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Rambo made me love jade.

I spent the past week at a "How To Be A Better Webmaster" bootcamp/seminar deal, and though I expected simple solutions like "update more often" or "remember that you own a website," I was instead instructed to resonate with you by talking about one of my favorite stones in the entire stone kingdom: JADE.

I love jade. I really do. I look at jade, and I wish I could be magically transformed into a hippie new age housewife, just so I can get away with gluing random pieces of it to my belt. Though there are hundreds of things that I love without any clear remembrance of the origins of said loves, with jade, I actually know the precise moment that I became its #1 fan.

It was the summer of 1985. During my family's annual trip to Wildwood, the inevitable vacation-ending activity commenced: It was time to cash in all of our casino arcade tickets and obtain whatever lousy prize we could get from spending thousands of dollars on skeeball and Pop-A-Ball poker.

For as much as I loved those Wildwood casino arcades, I have to admit that there was an unmistakable level of suck to the prizes they offered. 25,000 points for a knockoff Lots-A-Lots-A-Legggs doll? The fact that only three of you know what real Lots-A-Lots-A-Legggs dolls are only punctuates how ridiculous it was to spend 25,000 points on a bootleg version.

In the end, I usually picked whatever toys I could find that were from officially licensed brands, even if I wasn't a huge fan of those particular brands. And that's how the "Rambo Survival Knife" came into my life.

If you're wondering what any of this has to do with jade, I promise, all will be revealed.


The "Rambo Survival Knife" is actually more of a "Rambo Survival Kit," consisting of much more than the crude rubber blade shown at left. Also included is a sheath, which is so unbelievably thin and flimsy that the knife simply cannot fit inside it, whittling the sheath's potential uses down to landfill or a condom you wear when you want children.

More alarming is the toy watch. It isn't functional, of course, featuring a cardboard dial which dictates that the time is now and forever 10:05. To help sell the toy watch as an official Rambo item, they went through the trouble of adding "RAMBO" text on the dial. If nothing else, it's succinct. I might be more forgiving to this piece of shit watch if it had the ability to stay in one piece. Just by touching it, the watch explodes into several plastic pieces, each more annoying than the last. Then again, I'm not too familiar with Rambo's films. I know he had guns...can anyone confirm if Rambo ever had an exploding trick watch? I suspect he would've called it a "time bomb." But he wouldn't have chuckled after saying it, because that's cheesy.

At the casino arcade, this dumb Rambo toy was on display in a high-up window case. Almost everything seems ten thousand times cooler when on display in high-up window cases, but this is one of the few items in history that was done a great disservice by such a method of display. Nobody could see it from the floor of that arcade, but lurking deep within the "Rambo Survival Knife" set was something so holy and so GREEN that I'm honestly tempted to finish this entry in this horrible font color.


It was...THE AMULET. I would've been excited enough to own an amulet that was apparently based on a combination of Buddha and a Martian Popping Thing, but when my mother noted that it "looked like jade" and explained what jade was, I just about lost my mind. I had no reason to suspect that the amulet was simply forged in plastic, and in my mind, I was the proud owner of a million dollar gem, left to wonder how such an immensely priceless objet d'art could've possibly been packaged with a lousy shoelace for a necklace.

I cannot impress upon you the love I had for this amulet. I wore it everywhere, or at least, I did until the fateful day came when the charm fell off and vanished from the face of the planet. The entertainment industry had long taught me that amulets were magical good luck charms capable of delivering their wielders incredible powers. So, not only did I look freakin' cool with my freakin' sweet jade amulet...I had godlike powers, too!

So began a lifelong love affair with jade. To this day, no street fair vendor hawking poorly crafted animal statues made from jade or other rocks green enough to pass as jade has met my gaze without meeting my wallet soon after. To this day, I still contend that most of the walls in our apartment would look really great if we painted them bright green. To this day, I let that bitch from Mortal Kombat II beat up Scorpion without ever trying to fight back, sheerly out of respect. Jade wins.

Kind of an odd story to be telling you on a Friday night, but I feel better having done so.

The "Rambo Survival Knife" was made by a company called LarGo, which reads like the screenname of the Tampa-area old lady who I totally pummeled in Yahoo Checkers just the other day.

In other news:


I'm back in ToyFare with an article on M.U.S.C.L.E. toys, covering their past, present and future, with every accessory and Nintendo game in-between. Actually, the feature was in last month's issue, but it took forever for me to find it. When I finally did, it was at a comic shop on the way to my bus stop by the office. During the ride home, I couldn't keep from thumbing through to check out how the ToyFare's artists handled the layout, and also to see how much of it survived their editing process. (Not complaining...they edit for the right reasons, not just for the heck of it.)

