I was having trouble shaking off the stress of the week that was and the week that’s coming, and considering that I’ve got a day off on Monday, measures had to be taken. I admit to having the kind of brain that prefers darting towards every conceivable thought of panic, and though I can think of a few times when this is sort of advantageous, Memorial Day weekend is not fucking one of them.
Coping devices come in all shapes and sizes — some are healthy, many are unhealthy, and most seem necessary at the time that they’re activated. I’ve tested out hundreds of coping devices during my many years spent on Earth, running the gamut from the innocuous to the illegal. To this day, nothing has worked quite as well as a sanctuary from stress as…
Oh you know it, baby. Straight up. The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch refers to my lifelong sweetest escape. Ever since childhood, I reveled in any opportunity to hide myself in a voluminous blanket, leaving only enough room for a plug-in heater-fan to share in my big cloth fort. Sufficiently cut off from society at large, time seems to stop in there. Problems cease to exist, and the only thing I really have to worry about is whether it’s the kind of night that calls for the heater-fan to heat me or fan me. Usually, I flip between the two settings before finally drifting off into unconsciousness.
It works every time, and it works in a different way than a plain old nap would. When life kicks your ass so hard that your only defense is sleeping, you might head to the couch or bed to do just that. But it won’t be a happy process. You’ll eventually fall asleep, yes, but you’ll do so with nothing but bad thoughts in your head, likely to influence your dreams and rob you of your crazy God-given right to dream about flying and winning money and getting a pet mogwai.
Naps have their place in the world, but when a situation is a few notches beyond the norm, there is only one answer: The Giant Blanket / Portable Heater-Fan Combo Punch. I strongly recommend it. If you want to solidify the nigh-guarantee that this will solve every issue you’re facing, take a pack of Twizzler Nibs under there with you.
I guess I can’t call this an SNT when it’s being posted after 3 AM, but, uh, happy Saturday?
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
So my only plans this weekend are to keep looking for a job. 
Hurrah