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01/21/2008: Of Fruit Bars and Flying Tarantulas.

I wanted to begin this entry with some form of whimsical personal anecdote, but I’ve been living a pretty boring life lately. I suppose I could make something up. I spent most of the day catching wild tarantulas for use in a misguided science experiment where the ultimate goal is to grant these spiders the power of flight. Upon completion, I will remove their fangs and market them as friendly pets known as “Flyders.”

Here are two random ’80s commercials I dug out of my top secret database for no real reason:

Golden Grahams: I’m not one to discount the virtues of Golden Grahams, but the real reason I’m including this commercial is because of the cereal “premium” that came with it: A Fruit Corners Fruit Bar! If you weren’t around for the short-lived era of wonder brought forth by these completely holy snacks, the only barometer I can offer is this: Had I the means to build and use a time machine, zipping back to the early ’80s for a Fruit Corners Fruit Bar would take precedence over pretty much anything else.

Imagine chewing up about three dozen Fruit Roll-Ups and mashing the gunk into the rough shape of a candy bar. That was a Fruit Bar. They were beyond incredible, and I’m still convinced that their extinction has less to do with poor sales and more to do God punishing the public at large for its various sins and follies. These things were so. Fucking. Good.

Out of context, this is one of the most hilarious ads ever. After big sister triumphantly yanks the complimentary Fruit Bar from the Golden Grahams box, her disturbing little brother snatches it away, holds it to his face and snarls, “REAL UGLY.” I’m tempted to let you believe that this was some form of oddly mass-marketed epileptic non-sequitur, but the truth is, Fruit Corners was using the phrase in a sort of renegade advertising campaign. Maybe that’s why the treats failed. They were fruit snacks, not Garbage Pail Kids. Click here to download!

Snickers: I have no idea how I remember this commercial, but I definitely do. It was part of a larger campaign featuring several television spots where seemingly real people would tout the benefits of Snickers bars as energy boosters, which I suppose is true if you want to get technical, but they’re practically treating it like health food. Advertising laws are far stricter today, and commercials like this would never fly. My tarantulas, on the other hand…

As a kid, these ads had me genuinely believing that Snickers were to be considered as a positive food choice rather than a guilty pleasure. This particular commercial isn’t as ridiculous of some of the others that I can recall, which skipped the uppity music and chocolatey product shots in favor of totally straight-played faux testimonials. I guess I can appreciate that we now live in a world where the truth isn’t allowed to be so easily masked, but on the other hand, ignorance is bliss: Who wouldn’t want to eat a Snickers bar and be proud of it? Click here to download!

This was going to be a longer blog entry. I’d intended to include an off-season Ghost With The Most comic, but my hand and brain started cramping. Here’s a portion of the middle:

The storyline involved the ghost-with-pie refusing to allow the ghost-without-pie to have any until he properly sounded out the theme song to Unsolved Mysteries. But that should be obvious! As epic as the realization of this idea would be if taken to the limit, I’m just remembering that I have work in the morning. Zzzzzzzz.

That’s a sleep noise, not a bee noise. I’m not a bee.

You can still buy something similar to those fruit bars here in Canada, except flatter.

I remember that Snickers commercial so well. I was convinced that it was healthier than any other chocolate bar, so I always chose Snickers for snacktime during my goody-goody phase.

I think they’re still trying to push Mars Bars as “energy food” in Australia, which is pretty bad considering last one I ate made my head spin from so much sugar.

Wow, I just read the 2005 Ghost with the Most comic again and I cried laughing. It was like one giant acid trip… with ghosts!

When I’m really hungry and I’m looking for a candy bar, I always scan until I see a Snickers. Then I’m like “Oh yeah! Snickers are so satisfying. I’ll have one of those,” because I am damaged by old marketing.

Awesome blog, and 2 great ones in a row! Shame that I haven’t been so lucky in this past month…3 attempts and nothing so far.

“You can still buy something similar to those fruit bars here in Canada, except flatter.”

We have those here too, if you mean what I think you mean. They’re about four inches long, two inches wide, and pretty thin. Also delicious, but not quite a Fruit Bar. Fruit Bar was one of a kind.

Are you guys talking about Fruit to Go?
I always wanted to believe they were candy. but they’re still fruit in my mind. A kid in my class made up a song about them once ‘fruit to go, fruit to go, fruit to go’ and he’d run around the classroom proving the fruity goodness gave him energy. I guess it wasn’t really a song so much as running around saying the name of the snack. u get it.

Man, two blog posts in one day? I can barely keep up! (Not that that is a bad thing!)

I am good at drawing. Really really good. But I still admire your simple ghost drawings made in sharpie. You should get some blank white stock cards, whip up a bunch of ghost with the most greeting cards and sell them. I just signed up (this sounds like a cheesy commercial but trust me I aint trying to talk like an advertisement) with a site called Etsy.com that lets you set up a store that sells handmade products. Like art, handmade soaps, jewelery, etc.