So I'm sitting there reading, and I catch some guy across the row staring a hole through the magazine pages and my head. He didn't seem like the type of person who would've been a ToyFare subscriber, and I couldn't figure out why all of this seemed so interesting to him. Finally, it hit me: A glossy black magazine page with "THINK PINK" written on it in giant neon lettering, footnoted with a shot of a cartoon character wearing a leotard. Feeling sufficiently leotarded, I tucked the magazine back into its brown paper bag and quickly zipped into iPod mode. Whatever. I get sick when I try to read in cars, anyway.

I hope you're all doing well. At least, I hope you're doing well enough to answer this SURPRISE SURVEY -- WHOA!

Survey: Look at the picture below. It's of four sandwiches. Put these sandwiches in your order of preference, and explain your reasoning. Your decisions must be based on these sandwiches and these sandwiches alone, exactly as shown. You can't add mustard or whatever else you would usually add. I don't know why, but I'm honestly curious about your responses.


I'd go with the roast beef sandwich as my top pick, and actually, it's the only one that I find somewhat palatable. Totally crushing on the sea of radish slices.

Next up, I guess the luncheon meat. I've never had luncheon meat, but it looks kind of like Spam. I can't remember if I've ever eaten Spam, but I find it interesting. I'm also intrigued by the scale portrayed here. From what I know of green pepper rings, their relative size means that the meat slices are approximately seven feet long a piece.

Ham would be third, even though I don't eat ham and have an aversion to cucumbers. Why? Because I'd sooner fry bugs up with dog shit than eat a tuna salad.

Great survey, right? X-E is so awesome.

PS: Did Rambo really wear a jade buddha amulet? If the answer is yes, he's so great.

Posted by Matt on 03/21/2008. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 211 comments

As far as the sandwiches go, none of them as I am a smug vegetarian.

Chestnuts roasted by El Loco Gordo @ 03/22/2008 8:47 AM

first off the roast beef, because it looks a little less disgusting than the other ones. second i would go with the luncheon meat only because the raisins on the ham sandwich make me want to ralph and i too will go with the tunasalad last because when i was 10 years old i saw a report on the news that nearly 95% of all cans of tuna sold in this country contain bug parts and it’s ok because the government allows for a certain amount of bug parts in our food. thats right, i’m not talking about mexico, i’m talking about the good old u.s. of a. and yes rambo wore the amulet its even on his old toys from the 1980′s. i think it was called rambo and the forces of freedom

Chestnuts roasted by randomcow @ 03/22/2008 8:58 AM

Tuna – solely (haha, lame fish joke) because the heartiness of pumpernickel bread gives the sandwich some cohesion. I couldn’t stand to eat tuna salad on white, but I think I could tolerate it on some chunky pumpernickel. Chunkernickel.

Roast beef – roast beef and radish sounds like a decent combo, although to me English muffins are exclusively a breakfast food. I used to feel the same way about croissants, but the BLTA croissant at Red Robin swayed my way of thinking.

Luncheon meat – luncheon meat is gross, but I think the peppers would give a nice bite to the overall sandwich. Yes, peppers would pick up the slack that luncheon meat drops on Team Sandwich.

Baked ham – I’m a ham fan, much to my girlfriend’s disgust, but the rest of this sandwich makes it unpalatable to me. Cucumbers are gross. Their texture and smell reminds me of their middle syllable. And I don’t understand having a savoury sandwich on raisin bread.

P.S. I love how food looks in old 70s/80s magazines/cookbooks. Sometimes I buy microwave cookbooks at the thrift store and just look lovingly at the “Look at me, I’m an 80s Miele/Mercedes Benz/General Electric print ad” photography.

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel85 @ 03/22/2008 9:14 AM

I never knew so many people hated ham! Ham should grow on trees. Imagine the magnificent landscape of bounteous ham trees with their glistening hammy fruits swaying in the breeze, and the occasional THUNK as a ripe ham falls to the ground.

Chestnuts roasted by Rev. BackItOnUp @ 03/22/2008 10:45 AM

It remembers? me? I feel so loved and validated :)

I do have a fascination with jade, at least I did when I was about 13 or so. I used to watch QVC and HSN alot and also infomercials. I was fascinated by them, and I would pretend in my head that I was a potential customer. Well in the jewelery hours they would have products made of jade. I loved it, the different colors of jade even though it was mostly that milky green color, necklaces, earrings and those hoop bracelets you have to squeeze your hand into. The animal statues are bad though.

