It’s gorgeous out. Sitting inside to write about toys I bought a week ago probably isn’t the best way to take advantage of this, but the joke’s on you: I snapped the pictures for this entry outside.

It’s time to recap the best of the rest from my $100 Toys “R” Us shopping spree, but first, some filler thoughts on the TOY INDUSTRY. It’s no secret that all-toy chains like TRU have had trouble staying afloat in recent years, and it’s easy to see why. They have oodles and oodles of floor space, and yet, I can’t say with much certainty that they carry more “good” toys than any Wal-Mart or Target does — and those stores barely need the scant few aisles worth of playthings to survive.

We complain that Toys “R” Us isn’t the same as it used to be. Well, that’s kind of by necessity. They sell what sells, and if you’ve gotta peddle ten thousand baby strollers to keep out of the red, who can blame you? It’s not the store that’s changed…it’s the industry. That there are still stores as large as TRU dedicated primarily to toys seems miraculous, and I can’t help but feel that it won’t be too many years before that particular concept goes the way of the dodo, or if you’re looking for a more thematically tied analogy, the way of Tacky Stretchoid Warriors.

By and large, today’s kids are far more into video games and electrogizmos than dolls made out of plastic, and they have every right to be. Today’s action figures are pretty much the same action figures that I cried for when I was in the womb, but anything that runs on batteries or plug power has evolved in extreme ways. It’s for this reason that I give five dollar bills to any kid I spot playing with a six-inch superhero: They’re doing their part in a world that gives them far cooler options.

Still, traditional dolls and action figures will never die, for what video game or high-tech gadget could afford a person the ability to complete their home decor with a twenty-seven inch, two-headed rubber dragon?

Giant Foam Dragon – $19.99: Twenty bucks for this guy didn’t seem like a bad deal, but now that I’ve done the math, I can confirm that he cost two thousand times more than the dragon seen in Part 2. Then again, that dragon was only about a third the size of this one, and that dragon most certainly did not have two heads. Frankly, I don’t feel the need to struggle for justification when I’ve got a dog-sized, two-headed rubber dragon. I’ll just say “you win” and go back to pretending to play cards with him.

I’ve yet to name my giant foam dragon, but that’s less to do with a lack of love and more to do with there not being pronouns currently associated with something as insanely awesome as he is. He’s gigantic, he’s really detailed, he’s got two heads, and he looks like he’s kind of happy about all of that. Though Casa de X-E is rife with controversy over the giant foam dragon’s final placement, I’m probably going to win the argument and make him a permanent couch-side fixture in our living room. My theory is that the position of his two heads will allow for easy ash tray mounting, and if you can find any legitimate purpose for a 27″ two-headed dragon doll, you’ve done well in the world.

Pokemon Throw Ball – $9.99: I once loved Pokemon enough to warrant a Bulbasaur tattoo above my left ankle, and though time has proven that this tribute wasn’t the most well-considered idea, I take solace in knowing that my legs will only ever be seen by the person who drains my blood out after I die. That said, I still really like Pokemon, and “really liking” Pokemon was good enough for me to spend ten bucks on this crappy Pikachu “Throw Ball.”

Well, it’s not so much that it’s crappy. It works well enough, with the Pikachu doll popping out of the Pokeball like a true Pokemon warrior just a moment after it hits the floor. My complaint has more to do with the pricing. The doll is something I wouldn’t have been satisfied with winning out of a twenty-five cent arcade crane machine, and I can’t honestly claim that a pop-action Pokeball is worth anywhere near ten bucks. I still can’t figure out how the toymakers came up with the retail price for this. Perhaps they adopted the theory that people will pay a mint just for firm permission to throw something.

Mostly, I’m just pissed that the Pikachu doll isn’t wearing a red hat like the one I beat the fuck out of Samus with does.

The Legend of Zelda “Havoc In Hyrule” DVD – $5.99: Toys “R” Us’s movie selection was mostly limited to newly released sing-a-longs and nursery-level action/adventures, but an aisle away from their DVD section was a pathetic rack full of obsolete titles priced to move. After moving past the 7,000 films starring Benji or Beethoven or some other well-meaning dog hero, I found this gem, featuring episodes from the terrific Zelda cartoon that was once a part of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.