I actually made my own store on this site and I am excited about making art to sell. It could bomb, it could be an instant success, or it could be in the middle. Either way I am treading slowly but I am optimistic at the same time. Yay for me.

Two entries in one day? It’s like I’ve been a good boy all year (all 21 days of it) and Matt’s playing Santa! Plus, I now know about The Ghost With the Most. Best MLK day ever!

I have to actually do something for school tomorrow. I should have written it up when I did it (at the beginning of last semester) but yeah I’m doing it tonight.

Any Wii owners getting Endless Ocean tomorrow? Only 30 bucks. Its like a relaxing scuba diving dolphin training aquarium sim. You dive in the ocean and swim through pirate ships and look sfor fish and touch them…and it has a new age music type of soundtrack. check it out on one of the game sites.

TWO in ONE NIGHT?! Matt, you over achiever. Is it bad that I own an MP3 of the Unsolved Mysteries theme?

The only time I will ever be caught watching Lifetime is when Unsolved Mysteries is on.

How adorable is that drop of Honey kissing that Graham?! I want a figurine of him - made with high quality, hard, very translucent, amber colored plastic.

The Fruit Bar kid… wtf? It doesn’t even look like he says the “ugly” line. He must be a ventriloquist in training. But that doesn’t make me want to punch him any less.

That Snickers ad cracked me up! I used to slice up my Snicker Bars like that when I was little, and somehow it made it seem tastier. I love how they all shredded the wrappers back as they were gnawing away, too. lol They’d never do that today!

In Middle School track, our coach was convinced that Snickers made acceptable snacks to bring to meets because they were so good for you. Worked for ME! This might be because I was the token out of shape asthmatic kid but hey…

Man, those fruit bars were SOOOO delicious. The best way I think to desribe them for those of you who never tried one would be to take your favorite preserves (not jams or jellies) and basically somehow turn that into a very thick fruit rollup in bar form. Best fruit snack EVER!

Speaking of Snickers and “health food” they now have that Marathon bar that’s supposedly is their version of a energy bar.

And on the subject of Wii, I’ll have to wait until Endless Ocean gets quite a bit cheaper. It looks like something I’d enjoy, but with No More Heroes, Smash Brudders, WiiFit, Mario Kart, and probably a bunch of other games coming out soon, I can’t afford it. And I still haven’t played Super Paper Mario or Zack & Wiki yet. And I have a bunch of Virtual Console games to play. Owning a Wii is too much work.

Matt,thats weird that you say that about snickers bars. I thought they were considered healither choice as a kid to because of that one soccer commercial where the guy is saying how much energy the snickers bar gave him. I think the soccer player was Tad Ramos.

Survey for the mega-nerds: How much do the audiences for Endless Ocean and Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition overlap?

I own Resident Evil 4 and probably won’t get Endless Ocean, but I do think it looks fun.

By the way, have you seen this game’s “Wii Experience” videos? They’re hilarious! They’re the opposite of Snickers commercial - they actually show you people mocking the game and struggling with the controls on the official Nintendo Website. It looks like they have these videos for most Wii games. I mean, yeah, sure it’s a little exaggerated - for instance, the people in the Boogie clips are smiling and laughing, but it’s still more accurate than most advertising.

I pre-ordered mine on Amazon a couple of weeks ago, I can’t wait. I’ve got a 50″ tv, a gaming chair, and a fresh ounce of green, I can’t wait to skin up, sit there, and just play.

I know what you mean. I have several virtual console games downloaded already, more on my shopping list, and 17 wii games. So far, the only one I’ve completed has been Super Paper Mario. Hell, “Escape from Bug Island” is still in its plastic wrapping.

Weird, speaking of Snickers for energy, my co-worker heard me digging through my change cup and he asked me if I was needing a boost (as we usually pound away energy drinks up here). Anywho, he handed me a Snickers Charged. I’ve never seen these before, but it might be old news to the lot of you, but it’s a Snickers with caffeine, taurine, and b-vitamins. We’ll see how well it works.

Wow! I used to love fruit bars. I remember the commercial:
“Fruit Bars… So good and ugly Fruit Bars.. So good… And UGLY! Made with real fruit make you taste buds shout, look so ugly gonna knock you out!”

If I’m using my time machine to go back for food, it’s all about TMNT puddin’ pies. Hostess brought back the chocolate pies, but no love for vanilla. Bastards!

I too was ( and… uhm, am) scared shitless of Unsolved Mysteries. That music gives me the chills and I get so, SO scared. Even just LOOKING at Robert Stack, and knowing he’s the Unsolved Mysteries guy scares me.
I’ve always felt that if I didn’t know about these MYSTERIES, I’d be safe. But NOW that I know about them- it makes me entitled to be a target, whether it be alien abductions or serial killers.