Onto the sandwich question. I would pick tuna even though I have never had pumpernickel bread I can assume what it tastes like. Maybe I should make some someday or just buy a friggin loaf of the stuff. It just seems like the most edible. Second would be the ham one because it has cucumbers on it. Cucumbers would be great on the tuna sandwich. We love cucumbers around here, I always deskin them, dice them up and put them in our salad.

Along with the diced up crappy tomatoes we’ve been getting lately. I can’t wait until it’s tomato season so they are palatable. These red house tomatoes are awful. Maybe I am just saying that because my Granddad has a garden where he grows cherry tomatoes and regular tomatoes and so I know what a real one tastes like. Cherry tomatoes rock my socks. But you have to bite down on them right or you’ll get a straight line of tomato seeds and juice down your shirt for the rest of the day.

I want to be able to grow a garden someday, we can have tomato plants here but in pots not in the ground. I should get on that soon. Anyway lol I have always been fascinated with food photography. I have watched shows on the subject, watching the pro work, and it’s interesting. I have always wondered if I would be good at that job. Those people are really passionate about it. And they passed a law a few years ago you can only photograph food you can’t photograph dummy food and then say it’s the product on the package. That makes it harder for foods like ice cream to be photographed because the lights melt it quickly. Before that law was passed there was this concoction was made that was basically like a lard type of substance that didn’t melt as quickly that looked exactly like ice cream. Anyway I just think that is interesting sometimes :)

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 03/22/2008 12:12 PM

1) Tuna – I like everything on this one. Pumpernickel isn’t my favourite but it’ll do.

2) Luncheon Meat – Not a big fan of the “meat” but I like green peppers and onion rolls and it beats the other options.

3) Roast Beef – This one looks gross to me but less so than the last one.

4) Ham – I like ham but am not a big fan of Swiss cheese, hate any seeds/fruit in my bread (raisins? come on now), and cucumbers are the only vegetable I’ve tried that I still can’t stomach. Blech.

Chestnuts roasted by Johee @ 03/22/2008 12:58 PM

First I’d eat the tuna, because tuna is yummy. Could use some pickles, though. Next I’d go with ham, then roast beef. I wouldn’t eat the luncheon meat. I’d feed it to the dog, much like I use her to dispose of vanilla pudding pops.

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 03/22/2008 1:03 PM

ah that takes me back… I, like El Loco Gordo also remember being about 10 or 11 years old and having what you might call the “real” rambo knife… it was referred to as a “survival knife” as i recall… if you want to pay top dollar you could order yourself a real survival knife which would probably be really handy were you to find yourself trapped in the jungle behind enemy lines… the one that i had however was the one you got for 8 dollars from the lowlier tables at the gun and knife show (i’m from south carolina, i grew up in a house surrounded by guns and knives, the gun and knife show was actually a big deal…)The blade was some kind of cheap not-quite-real-metal-made-in-china affair… the handle was made of cheap plastic but did as stated earlier have a small nearly unusable compass on the end, which could be unscrewed to reveal the vast cornucopia of survivalist goodies mentioned by el gordo loco previously… I still remember as a child being spellbound by this object, despite the fact that they would probably break if you were to use any of the items in it for their intended purposes… i would sit atop my bunk beds and dream up all sorts of survivalist scenarios where i would use my trusty survival knife to escape the jungles of south east asia, fend off attacking bears in the forests of canada, and possibly, just possibly make a prison break from the dungeons of mars… ahh… memories…

in other news… while visiting at my mothers house last week, i found an original Danial-san Karate Kid action figure i thought to be long lost! the life-like karate kick and karate chop actions still work even!!! (((bliss)))

Chestnuts roasted by TOmmy! @ 03/22/2008 1:34 PM

Maybe I’m the only one, but if I am at home and I have time, I totally go all out when making a sandwich. I love cooking and usually my foreman grill is used as a panini press instead of a grill. george would surely kill me…anyways, when I have to pack my lunch for work or school, I don’t put too much time into the sammich, just because i am usually in a hurry, and I know that by the time I eat it, I will be too pissed off at the world to care if the onions are carmelized or not. oh well. A great easy yummy sandwich for me though (which actually isnt a sandwich at all) is an english muffin toasted so it is crispy on all edges, and then nutella on top. I seriously would make love to a jar of nutella….that is if i knew that nutella wasnt a slut.

