I made a slight tweak to the blog’s usual #FFFFFF white background, opting for something slightly offfff-white…which in the past twelve hours has been compared to everything from coffee stains to gross old paper. I don’t know, I kinda like it. It’s a little less eye-draining, and a little more like delicious angel food cake.

Besides, I tend to get motivated by new car smell even when it’s virtual, and if a web background that looks like stale cake will help me write more often, it’s worth keeping.

I’ve written about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal a bazillion times, most notably here and here, and while I probably haven’t hit the unspoken statute of limitations on writing about it again, I’m going to break the law: Edible mutagen cannot wait another six months.

If you can’t tell what’s going on in the picture above, that’s the back of a TMNT Cereal box from 1991, promoting one of the most awesome cereal premiums I’ve ever encountered. Instead of tossing some lame ten-cent toy or sticker in the box, Ralston saw fit to deliver us the unbridled awesomeness that was…edible mutagen. Or as it was officially known, “Honey Ooze.” The text blurb on the box confirmed that it was just like real mutagen, but quickly contradicted itself with notes on how it was made with real honey and suitable for spreading on food items. I’m not sure how that’s “just like” real mutagen, but I’m willing to roll with the illusion, because holy fuck…edible mutagen!

Side note: I’ve seen many excellent cereal box-backs in my day, but this one probably takes the X-Entertainment blog background color. Man, that’s great. I’m tempted to cut it out and frame it, and the only reason that I haven’t done so already is because I’m still debating whether I should drag the box to Kinko’s and have it blown up to standard poster-size first. Everything about it is perfect. From the random Playmates action figures littering the breakfast table, to the idea that Raphael would draw himself in Honey Ooze, no other cereal box-back has ever made me this happy.

Honey Ooze arrived in standard-sized condiment packets, with a neat font and graphical touches which reminded us that what we were about to eat could’ve turned us into humanoid dogs or cats. Since it’s a few years shy of two decades old, the once gel-like green substance has transmogrified into a thick, black, crispy sludge that I am absolutely not going to eat for the sake of your entertainment.

Since it’s quite likely that I own the last intact Honey Ooze packet in the whole universe, I can’t bring myself to open it. I’m sure you understand. When all else fails and my specialness fades, I’ll still have that. I’ll still be the only person on the planet with a sealed pack of edible mutagen.

Did I mention that I was quoted on the DVD box for Ghoulies IV? Okay, I did. I’ll still have that, too. Ghoulies IV, and a packet of old honey.

And a blog background color that looks like angel food cake.

And Mountain Dew Pitch Black lip balm.

I should hold off on writing about this until X-E’s next Halloween season, but for all I know, I’ll be dead by then. I’d like to believe that I’ll figure out some way to write about Mountain Dew Pitch Black at least once per Halloween season for the next fifty years, but the truth is, the well is running dry. Outside of buying a bunch of cutup cans shaped like an airplane from an artist/farmer on eBay, there isn’t much left to Pitch Black’s story…besides this lip balm, also available on eBay.

It’s a few years old, but does lip balm ever truly go bad? Not in my world. Not when saying “yes” means that I can never press the sweet, jellied nectar of Mountain Dew Pitch Black to my cold-cracked lips. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a bunch of these available at any given time on eBay, in a variety of container shapes, from regular tubes to the terrific can shown above.

I can’t say with any certainty that it tastes exactly like the soda did, which isn’t so much a knock on the product as it is an admission that I’m no good at figuring out if lip balm tastes exactly like certain sodas. It’s grapey and purple, I’ll tell ya that. Considering Pitch Black’s limited edition status, it’s a miracle that we got anything like this, and a total waste of a miracle if you don’t do your best to track down a tub of it before they all disappear.

If you need more motivation, check out X-E’s collection of Mountain Dew Pitch Black coverage: Mountain Dew Pitch Black – Mountain Dew Pitch Black II – Mountain Dew Pitch Black ICEE.

In closing, I was quoted on the Ghoulies IV DVD box.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!