So i really like those commercials…they just put me at ease….like a nice xanax….those two aside, does anyone else have as much love as i do for that damn cheese commercial from probably the mid 70’s? or even the juice commercial where they guy told us all how to make healthy popsicles with an ice cube tray? they both popped into my mind last night at work and i got all excited, and no one knew what I was talking about. PS- Ghost with the most is my new favorite thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3jgo5ea_zc

Man, I turn my head for a day and there are multiple posts. How did that happen?

I would sell my soul for one of three reasons:
1) World peace
2) End hunger
3) Fruit Corners Fruit Bars

Happy belated b-day Mystie! I hope you didn’t take the day off yesterday but took it on! That’s an on going work joke.

This kid also needs RE:4. Im gonna wait to pick it up when my Wii comes in.
Good to see theres another Dethklok fan here!

Wow Matt! Go from one extreme from the other with the updates, mate!
We have the same advertising over here with ‘nutri-grain’ bars…they’re actually worse than a regular choccy bar!

Some fans of the original don’t hold this one as high in their eyes because there’s less of an RPG feel to it. You have full control of your attacks, there’s no “select your attack”, which apparently some people really miss from the original, I don’t. You still level up and all that crap though, which I’m totally fine with.

The game is pretty big, I’ve completed it in the sense that I’ve beat all levels, but I’m not 100% complete yet or even close.

I absolutely love Super Mario Galaxy, but I might go as far as to say SPM may be my favorite Mario Wii game. One of my favorite parts of the game is in the 3rd World (door) where you fall down between 2 red pipes right into the exact level from SMB1, World 1 - Level 2 (underground level), music and all. It’s awesome being able to fall into that level and then flip it into 3-d.

In some weird way, it satisfies your curiosity on what some of the old levels really looked like from Mario’s POV.

Oh, might help if I gave you an estimated time of completion. It took me about 40 hours to beat the game, though I did get distracted here and there with the several available side quests and mini-games.

Thanks nork! I definetly have to pick that up for the 3-D world-1 level-2 alone.

That Snickers commercial was great. I really do think it’s sad that we are so soft and so litigious today that we can’t have good old fashioned slick marketing campaigns. Every time I watch some good 80’s commercials I feel more like I’m a kid than when I’m watching most 80’s shows or movies.

When are we going to launch an 80’s channel one day, that caters to what we want as nostalgia junkies. Where is my Alf, my Silverhawks, my My Pet Monster the movie, all on the same channel with old commercials tied in?

“Here, have some peanuts. You’ve just been through a transferrence beam, you probably lost some protein and salt.”

“We’re about to go into hyperspace - it’s rather unpleasantly like being drunk.”
“What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?”
“You try asking that to a glass of water.”
– Sorry, couldn’t resist.

One of my favorite quotes ever.

Am I the only one here who has never seen any movie he’s ever been in (with the exception of catching a few moments of “The Patriot” when channel-surfing)?

Kaz, they have that Mars ad campaign here too. It basically says “Mars is a source of energy”, but then there’s fine print at the bottom of the screen saying “*Food Energy”, ie: Mars is a source of calories. I guess that’s not technically lying! But isn’t everything a source of calories other than, like, water?

I think it’s interesting that the chocolate companies are coming out with these “Powerbar” style things… vitamins aside, they’re just as sugar-laden as the originals, because glucose is the most readily-metabolized energy source and people who EXERCISE need the fuel.

My father does triathlons and he needs to bring granola bars and electrolytes on long bike rides because he’s burning so much energy. The guy is 6′4″ and barely 185 lbs. But I seriously doubt the average, non-athletic person needs such high-calorie food to get through their “intense” day of sitting at a desk. Why not eat a banana or a piece of bread? Must everything be in bar form?? :p

kittymao: Filming had already finished for The Dark Knight. I think he was doing a movie in London or something.

The Batman flick was in post-production, so they will probably still release it without cutting any of his scenes, only with an “in memoriam” at the end credits.

D’oh! Actually took the time to research my answer on IMDB, so I did not get to be the first to respond to Kittymao’s query.

I had only just heard about it- I guess I figured it was in the making.
Still- I find it so weird to watch movies of people who died young…

Matt, thank you. The ‘flyders’ just prove I’m not insane for my goals. Long live mad science!

I’ve stopped lurking to ask: Is that one of the Advent Calendar rabbits in the first image? Please say yes.

I so cannot get over Heath’s death - and with a two year old daughter too. It’s tragic.

