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Cracker Victory.

It's impossible to know for sure, but I have to assume that I've eaten at least fourteen million saltine crackers over the course of my many years spent on your fair planet.

Tastiness and soup condimentiness aside, my voracity for saltine crackers had less to do with palatability and more to do with achieving a goal set long ago, when I was just a wee little boy without a hair on my knuckle. It's a goal that I've continually striven for and met constant failure with for over two decades, but last night, finally, I fucking did it:


I managed to eat the entire top layer off of a saltine cracker without breaking the bottom layer.

Immediately realizing this as a personal milestone worthy of archiving, I grabbed the camera and had myself a big yo-ho holy Kodak moment. I've come close to doing this before, but I never actually did it. There would always be some irremovable portion of the top layer that refused to allow me the gold ribbon, or worse, I'd manage to get the top layer completely off only to watch the remaining bottom layer instantaneously crumble under the pressure of being a solo act.

But not this time. This time, I did it.

I managed to eat the entire top layer off of a saltine cracker without breaking the bottom layer.

Now, when the Reaper comes, I can take his hand with readiness and ease. In this world if not the next, my work is done.

Posted by Matt on 04/23/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 384 comments

*YAWN* I just got up, slept in today. Hope y’all are doin good. =)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/03/2008 2:19 PM

Am I the only one here that’s old enough to recognize that the mom in the Meatloaf commercial is TIFFANY?

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 05/03/2008 2:23 PM

That is the greatest commercial I have (or ever will) see. If you’re gonna sell out, that’s the way to do it.

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 05/03/2008 2:26 PM

I know, totally. It just makes me sad that someone a few years older than me is Meatloaf’s wifey. He’s like a hundred.

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 05/03/2008 2:40 PM

MaryJane you are very observant! How random is that? I can’t believe I missed that…

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/03/2008 2:45 PM

MaryJane: Don’t be sad, i’m sure your beautiful .=)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/03/2008 2:50 PM

It IS so very random! She just walks in to the garage with that giant piece of leg meat, sings a few lines, and she is gone…much like her career.

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 05/03/2008 2:53 PM

Phunq – wow – very cool to get it and yet never own SMB. Want strange? I received the SNES for Xmas one year! YES – 2 Nintendo kids (my brother and I) finally got the SNES…with two contollers! And…no game. NO game. We were shocked. They fucked up. (Then, they had panicked on Xmas Eve, ran out, and brought back…Super Adventure Island. ) That’s how I spent Xmas that year, the only kid with an SNES….and mastering Super Adventure Island.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 05/03/2008 2:58 PM

Muppet Baby: How could they forget to get a game ? LOL.

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/03/2008 3:05 PM

I am full of tequila.

However, I just read phunqsauce’s ointment comment and I almost fell off my couch. Phunqsauce, when you finally are old enough for ointment, I wish you all the ointment your little heart desires. Whatever brings you slack. Praise “Bob”.

I am still full of tequila. So far it has been a pretty good saturday in the Bronx.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. BackItOnUp @ 05/03/2008 3:48 PM

Muppet Baby – That is truly a sad story…I dunno if Super Adventure Island was any good but I thought about if I hadn’t gotten those two games seperately and yet got that players guide full of games I couldn’t play. It would be like torture to a 6 year old Phunqsauce!
Rev. – You are full of Tequila….which brand? I am soon to be full of beer and other various liquids n concoctions n stuff hopefully…

Well if anyone’s bored you can hit me up on AIM. Screen name: phunqsauce

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/03/2008 4:30 PM

Dan, no, no the other Dan…unless Matt implements the log in feature from WordPress and Impostercide plugin for duplicate namings, can I suggest the name “Col. Dan Masterforce Fluffingtonly-Snowball, Jnr III”? Seriously, man, it just gives off an aura of breeding, military tradition and yet still stays approachable and caring.

Phunq, I hope they were at least interesting pants…and like UK pants, not silly US trousers that leads to much hilarity when we have miscommunication.

Oh, the fun we have with words like “pants”, “fanny-pack” (*giggle*) and the name “Randy”.