Chestnuts roasted by Leigha @ 03/22/2008 1:36 PM

*Ham* – cause I can’t resist cucumber on a sandwich
*Beef* – Not a big fan of a sandwich on english muffin, but its beef… BEEF!!! So it beats tuna
*Tuna* – tuna on pumpernickel sounds pretty good, but tuna gives me bad breath all day, so… 3rd
*Lunchmeat* – never a fan of mystery meat. I imagine it’s made of parts of animal that wouldn’t sell on their own like noses and cheeks and such.

Now on to coloring eggs!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Fungusmungus @ 03/22/2008 2:39 PM

Roast beef with radish-should repeat really good on ya.
Tuna and fresh spinach-strong to the finich!
Lunch meat and green pepper-the onion roll ties it together.
Ham und swiss mit cucumber-never heard of raisin rye, so last in line.

Happy Invader Day!!

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 03/22/2008 3:43 PM

Am I the only one that finds it kinda funny that the Rambo pacakge has a minimum age 3 limit on it? There’s no way you could get away with that today.

Sandwich survey:
1.) Lunch Meat- I love onion rolls and lunch meat isn’t half bad.
2.) Tuna- That actually looks tasty, and I’m not a tuna fan.
3.)Roast Beef- It looks ok. Especially compared to the ham one.
4.) Ham- I actually like ham. But I HATE Swiss cheese. Not a big fan of cucumbers. Plus, raisin bread? Really?

When I’m at home sandwiches are simple mostly. Meat, cheese, mayo or honey mustard. If I get fancy I may add a tomato slice.

But I love getting fancy sandwiches at restaurants. I was at Arby’s this week and got a Classic Italian. Delicious. Subway rocks. Also, even though I haven’t been there in awhile Quizno’s rules. I always get the Monte Crisco at Beningans.

If I want a fancy cheeseburger Red Robin rocks. Culvers is pretty good, too.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 03/22/2008 4:04 PM

Tuna, lunch meat, roast beef then ham. I hate ham, and the thought of ham on raisin bread is almost too much for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go back into lurk mode and not comment for another 6.5 months.

Chestnuts roasted by Mal @ 03/22/2008 4:23 PM

I’d go with tuna first because it’s my favorite meat of the 4, and while I don’t really like lettuce and would prefer diced tomatoes instead of sliced, I could handle those. Plus, I have never had pumpernickel before, so this would be a good time to try it.

Second, would be the luncheon meat because even though I don’t know what that is, it looks like I could enjoy eating it. I also love green peppers and the onion roll also looks good, although I’ve never had it.

Third, the roast beef. I really don’t like roast beef cold, I don’t like sandwiches made with English Muffins although I do like English Muffins, and I’ve never had radishes so I don’t know what they taste like.

Forth, the ham. I don’t like sliced ham, I don’t like swiss chese, I don’t think I would like raisin rye as bread to a meat sandwich, and I don’t like cucumbers.

Chestnuts roasted by Rich @ 03/22/2008 4:35 PM

We Brawlin’ tonight?

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 03/22/2008 5:59 PM

Hm, a good question and I’m so glad it wasn’t chocolate…I think after Easter, I’ll be off chocolate for a damnably long while.

Just a question though, is that ordinary radish sliced up or horseradish sliced up?

Well, for me it’s be the Roast Beef inna muffin first, because I just plain adore beef and muffins, and I can take radish or horseradish.

Second is the ham, cheese, cucumber on rye. I love swiss cheese and ham, and cucumber sandwiches are part of my heritage, so I’m expected to eat them (though usually on white bread, cut in triangle, piled high, served while sitting on a lawn watching boules and whilst drinking a nice cup of tea from bone china cups).

Then it’s the Tuna, because I like tuna too.

Finally, luncheon meat. I don’t really enjoy reformed meat. Opening Spam and other tinned meats make me feel slightly nauseaus. It’s usually either got gelatin remnants or discoloured water with it.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 03/22/2008 6:02 PM

Well, as a vegetarian, I wouldn’t eat any of them. :-P But assuming I did…

1) The tuna sandwich. Pre-veg-days, I used to eat tuna pretty regularly, and as long as that thing wasn’t full of excessive mayo, the combination of pumpernickel and spinach and tomato is a very pleasing to me.