Once in awhile the song from the Fruit Bars commercials will pop into my head. “Look so ugly, gonna knock you out! Sooo goood! And UGLY!” Kind of a funny campaign. It’s like that new Volvo car, where they use the ugliness as a quirky advertising point. Like the advertising guys just decided to run with it.
Speaking of commecials, I guess it is a testament to how many Saturday morning cartoons I watched in the 80s, because I do know a lot of the commercial jingles still. Pacman cereal, Monchichis, My Little Pony, My Buddy, Colgate Pump, to name a few. And certain events will trigger those songs to go off in my head. I guess I wasn’t influenced enough by them though, because of all of those I just mentioned, I only had My Little Ponies.

I remember those “Snickers satisfying” commercials too. But I never really went for them because the nuts don’t really turn me on. But here’s a funny equivalent campaign in Canada. Ads for Mars Bars had the jingle, “A Mars Bar a day, at work rest and play.” Like it was an apple keeping the doctor away! At least they coudl have said At work rest OR play, because it sounds like you should eat one three times a day, lol.

Thanks for keeping the Clover-spoils where they belong, btw. I was afraid to venture into the last 2 articles for fear the Cloverchat might spill over here, but nice to see it hasn’t. I won’t be seeing it till Saturday and thought about waiting till then before I read any more blogs, but I really didn’t want to wait that long to get my X-E fix. I was getting lonely over there, about 3 blogs ago.

Golden Grahams was my absolute favorite cereal when I was a kid. I could sit down and put away 3 bowls at a time, till I discovered Frosted Mini-Wheats, then it was all over. I’m all about the Mini-Wheats these days. Lately, I’ve had a kind of nostalgia cereal fit, where I’ve been eating a lot of kiddie cereals–bought some Cookie Crunch the other day. I’ve still got 3 boxes of Boo Berry and Frankenberry in the kitchen left over from Halloween and my B-day. I gotta get on that.

I’ve never liked fruit roll ups though. I know I’ll get stoned for saying that but I’ve always thought they were pretty gross.

If I had to pick a favorite candy bar, it would probably be a toss up between Snickers and a plain old Hershey’s bar. I love how the guy in the ad is so sincere. It’s like by eating this thing he’s on the right track to health. And then the jingle….”it’s so satisfyyyying!”

Toxikfoxx/Josh C, William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface…..a coworker got me the first season on DVD for Secret Santa. He was promptly fired like a couple of days after that. He had it coming cause it was an idiot, but hey, at least I got something out of it.

Resident Evil 4 might very well be one of the best games I’ve ever played. Definetly in the top 5, and that was just on the PS2. I can’t wait to get my PS3 (yes, the struggle is over, I’ve finally decided between PS3 and X-Box 360) and see what RE:5 is going to be like.

I just played a Wii for the first time yesterday. They had a demo set up at a gaming store with Super Mario Galaxy. It was really dissorienting at first. I’m not sure if I liked it, but I agree with what someone else said, that game might be worth it just for the old school Level 1 part. I imagine there’s a lot that can be done with that nunchuck deal. I’d like to play it if I had a friend that had one, but I don’t know, I guess I’m an old-fahioned controller kind of guy.

Fox, I’ve been trying to talk people into starting up an 80’s network for years. One day when I’m a media big shot I’ll get this thing off the ground. Just imagine what the Saturday morning lineup would be like.

Yeah, I just got home and saw the thing about Heath Ledger on the news. God, this sucks! I’m a HUGE Batman fanatic (comics, movies, you name it), and I’m really bummed out about this. I’m just glad we’re going to get the one Joker performance out of him. I just hate this means we won’t see it in future movies.

Oh God no! I’ve been having nightmares about Flyders for years now; don’t open that can o worms Matt!

it’s a bit weird but I’m guess not the only one who thought of Brandon Lee in his role as the Crow when Ledger was announced dead.

My brothers and I made up an alternative jingle for that Snickers ad: “It’s so sad, it’s crying!” (I didn’t claim it was particularly original!)

They have something like a fruit corners bar at target. It’s like fruit leather but thicker. I think it may be under target’s pseudo healthy brand whose name I unfortunately can’t remember.

Waiterbot doing a vlog that is a movie review of Cloverfield? BRILLIANT! I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming though.

Matt! I am trying to catch up on the advent calendar and I cant find it. Where did it go?

Oooh, Fruit Corners Bars! Haven’t thought of those in years, but yeah, they were heavenly. Mom would buy them because they were kinda good for us, at least more than chocolate. My sisters and I probably would have started a riot over that bar if it was us.

I do remember that commercial…and hey, Snickers is an energy food! Chocolate has caffeine, which gives you energy. Maybe not the healthiest way to do it, but it’s energy!

Ahhh! The ghosts! So glad to see them, even on lined paper.
I loved fruit bars, but I don’t think the really count as fruit, or food.

I thought I was the only one who remembered those things, you were right, they were like 12 compressed fruit roll ups compressed into a bar.

However do you have the original fruit bars commercial? I very vaguely remember one that stuff like bats and vampires.

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