I wanted to begin this entry with some form of whimsical personal anecdote, but I’ve been living a pretty boring life lately. I suppose I could make something up. I spent most of the day catching wild tarantulas for use in a misguided science experiment where the ultimate goal is to grant these spiders the power of flight. Upon completion, I will remove their fangs and market them as friendly pets known as “Flyders.”
Here are two random ’80s commercials I dug out of my top secret database for no real reason:
Golden Grahams: I’m not one to discount the virtues of Golden Grahams, but the real reason I’m including this commercial is because of the cereal “premium” that came with it: A Fruit Corners Fruit Bar! If you weren’t around for the short-lived era of wonder brought forth by these completely holy snacks, the only barometer I can offer is this: Had I the means to build and use a time machine, zipping back to the early ’80s for a Fruit Corners Fruit Bar would take precedence over pretty much anything else.
Imagine chewing up about three dozen Fruit Roll-Ups and mashing the gunk into the rough shape of a candy bar. That was a Fruit Bar. They were beyond incredible, and I’m still convinced that their extinction has less to do with poor sales and more to do God punishing the public at large for its various sins and follies. These things were so. Fucking. Good.
Out of context, this is one of the most hilarious ads ever. After big sister triumphantly yanks the complimentary Fruit Bar from the Golden Grahams box, her disturbing little brother snatches it away, holds it to his face and snarls, “REAL UGLY.” I’m tempted to let you believe that this was some form of oddly mass-marketed epileptic non-sequitur, but the truth is, Fruit Corners was using the phrase in a sort of renegade advertising campaign. Maybe that’s why the treats failed. They were fruit snacks, not Garbage Pail Kids. Click here to download!
Snickers: I have no idea how I remember this commercial, but I definitely do. It was part of a larger campaign featuring several television spots where seemingly real people would tout the benefits of Snickers bars as energy boosters, which I suppose is true if you want to get technical, but they’re practically treating it like health food. Advertising laws are far stricter today, and commercials like this would never fly. My tarantulas, on the other hand…
As a kid, these ads had me genuinely believing that Snickers were to be considered as a positive food choice rather than a guilty pleasure. This particular commercial isn’t as ridiculous of some of the others that I can recall, which skipped the uppity music and chocolatey product shots in favor of totally straight-played faux testimonials. I guess I can appreciate that we now live in a world where the truth isn’t allowed to be so easily masked, but on the other hand, ignorance is bliss: Who wouldn’t want to eat a Snickers bar and be proud of it? Click here to download!
This was going to be a longer blog entry. I’d intended to include an off-season Ghost With The Most comic, but my hand and brain started cramping. Here’s a portion of the middle:
The storyline involved the ghost-with-pie refusing to allow the ghost-without-pie to have any until he properly sounded out the theme song to Unsolved Mysteries. But that should be obvious! As epic as the realization of this idea would be if taken to the limit, I’m just remembering that I have work in the morning. Zzzzzzzz.
That’s a sleep noise, not a bee noise. I’m not a bee.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
My dad informed me.