As the world turns its attentions to Uncle O'Grimacey's fabled Shamrock Shakes, I find myself bored with the prospect of another month spent trying to locate that one odd McDonald's willing to dye its milky treasures green for me. I've already done that and photo-archived it, and besides, the only time I've ever been even 1/14th Irish was when I consulted a fermentingly old bottle of Baileys to survive a toothache several years ago.

So, go. Go and have your little minty triple-thick delicious milkshakes. I've discovered a new method of celebrating St. Patrick's Day by way of the material world: Mutant fish!

After receiving word from an anonymous tipster that a local Petland store was displaying its lucky pride in an obscene way, I cased the scene earlier this evening. I come from a neighborhood with its fair share of Irishmen, but there still seemed to be something a tad off about a pet store so thoroughly decorated in tacky clover-themed garland and the errant cardboard leprechaun. On the other hand, any event that tempts pet store workers to segregate doggy rawhide bones into boxes of "green" and "all other colors except green" makes me clap like I'm at the opera after someone nails an amazingly long note. Okay, maybe I didn't clap like that, but I clapped like something. Okay, actually, I didn't clap at all. But I thought about clapping.

By now you're probably wondering why I'm rambling on about a pet store decorated with green ribbons. In fact, clover-themed window clings were the least of my concerns. To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, they had a whole freakin' tank of painted parrot fish. You know, the kind that are unnaturally dyed in a bevy of neon colors? I bought a bunch of 'em several years ago, and upon learning about the process by which they're turned into technicolor freaks, I vowed never to buy them again. Still, when faced with an Irish pet store featuring a tankful of clover green parrot fish, convictions may sometimes find themselves taking a backseat to awesomeness.

Regarding the photo above, you'll have to use your imagination a bit. Try as I might, it just isn't easy to take pictures of stuff inside fish tanks.

Yes, I bought one. Yes, I know that I shouldn't support the business practice of injecting innocent fish with fast-fading food dye. Everyone's allowed a weak moment, and after all, it's not like I picked some normal fish from a tank and sent them to the back room with a syringe. They already did the deed, and at least I'll give the poor thing a better home than some seven-year-old Irish kid with intentions of using an upside-down football helmet for a fish tank.

All but one of my original painted parrots from that ancient blog post have died off. The one that's left was originally bright red, but over time, his color has faded to a very muted and nearly natural yellow. He's grown much bigger and lived for far longer than a lot of fish-related websites told me he would, which is either a minor miracle or, you know, just one of those things.

Despite our collective misgivings about the animal rights issues involved here, I have to admit that holiday-themed fish is a concept that I'd be happy to volunteer time to and/or draw up signage for. It's important to support the causes you believe in, even if we're just talking about fish that look like Christmas or Halloween. Or stupid St. Patrick's Day.

Posted by Matt on 03/11/2008. E-mail me!