I suck. I guess my current status as a nonentity can’t be attributed to any single thing. I’ve been really, really busy with work, but not in a bad way, and Lord knows that I’ve managed to post even when I was busy with work in a bad way. I think it’s just been my cover excuse: I’ve been busy enough to make myself believe that that was the reason I wasn’t writing anything, rather than figuring out what it really is.
I’m still not entirely sure what it really is; I guess I can sum it up best as a consistent feeling of being “unplugged.” I struggle to find a relevant word for weeks, never once reminding myself that this entire site has been built on irrelevance, and that it would’ve been easier to just write about the damn Iron Man Slurpee three days ago rather than sitting around trying to come up with some kind of magnificent return post.
Also, when I do this, I feel old. I mean, I have this glorious, absolutely glorious television special wherein 50% of the Golden Girls host the 25th anniversary of Disney World live from the park, and I can’t muster the gusto to build the review, because it’s from 1985 and I feel like nobody who would be willing to read sentences in my chosen structure was even born by then anymore. It’s a far cry from the site’s infancy, where I could say “He-Man” and 10,000 people would hold up posterboard signs in tribute.
Then again, I’ll write light confessions like the paragraphs above, read them over, and only then do I get how utterly stupid I’m being. Why? Because in the time it took for me to write that, I could’ve been writing about something you’d actually be interested in, like, say, the Iron Man Slurpee. (It comes in an Iron Man head-shaped mug, you know.)
The other part of it is this: In my head, I always know I’ll eventually come back and write consistently, whether it happens this minute or in a week or a month. And I assume that everyone who reads the site also knows that, and expect them to keep checking, even though I know how annoying that is. There are plenty of sites that I’ve read for years that’ve progressed into having a more casual update schedule, whether by official announcement or pure happenstance. And I know that I’ve felt disconnected from those people after a while, because they seemed to stay on as a lark and not as a lifestyle.
So, I’m sorry if the site seemed to be at the bottom of my checklist lately. It was in action, but not in thought. To help make amends, here’s what I’ll do:
I was recently gifted a swank $100 American Express gift card. I could use the money for something practical — perhaps a pair of jeans that aren’t two inches taller than my legs, or maybe a horde of energy-efficient light bulbs which will scream to the neighbors that I ain’t afraid to go green. Or, I could let you tell me what to buy.
You pick the store, and I’ll go on a $100 shopping spree there, buying only the most ridiculous, weird junk I can find.
The only catch is that I’m not going to travel 50 miles out of town for this, so your choices will be limited to the following:
1) Toys “R” Us
2) Best Buy
3) A Supermarket
4) Amazon.com (okay, so an online choice is lame, but they’ve got some weird shit)
Whichever establishment gets the popular vote in tonight’s thread will win, and I’ll spend tomorrow doing the hunting for the report. I was going to throw a dollar store in the mix, but really, I know that everyone would choose that, and I’m still a good three weeks away from being desperate enough for fresh content that I’d spend a hundred bucks on generic shampoo and obsolete Colorforms playsets.
Aside from that, this is your normal SNT. Tonight’s extra theme? Halloween. Serious. I’m jonesing. Not so much for Halloween proper, but rather just a cold night in some scary log cabin with nothing but space heaters, blankets and crappy food to protect me from the various horror icons who’d dare to make live appearances after I watch them on a shitty fifteen-inch tube television. Seeing as how my psychological clock is so fucked, it makes perfect sense that this notion would hit as soon as it actually feels like springtime outside.
Oh, and my Smash code is 4425-1199-9569. I usually frown upon every thread turning into an exchange of Wii friend codes, but in this case, I really want to spend the night pounding you with my absolutely invincible Pikachu.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
This was a tender and heartwarming glimpse.