I might be too tired to write this tonight, but since tomorrow boasts the only morning that I don’t need to be somewhere by 9 AM, let’s give it a shot. Please heed the caveat that my current level of exhaustion may be conveyed in the form of utter gibberish. I reserve the right to ninja edit when I wake up.
The stuff I covered in Part 1 was purchased more on the merits of whimsy than anything else. This batch reflects a truer sense of what I’d grab on a Toys “R” Us shopping spree if I was eight-years-old today. I’m not sure if that makes much sense, but since that will be a running theme in tonight’s entry, I might as well establish it early on.
Animal Planet Foam Dragon – $0.01: I’m absolutely serious. This beautiful, silvery blue beast cost exactly one penny. I have no way to explain it. We figured that it was a pricing error, but a TRU employee confirmed that if it rung up for a penny, the store was obligated to sell it to us for that. Of course, after confirming this, she snatched up the remaining dragons to buy for herself. No clue what grand intentions this lady had for a series of devil-faced dino-demons; I was just pissed that we didn’t have the chance to grab more of them.
Spending a penny on anything is a thrill, but when you spend it on something that you were prepared to pay full retail for, it’s cause for the kind of in-store victory dance that only seems embarrassing in retrospect. It’s not that I mind being pegged as the kind of guy who’d twist and shout over a cheap foam dragon; it’s just that I dance like an asthmatic folding chair. You may cry foul over such a poorly conceived analogy, but you’d also have to concede that asthmatic folding chairs really can’t dance all that well.
The fact that I swiped this foam dragon for an amount of money that I’d sooner vacuum than lean over to collect was only part of the glory. In truth, I really wanted this guy. I had a ton of similarly styled random dragon figures as a kid, and Animal Planet’s version really seems like a throwback to those lost beauts. I tried to give you some sense of scale with the Dasani bottle, but if it isn’t helping, Mr. Foam Dragon stands at about a foot tall, and rides a fine line between being soft enough to throw at someone without killing them and hard enough to do exactly that I know that Animal Planet didn’t intend for us to throw dragons at people, but any item prefaced with the word “foam” must be construed that way.
Star Wars “Galactic Heroes” Two-Pack – $5.99: Hasbro really stumbled onto something brilliant with the “Galactic Heroes” collection, along with all of the like-styled lines that they make for Transformers, Marvel Comics and so forth. I’ve covered them before, but the figures are essentially super-deformed versions of the classic characters we love and adore, maintaining their typical weaponry and facial scowls, but in an oh-so-cute way.
With the Star Wars collection in particular, it’s extra cool. Since the line was so successful, they’ve already blasted past the typical characters and moved into way more obscure territory. One two-pack features Ponda Baba and Snaggletooth, and the fact that only three of you know who I’m talking about just proves my point. If I had to pick one line to start collecting outright, it’d be this. The collection is large enough to really get into, but the figures are ironic enough to place around your cubicle without looking like too much of an asshole.
I picked the Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader set, for the very simple reason that Vader came with a removable mask. Darth Fester! To stay in tune with Return of the Jedi: The Special Edition Version 8.9, Hasbro portrayed Vader completely and totally without eyebrows. I can’t decide what I miss more: Sebastian Shaw in the Jedi ghost scene, or Sebastian Shaw’s fucking eyebrows in the unmasked Vader scene.
And now, SAD NEWS!
As happy as I was to see Toys “R” Us carrying the resurgent Madballs collection, I was appalled by their in-store placement: Hanging on the bottom rack in a pathetic aisle two hundred feet away from the normal action figure toys. If I didn’t go into this shopping spree thing with the goal of perusing every square inch of the store, there’s no way I would’ve seen them. I could understand their placement if Toys “R” Us had already given up on Madballs and had ‘em on clearance, but this didn’t seem to be the case. The toys are still new enough to be pushed as such, but they don’t stand a chance when you can only find them under a pile of imported cowboy dress-up kits in Aisle 236.
Clearly, I had to buy one.
Madballs Sick Series “Skull Face” – $5.99: TRU’s selection wasn’t outrageously thorough, but I was pleased to find Skull Face among the survivors. I owned a Skull Face Halloween mask as a kid, which went on to become the pinnacle portion of my outfit whenever my older sister had a new friend over.
I’ve been curious about these “Sick Series” Madballs. Unlike the normal versions, they include a second ball stuffed inside the monster head, which can be squished-and-bubbled to reveal viscous red liquid and an assortment of rubber bugs.
To be honest, I prefer my Madballs a little less sick. This ball-of-blood-and-bugs thing has just become too synonymous with cheapo party store toys, and Madballs definitely doesn’t deserve the distinction of being on the same level as a sixty cent party favor. Plus, having owned many of these bloodbugball things in the past, I know firsthand that they are not objects that last a lifetime. Eventually, they always pop or deflate. I don’t want to say hello to a Madball and know that I’ll have to say goodbye to it someday. I guess you could say that my relationship with Madballs is a delicate house of cards. If you take that last sentence literally and actually do say it, please record it and send me the audio file. I desperately need a new ringtone.
Silly Putty “Space Sludge” – $1.99: Just when I thought that I owned enough Silly Putty to last a lifetime, they go and come up with something that no self-respecting, soul-having person could pass up on. Actually, I can’t honestly claim that “Space Sludge” Silly Putty is in any way a new product, because I remember seeing it back in the 1300’s. Whatever. At two bucks, it was a great way to counterbalance the many items in my wagon that had six or more points-of-articulation.
I was mostly sold on the merits of owning something called “Space Sludge,” but some credit must go to the awesome triple-eyed alien shown on the packaging. If I was ever challenged to watch 48 hours worth of bad sitcoms in one sitting, I’d want that guy next to me. He just seems like the type of triple-eyed alien who’d go with the flow and make the most of it. I also enjoy the idea of a tentacle underside that looks suspiciously like bubble wrap.
Oh, and the putty is…good. It’s good putty. With a multicolored metallic sheen, it feels jussssst extraterrestrial enough to justify the moniker.
Boogaz Pick “N” Flick Launcher – $4.78: I know that I already wrote about Boogaz toys, but I never wrote about the special hand-shaped accessory that hurls them at the wall. And I’m not going to now, either. I only bought the thing to get at its included tub of obnoxious green ooze, and the promised glow-in-the-dark mystery figure lurking inside.
Eh, that’s a pretty crappy one, all told. I was really hoping for a Santa Claus or Jason Voorhees-inspired Boogaz figure, but it looks like I’m forever cursed to get these sad nobodies that do nothing to improve my longstanding contention that toys should rarely if ever be based on snot.
Regardless, I stand by my belief that BOOGAZZZZ was pretty close to being an awesome toyline. Had they just done some tweaking and made the running theme toxic waste instead of snot, I doubt that the toys’ migration to the clearance racks would’ve been so quick. Even if kids can rally behind a snot-based toy for its gross-out appeal, I just can’t imagine that many children would actively collect different versions of it. Truth be told, I don’t think it matters if you’re six or sixty: You’ll always feel like a big dope saying “Boogaz” out loud.
Look for Part 3 later in the week, including my most expensive purchase, along with a bunch of junk which in retrospect probably isn’t as interesting as I thought it was when I bought it. Oh well. I’ll just have to make it interesting, either through song or with lots and lots of curse words.
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Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
Haven’t given up yet…
I was just thinking the SAME thing!! Shame on you Commander! GO STAND IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE SAID!