2) The ham sandwich. Ham was something I ate occasionally before going veg, and I otherwise enjoy cucumber and am love with any type of cheese. Plus, the concept of raisin rye sounds absolutely delicious. It would have needed one more vegetable component for me to have rated it #1.

3) The luncheon meat. I have never eaten luncheon meat once in my life and personally find the concept repulsive, but I would eat that onion roll in a second…and the pepper.

4) The roast beef. I used to eat a limited amount of beef and I do love a good English muffin, but…this sandwich is otherwise way plain. Needs some cheese.

Chestnuts roasted by Ell @ 03/22/2008 6:36 PM

Glad your back Matt great post, I submitted this on mixx so if anyone is a member you can go vote for it, just type xentertainment in the search bar to find it. As far as the sandwich survey, I’m going to go tuna,roastbeef,ham,lunchmeat. That gnarly green pepper looks gross on a sandwich. This post is timely I just got a boot leg dvd of John Rambo, I cant wait to watch it.

Chestnuts roasted by Mortalwind @ 03/22/2008 7:29 PM

“Sheath With String” – I love that! I love how his knife looks like it’s glowing in the pic, too.

You know, I was pretty damn good at SkeeBall, and I remember winning tickets but I always ended up keeping them, thinking I’d bring them in next time, when I’d win more… but I never did – or I just flat out didn’t have enough to get ANYthing I even remotely wanted. It was sad…

As for the sandwiches, well, I’m vegan so every one of them is off limits for me, but I even tried setting that aside in my mind, as if I weren’t vegan, and I still couldn’t come up with even one I’d eat “as is” :? They are all so horribly gross. lol

Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 03/22/2008 7:36 PM

The only X-E’er I have on my brawl buddy list is Kid Nicky and he is never on.

so yeah….in honor of easter
http://photo.twincities.com/index.php/2007/04/07/peeps-diorama/

Happy SNT!!!

Chestnuts roasted by mandy_Reeves @ 03/22/2008 7:36 PM

Well,I’m on right now!!!!
And MUSCLE is so awesome. Anyone with a Gamecube or Wii should pick up the Ultimate Muscle game used,it’s a hell of a fun time for the 13.99 or whatever it’ll cost you.

Chestnuts roasted by Kid Nicky @ 03/22/2008 8:20 PM

Since people have been talking about the new flavors of Dr. Pepper, I thought I’d chime in. Do they sell regular versions of these flavors nationally? I’ve only seen the regular version of the cherry vanilla kind in one place, and it is awesome. Everywhere else it’s only diet, which I hate. What did the Berries and Cream taste like? I think I had it once, but I don’t remember it.

They need to bring back some Mountain Dew Game Fuel. The 7-11 still has it here as a flavor, but the pop is so much better than the Slurpee. The Game Fuel Slurpee has a more pronounced citrus flavor.

Chestnuts roasted by Rich @ 03/22/2008 8:22 PM

4: Tuna
All fish is devilmade, and I’m not too hot on spinach either. Fresh tomato is an easy way to ruin a good sandwich and an easy way to make a bad sandwich worse.

3: Ham und Cheese
I have no problem with ham & cheese and I quietely tolerate cucumbers, but you’ll find me scubadiving in waste disposal plants before you see me eating raising bread.

2: Luncheon meat
How can I say no to luncheon meat? That sounds like something a person would sell you while praying to god you won’t ask what it really is.

1: Roast Beef
Because beef is delicious, and so are radishes. We have a winner.

Chestnuts roasted by CCP @ 03/22/2008 8:39 PM

tuna just doesn’t get any love.. – the other night a few friends and i were deciding upon what items we’d like on our gigantic Subway party sub we’re ordering for WrestleMania next weekend.. – i spoke up first, offering “tuna!” to an extremely silent reaction.. – after that muted pause.. my suggestion was completley ignored and everyone else started listing safe, yet boring, choices.. – turkey? seriously? – if i’m going to watch Big Daddy V win the ECW title I want to wash it down with some tunafish!

Chestnuts roasted by Review the World @ 03/22/2008 8:39 PM

Hm…first choice would have to be luncheon meat, because that seems the least disgusting. Second is roast beef, because, well… I like roast beef, but I HATE radishes. Then, baked ham, because I like 2 outta 3 things in it. But I barf when I have cucumbers. Last, well, I will cut myself if I have to eat that.

I’ve never seen Rambo, so I can’t answer the question… sorry.

Chestnuts roasted by C-Dogg @ 03/22/2008 8:44 PM

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