Ridiculous Star Wars Figure #116778: C-3P0 & Salacious Crumb, a two-pack which aims to make sense of its otherwise odd pairing by reflecting upon the only scene in Return of the Jedi where the two characters truly interacted. Unfortunately, Salacious Crumb spent this particular scene chewing C-3P0’s eyes out.
If we can consider Hasbro’s resurgent line of Star Wars toys as a continuous series beginning with the series launch in 1995, it’s amazing that the brand has existed for almost fifteen years without any real downtime. In lieu of a proper social life, I decided to become a serious toy collector right around 1995. I distinctly remember the first series of figures, from impossible-to-stand Ben Kenobi to monkey-faced Princess Leia to bodybuilding Boba Fett, and a host of other classic characters immortalized in annoying fashion. I never thought it would last: This was before the prequels, and indeed, even before Greedo and Jabba’s babealicious six-titted fat dancer took to the big screen for one last hurrah in the “Special Edition” re-releases. There was no reason to suspect that the franchise’s scope extended past people like me, who were born and bred on Wampa fur and Dewback steaks.
Clearly, my prediction was wrong. So successful did the new toys become that Hasbro has downright run out of characters to craft in plastic. It got to the point where they wheeled out Darth Vader figures with purple ectoplasm all over their faces, and now, it’s gotten to the point where they’re wheeling out C-3P0 figures with Salacious Crumbs all over their faces.
Hoping to make my prediction win/loss record a slightly more respectable 1-1, let’s go with this: In a year’s time, Hasbro will wheel out Bib Fortuna figures with heart-shaped red stickers all over their faces, citing some obscure fanfic penned by TaunTom13 as proof of its canon-correct status.
If nothing else, nobody could argue that this isn’t a stunning recreation of, uh, the scene where Salacious Crumb yanks out one of C-3P0’s robot eyes. Whether it’s an action figure that really needed to be made or not is another point entirely, but I think it did. Oh, if I had a nickel for all the times I mashed the original C-3P0 and Salacious Crumb figures together, knowing something was missing but never being able to pinpoint exactly what that something was. It’s so obvious now! Fucky eyes!
Sadly, Salacious Crumb’s method of attack could only be considered “clean and precise.” C-3P0’s popped eye looks less like battle damage and more like the way he lets other droids know that he digs the way they groove. I don’t know for sure if the green slime is movie-accurate, and I suspect that this trivia-related faux pas will be one of the first exhibits in the Judgment Day trial that ultimately sends me to Hell. Thanks a lot for adding that green slime, random Hasbro artist.
I found it difficult to take a picture of the pair without 3P0’s golden sheen creating a photo glare of historic proportions, so if you want to see what the figures look like from top to bottom, click here. Also of note: Along with of the two figures, you get a free commemorative coin. Of all the things in the world that a person could’ve commemorated, I think the scene in Return of the Jedi where Jabba’s monkey ate C-3P0’s eye had to rank really, really high.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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I have to admit, I really am looking forward to the Batman toys myself. As for Star Wars, call me when they release Twi’lek Dancing Slave Girls in School Uniform or Supergirl underwear.