It's impossible to know for sure, but I have to assume that I've eaten at least fourteen million saltine crackers over the course of my many years spent on your fair planet.

Tastiness and soup condimentiness aside, my voracity for saltine crackers had less to do with palatability and more to do with achieving a goal set long ago, when I was just a wee little boy without a hair on my knuckle. It's a goal that I've continually striven for and met constant failure with for over two decades, but last night, finally, I fucking did it:

Immediately realizing this as a personal milestone worthy of archiving, I grabbed the camera and had myself a big yo-ho holy Kodak moment. I've come close to doing this before, but I never actually did it. There would always be some irremovable portion of the top layer that refused to allow me the gold ribbon, or worse, I'd manage to get the top layer completely off only to watch the remaining bottom layer instantaneously crumble under the pressure of being a solo act.

But not this time. This time, I did it.

I managed to eat the entire top layer off of a saltine cracker without breaking the bottom layer.

Now, when the Reaper comes, I can take his hand with readiness and ease. In this world if not the next, my work is done.