We found out late last week that Christmas dinner was going to be at our apartment this year. For the woman’s side of the family, at least. I hope this doesn’t necessitate of a slight curtailing of the usual amount of alcohol downed at my family’s party on the Eve, but even if a little voice told me that it did, I’d probably ignore it.
I was completely fine with this turn of events at first, but I think that was just blind optimism. We’ve gone from having a casual stroll through the holidays to needing to write up gigantic lists while hopping from grocery store to grocery store trying to pick up the little necessities that always seem to sell out when you’re trying to obtain them a week before Christmas. What, does everyone on the planet need plastic cups? Can’t anyone just use real glasses? We would, but I don’t think I want to make her family drink from my collection of Star Wars Burger King cups, or those frosted Batman Forever McDonald’s mugs. After all, it’s Christmas, and Christmas isn’t about watching everyone fight over who gets to drink from Two-Face.
So far, the biggest bone of contention between us has been over what we’re going to serve. Her family’s tastes are very American, while I was brought up on gluttonous Italian Christmas dinners where no dish is complete until it has incorporated at least three ingredients that will offend half the people at the party. Take the stuffing, for example. She’s of the mind that we should keep the stuffing simple, and dare I say, of the Stove Top variety. I could live on Stove Top all year long, but on Christmas, stuffing isn’t complete unless it’s got sausage marbles, apple chunks and raisins peppered all over it. And keep in mind, I hate raisins and apples in stuffing. It’s just the way it has to be. I mean, if I wanted to eat Stove Top stuffing for Christmas, I’d make my car run out of gas near a Holiday Inn on the morning of the 25th.
Still, I’m kind of excited about doing it. It’s the first time we’ve hosted a major holiday party, and as host, I’m at full liberty to correct the many things my own family has clearly done wrong for so many Christmases. For one, I plan to have Christmas music blaring throughout the entire soiree, no matter how much it drives everyone nuts. For two, eggnog will not be something that just sits sealed up in the refrigerator as a lark until I finally find one or two lost souls willing to have “half a glass” with me. No, this time, I’m putting out the freakin’ bowl and I’m going to stare down everyone at that table until they discover its true glories.
And if you’re pressing me to come with a “for three,” let’s go with this: Christmas specials on the television throughout the day.
I mentioned our little snowstorm a few entries back, completely forgetting that fact that many of you live in climates that have completely precluded you from ever touching the funny white stuff. I can’t imagine that. I feel for you. Fortunately, some two-bit company from someplace or another has seen fit to deliver us from the evils of snowless societies with a little kit that will let anyone create and play with a substance that, on a stretch, passes as actual snow!
The “Super Snow” kit consists of a little baggy of magic powder, and if I were you, I wouldn’t try bringing it through airport security. By stirring even a small amount of powder with a few ounces of water, an icy, sticky and sopping wet mass of snow-like alien gel will form!
If the process sounds exciting, I have some evidence to disprove that: Check out this video, and note how even the most hard-driving action music couldn’t save it from being the most boring two minutes in YouTube history. Then again, it’s not the process that we came for…it’s the reward.
As you stir, the water and powder will join hands and transform into a white blob that looks sort of like really clean oatmeal, and incredibly, it works very much like real snow: You can roll a snowball, make little snowmen, and if the mood strikes, I’m pretty sure that you can eat it without dying.
In reality, the substances used to make this “instant snow” are borrowed from another purpose. The snow gel is actually more often used as plant soil in dry areas. I’m not making this up; it says so right on the back of the package. Then again, the back of the package also claims that Super Snow can be used at parties, weddings and festivals. They may have taken a few liberties. Sure, it could be used at a wedding…but for what? Did the upstart tradition wherein man and wife consummate their contractual bond by making fake snow together somehow escape me?
All in all, I was really surprised at how well the stuff worked. I was expecting a gloppy, powdery mess, but the faux frost really does feel like the end result of some foreign utopia’s ten year research expedition. I really can’t think of a single way to improve the stuff. It’s not poisonous, it looks like snow, it feels like snow, and it’s kind of shiny. Those are the four hallmarks of any item worth purchasing.
I found my Super Snow in an actual store with real doors, but it looks like there are plenty of online options. True, it might be a bit late to be ordering the stuff for Christmas, but I think snow is safe to enjoy in January without anyone telling you to get over yourself.
The Advent is technically up to date so long as I put #18 up before midnight. Vegas odds never favor me, though. I’ve got a few others things that need to be covered before Santa arrives, lest I be left with a big plastic bin of “stuff to write about” that has to rot in the closet until next Christmas. Maybe another blog entry later today? Vegas says no, but we’ll see.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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Ah well, it is all good fun and what kind of vacation would it be without the risk of pnuemonia???
Matt: So you mean someone’s finally made GOOD fake snow? Awesome! Last time anyone in the family got non-spray fake snow the results just looked like some sort of translucent gel-substance… Really disappointing, it was.