the ending to be different from the comics ending. The ending to the age of Apocalypse comics was AWFUL ! And that’s putting it lightly.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/29/2008 8:39 PM

Every time I see someone complain that X3 should have adapted the Dark Phoenix story from the comics,I have to wonder: When was the last time you read that story? I would have no idea how to make that into a two hour movie,nor how to make the space stuff into something the audience wouldn’t relentlessly mock.

Chestnuts roasted by Kid Nicky @ 05/29/2008 9:23 PM

Ultraman, I agree the ending would need to be changed. Besides there would be virtually no way to incorporate it all into one movie. You referred to Apocalypse’s voice in the old cartoon. The right voice would make or break the character for me (No idea who would to it though).

Kid Nicky, I also agree with you. I just think it was a mistake to introduce the concept in the first place. I know many comic fans that would rather they left it out completely than use it as a gimmick to sell the movie.

Chestnuts roasted by drew do @ 05/29/2008 9:50 PM

Apocalypse in the old x-men cartoon had an AWESOME voice ! And his dialouge was just so COOL ! He spoke in such a grand and epic way that I couldn’t help but be sucked in whenever he appeared on the show. I’m a BIG Apocalypse fanboy incase you didn’t figure it out. LOL !

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/29/2008 10:12 PM

Hey all.

Glad the survey question caught on a little. I’ve been living in the land of naps and grocery store visits. Seriously, having a kid is like a massive trip to the store. I’ve been like 9 times. Anyhoo, awaiting the next awesome entry, largely so I can read the next big blog question. Maybe I’ll update the blog. Once I’m done with laundry.

Chestnuts roasted by Terror Claws @ 05/29/2008 10:21 PM

Hang in there TC. =)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/29/2008 10:39 PM

Hey Matt, not sure if anyone told you, but there are 3 new Mountain Dew flavors out!

Chestnuts roasted by Cat the Vampire Slayer @ 05/29/2008 11:24 PM

It sounds like DJ D is going to get a good porkin’

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 05/30/2008 2:44 AM

drew do, I’m with you, man. Galactus was kind of a disappointment in FF2. Forget Apocalypse, I wanna see Galactus in all his huge glory walking around New York, all Stay Puft like.

Teddy Ray, Who did actually like Batman and Robin? That was one of two times when I came very close to literally getting up and walking out in the middle of the movie because it was so bad. The second time was with Catwoman. The thing I’m the most geekiest about in this world is anything to do with Batman, so I loved Batman Begins, if anything, because it was another good Batman movie for once. I’m super jazzed about The Dark Knight. It’s the one movie I want to see more than any other movie this year. I was saying that last year about Transformers, but ended up being really disappointed by that, so I hope this doesn’t let me down. I really don’t think it will though. It looks amazing. Christian Bale will never be my first choice for Batman, but it’s a solid Batman movie with what looks to be an amazing version of The Joker, so that’s all I need.

Rev. Back It On Up, Ok, I’ll let you slide on the gravy thing, especially since I’ve spent the last 2 days talking about my loins, sausages, and stiff, tight rolls…But, hey, I’m not the one getting all wet over a “throbbing weiner dog.” I mean, that ain’t right.

It just ain’t right.

Chestnuts roasted by DJ D @ 05/30/2008 3:10 AM

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