As I recall, Lou Albano stuck with the Mario cartoons from Monday through Thursday, but on Fridays, kids everywhere exploded with delight as Link, Zelda and a very nasally interpretation of Ganon became immortalized with their very own run of animated adventures. The cartoons were pretty basic and seemed to infer that Hyrule was only as large as a basketball court, but seeing the cartoon version of an Octorok was enough to make every Friday feel like a holiday.

Six bucks is pretty cheap for a DVD, but since you can buy the entire run of Zelda cartoons in a nice box set for around $20, this wasn’t exactly a steal. The fact that I’ve owned that box set for almost a year now only makes this recent purchase even less warranted. Perhaps I was merely mesmerized by the sheer artistry found within the DVD cover art, with a lens flare effect placed upon Link’s sword so perfectly that I barely even noticed that his shadow has morphed into one of the demons that dragged Willie Lopez to Hades in Ghost.

Hydronator Hydro Colorant Powder & Super Soaker Oozinator Refill Cartridge – $0.24 & $0.80: I have no use for either of these, and in the case of the Hydro Colorant Powder, I’m still not even sure what the fuck I bought. I just can’t turn down anything at these prices. An extra buck was well worth the end result of a shopping bag that felt heavier and more substantial.

Further research tells me that Hydro Colorant Powder helps kids transform their water gun ammunition into dyed water gun ammunition. Considering that the back of the package offers stain warnings for everything from walls to clothes to floors to vinyl (which they misspelled), I don’t imagine that these were popular artifacts with anyone except the four-year-old who did the shooting.

Oh, and aside from misspelling “vinyl,” they’re also of the mind that the plural form of “fabric” is “fabric’s.” In fact, now that I’ve read over the package blurb a little more closely, I’m quite positive that no paragraph anywhere has ever been worse:

Evidently, after Benji got done making all the movies that were stinking up TRU’s DVD rack, he moved into the position of copy editor for Planet Toys.

Thumb Wrestling Federation “Figures” – $4.99: I thought this was a neat concept: Outfits for all of us thumb wrestling maniacs to place over our fingers. The company responsible for these did such a remarkable job with the packaging that I completely overlooked the fact that I was about to pay five dollars for two well-themed finger condoms.

They don’t fit over my thumbs, which are either gigantic or merely adult-sized, but they work well enough for the much cooler purpose of masking random action figures. Here, a pair of M. Bisons entertain each other in ways far more peaceful than the ancient art of Shadowloo face-punching. Though I’d more typically prefer things to be alien-themed, I’ve gotta give the nod to the non-alien blue mask as the best of the two. Don’t really have a reason to back that up, so maybe I shouldn’t have said it. I dunno.

Star Wars “Friends of the Force” Activity Book – $5.99: Toys “R” Us’s book section must be seen to be believed. The only way I can describe it is this: Picture our humble planet in the aftermath of some horrible extinction event, with the battered survivors pooling the few remaining books into a messy pile. There’s no rhyme or reason to anything, and outside of Harry Potter-level fads, you’ll rarely find more than a single copy of any of the books being carried. Every book is seemingly war-torn, with the battle damage ranging from light cover tears to titles that were ripped entirely in half. I liked the idea of a 400-page Star Wars activity book enough to save it from whatever horrible fate awaited.

Now that I’ve skimmed through its many pages, I realize that the book is far too strange to bury at the bottom of a three-part blog series. We’ll have to dig deeper into this one at a later date, but here’s a little something to whet your appetites:

Okay, so I’m totally familiar with these “grid” drawing lesson things, but this makes NO SENSE. The grids are of absolutely no service at all! How are they supposed to help you recreate Darth Maul? There’s no symmetry, there’s nothing! It’s pointless! I know that I shouldn’t be so upset about this, but I really wanted to draw Darth Maul and not have him come out like he usually does, which is something akin to a gelatinous black cube with a cherry on top.

I’m really tired and don’t have much fuel left for an outstanding conclusion, but all told, I had tons of fun on my shopping spree and would totally do it again if I didn’t feel like I already bought all of the good stuff. Oh, and as promised, here’s a scan of my receipt:

Receipts are exciting. Happy SNT!

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!