Holy Mary, we’re getting dangerously close to Christmas. It really kinda flew by this year, didn’t it? I’m getting the feeling that a lot of people just want it to be over and done with, but I could go for another 2-3 weeks. This may be the first year that I make a genuine attempt to forgo my usual post-holiday blues and try to extend the Christmasness until the actual end of December.

Growing up, I always felt a little dirty and ashamed after Christmas. I’d always spend December thinking about nothing but presents and our family’s big party, completely neglecting my schoolwork to the point where it was a given that my grades were going to be total shit for the winter quarter. My notebooks were always a giant mess throughout December, and I’d pretty much dog it on every test and homework assignment until the holidays were out of my system. By 12/27 or so, it’d hit me: Christmas was over, school was coming back, and I had a shitload of work and explaining to do.

Obviously, living as an adult in the real world taught me that such attitudes don’t fly, but I still always feel like I’ve done something wrong when Christmas finally passes. Or maybe it’s just that there’s a void when you can no longer live through your tinsel and trees. Or maybe January just sucks. It’s cold, it’s decidedly non-merry, and I waste around 5,000 checks because it takes me at least three months to remember that the year has changed.

I can’t believe that I’m only just finding these now, without any prior knowledge that they even existed. These extremely cool SweeTarts “Squeez” bottles are 100% Christmas, bearing holiday tributes both in design and flavor. I’ve seen a ton of candies with a vaguely North Polian twist, but this one may trump ‘em all. “Mystery Squeez Slush” caters to two very important markets: People who want a little holidayness in their candy flavor names, and people who don’t want to know what they’re eating. I consider myself a card-carrying member of both of those markets; thus, “Mystery Squeez Slush” is my new god.

If you’ve never had a SweeTarts Squeez, they’re essentially half-sized toothpaste tubes, filled with sour-flavored goo instead. Though I expected the “mystery” flavor to be something negotiably within the Christmas palette (Peppermint, maybe?), it’s actually a lot closer to lemonade. Lemonade doesn’t have much to do with Christmas, but then, neither do SweeTarts.

I’d also like to take this time to draw attention to the ice blue touches on the packaging. I absolutely love how ice blue has entered the secret club of acceptable Christmas colors. Red and green are nice, but sometimes, situations call for a color a little less pupil-dilating. Every time I see something in this shade of ice blue, I feel like I just took a shower.

Thumbs up! As far as special holiday editions go, this one clicks on all cylinders: It’s got the Christmassy packaging, a limited edition flavor with ties to Santa, ice blue highlights, and the perfect size for stuffing a stocking.

Hey, remember that Charlie Brown Christmas tree replica I wrote about last year? Well, Urban Outfitters is at it again, this time with the “Authentic Whoville Tree,” from Dr. Seuss’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Since it’s already a few dollars cheaper than Chuck’s older model, I guess my initial reaction was on the money: A Whoville tree probably isn’t iconic enough to drive anyone batty with joy.

The novelty tree is around two feet tall, with the correct bunch of stringed ornaments, curvable branches, and a perpetual drooping tilt. The only problem is that…well, if I didn’t tell you that it was a Whoville tree, would you have known? Maybe, but most wouldn’t: They’d just think it was an ugly, misshapen fake tree picked up from a closeout outlet. That’s not the kind of impression I want to make for twenty bucks, so it’s fortunate that I have no friends and nobody will see this thing on top of my wall unit.

I exaggerate. I consider the UPS man my friend. And maybe the casino host at Bally’s.

Click here to see the Whoville tree’s big cardboard box, or here if you’re interested in buying one. They’re especially nice if you have an errant corner shelf just waiting for the right objet d’art. We don’t have such a corner shelf, but I like it well enough anyway. It’s kooky. Slanted trees are kooky!

The Advent Calendar has been updated for December 18th. Yes, I realize that this is the 19th, and I’ve only got four hours or so to stay on deadline. Joke’s on you: The entry for the 18th was posted well over twelve hours late. I’ve already missed one deadline, so there’s no sense in becoming reliable now. I’m free to cavort with the other procrastinators and party till my eyes water. See ya in Hell, suckers!

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!