Kippers in a can?! I’ve had them from frozen pack and fresh from a fishmonger, but not canned. The only valid reason for ever consuming kippers is solely to be able to quote Ace Rimmer in the request to “Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast”. That or if you desperately want to choke to death on tiny bones.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 05/03/2008 4:31 PM

I don’t know what it’s like where y’all live but where I live it’s a beautiful day out. I think i’ll go for a walk. =)

Chestnuts roasted by ULTRAMAN @ 05/03/2008 4:41 PM

Guise:

I learned that “fanny-pack” was amusing in the UK by watching the Office. Big Keith for the win.

What’s funny about pants though?

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 05/03/2008 4:52 PM

Went to Wal-Mart today and got vanilla yogurt creme filled hershey kisses. Really yummy and somehow taste like cheesecake. I also want to buy some Tostito’s brand creamy salsa. Its brand new apparently.

I love that Meat-loaf go phone commercial!!!!

I own the Bat out of Hell album on Vinyl, Cassette, CD and….8-TRACK woooo. have most of his stuff on casette and CD. Like copies of each. Yes Yes, loves me some meat loaf. I even have a meat loaf christmas ball ornament.

A friend met him once and said how awesome he is. This friend also went to the VH-1 storytellers taping of Meatloaf.

Happy SNT

Chestnuts roasted by mandy_Reeves @ 05/03/2008 5:16 PM

MJ, in the US pants are often meant as trousers, whereas in the UK they are the underwear. Now think that anytime you refer to your pants or how much you like someones elses pants, that it’s open to a raised eyebrow.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 05/03/2008 5:30 PM

Kinda like how being “pissed” in America means being angry but in the UK it means being drunk. I will surely be “pissed” later on :D

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/03/2008 5:36 PM

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 05/03/2008 5:48 PM

Depends if you add “off” after, where it holds the same. But we’re getting the hang of using it for both, ‘s all about the context. But as wll as getting “pissed off” we go “on the piss”, when we go drinking, we “take the piss” when we mock someone or when we’re laid back, we’re just “pissing about”.

On a par with pants is ‘chips’, where are chips are thick wedges of potato and yours are crisps.

Oh, and the confusion that coriander and cilantro are the same blasted herb.

I’m still lost on what the heck you guys do with biscuits with gravy?!

“Public schools” here are private schools. Yeah, I know.

If you are working in the UK, don’t go for a pee in the restroom, as it’s the place where people take a break from work, you should be looking for gents or ladies toilets.

Hm, this could go on all day…

My favourite expressions that used to get questioning looks from Americans were always “can I bum a fag off you?” or anything to do with eating “boiled faggots in gravy”, seriously they’d stare at you like you’d grown an extra head.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 05/03/2008 6:01 PM

After eighteen long years, the Gremlins finally return. In a British TV commercial, but I’ll take what I can get.

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 05/03/2008 6:23 PM

Oh, and the confusion that coriander and cilantro are the same blasted herb.

i didnt know that.

I’m still lost on what the heck you guys do with biscuits with gravy?!

you mean because to you a biscuit is a cookie? either way i think it’s a gross food.

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 05/03/2008 6:47 PM

Mars: That was awesome! Loved the obligatory Gremlin swingin’ on the ceiling fan!

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/03/2008 7:11 PM

Official SNT up by 9.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/03/2008 7:15 PM

To that Matt I give a healthy “FUCK YES!”

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/03/2008 7:22 PM

Sorry to be away for so long. For some reason AOL wouldn’t let me post a comment the last couple weeks or so. On the subject of video games, I’ve been playing Kid Icarus on the virtual console.(Anyone remember that?) I hadn’t played it in a couple of weeks ’cause it was too hard, but I tried it again with the help of an online strategy guide. I also recently purchased Startropics(both games were for NES). If anyone is interested in the virtual console, there’s a website with a complete list of reviews for virtual console games. I’ll post the address upon request.

Chestnuts roasted by Hoverbored @ 05/03/2008 7:49 PM

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