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Moving on!

Of all the ’80s toy lines that could’ve potentially resurfaced, I don’t think I would’ve ever put money on Madballs. Turns out, I’m a shitty gambler. Madballs are back, and they’re every bit as gloriously gruesome and pointlessly pleasant as the obnoxious originals. (I’m a shitty gambler, but I’m awesome at Scattergories.)

One of the most amazing things about this Madballs relaunch is the honest attempt by Basic Fun to market them as “toys for kids.” Granted, that’s what they are, but I have to suspect that most sales will stem from those in and around my age — people who grew up loving ‘em, hoping to reclaim a lost glory or two. Though they’re sold at many of the twenty-something hipster shops as sheer novelty acts, Basic Fun has somehow managed to persuade traditional toy store chains to carry the beasts. Will the kids of today respond so positively? Probably not, but I can’t say that I mind walking through Toys “R” Us and spotting a shelf full of simple Madballs next to all of the toys with MP3 players and flash drives pouring out their asses.

While the new Madballs share names and appearances with the old guard, they’re more detailed, feature better paint jobs, and if I was at all objective, I’d have to admit that they’re superior toys. If I had to search for any gripe at all, I guess I’d say that they’re a little less “literal balls” than the originals were…meaning that the extra details and shaping made for toys that are ball-shaped, but maybe not necessary real balls. That’s a pretty awful and transparent gripe, loaded with testicular innuendo, and I can’t even stand by it two sentences later. Toss aside the rose-tinted glasses, and they’re every bit as suave as the originals.

Looking back, it’s easy to see why Madballs were so successful during their first run. While seeming to be a wholly unique product unlike anything else that entered a child’s life, they certainly borrowed from many of the time’s established toy trends. Like Garbage Pail Kids, they were neatly gruesome. Like Nerf toys, they were safe to hit people in the head with. My argument would be a little more solid with a third comparison, but I’m dry. Nevertheless, the original Madballs collection was perfectly suited for every type of small boy. If you were a hands-on sporty type who liked to run around and throw things at people, all was a go. If you liked to quietly build collections for display on an errant bedroom shelf, all was a go. If you fell into both categories, then all all was was a a go go.

Note that not every member of the original Madballs squad made the grade for a revamp. Chiefly missing is my personal favorite, Oculus Orbus, better known as “the eyeball Madball.” Since the packaging for the current lineup is clearly marked as “Series 1,” we can only assume that decent sales will lead to other dead Madballs being resurrected.

You can read more about Madballs on their official website, and don’t think that I didn’t notice the sheer cultural catharsis that comes with knowing that Madballs has an official website. I did, and it’s awesome, and I’m forever at peace.

Oh, and while I’m here, I guess I might as well dust off a peculiar toy that I’ve been keeping in my special treasure box for a rainy day. It certainly fits with tonight’s theme.

The original Madballs were no small effort, but at the same time, they were easy to craft on the cheap. This led to an incredible amount of rip-offs, imitators and bootleg collections. Many of these idea-swiping lesser-knowns didn’t just steal the concept — they went straight for the original AmToy characters themselves. Check out the bad ball above, obviously inspired by the Screamin’ Meemie Madball pictured way up above. Despite the cheaper mold, looser paint job and overall ambiance of crap, it was still a foam monster ball. In a pinch, bootleg Madballs sufficed just fine.

Plus, I guess it’s cool that Screamin’ Meemie has an understudy if someone with dirty hands comes over and wants to play with my Madballs. Not gonna sacrifice my top tier player when that blue-tongued shitball can fly right under the radar. So yes, dirty hands man…take my Madball. No, I mean the other one.

On an unrelated note, if TBS doesn’t stop running those fucking promos for The Office where the guy who had head-sex with the mother from Six Feet Under keeps saying the “T” in “TBS,” I’m not going to watch Family Guy reruns anymore.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!