EDIT: Advent #15 is up.

I've got a bit of a red wine slosh going as I write this, which I would normally welcome, but as I need to head into Adventland immediately following this entry...that extra glass probably wasn't the best idea. Perhaps writing about Charlie Brown dolls and Atomic Fireballs will help sober me up? It's worth a shot.

No holiday spread is complete without at least one weird decoration that dances while blasting music, and this year, we've got a new Peanuts sleigh to fill that quota. Though this isn't the most productive use of a twenty dollar bill, there was just no resisting it after getting an in-store demonstration of how pressing one of Snoopy's paws sends him, Charlie Brown and Linus on a merrily spastic dance adventure to the tune of various Christmas songs. In a neat touch, the Christmas songs ("Jingle Bells" and "We Wish You A Merry Christmas") are mixed with traditional Peanuts themes to create mutant holiday music that you just can't hear anywhere else.

The plush dolls look pretty cheap (Chuck in particular looks like something you'd win at a Guatemalan arcade), but their inner electrogizmos are top notch. They dance and move with as much vigor as can possibly be expected from plush dolls. In fact, that vigor was legendary enough to inspire me to create this video of the madness. Granted, they aren't armed with a vast variety of dance moves, but I guess, when you've got two guys, a dog and a bird trapped together on a single sleigh, there are only so many body parts you can afford to move before things start to look obscene.

Fruitcake time -- aren't you excited? I've covered these "Holiday Fruitcakes" from Hostess on the site before, but only with passing mentions, and never with photos that weren't blurry. Fruitcake's reputation as a shitty and corrupt dessert is an opinion held in the United States alone, and even then, it's been more than a little exaggerated by the entertainment industry.

Then again, I'm willing to admit that fruitcake is more fun to look at than it is to eat. Screw the taste...these things are pure art. I mean, how often to do you see those rare green maraschino cherries incorporated into anything? For that end alone, fruitcakes are worth celebrating. I wouldn't have even known that green maraschino cherries existed if it wasn't for fruitcake.

Growing up, I had this one aunt who would always bring gingerbread-style houses made of fruitcake to our Christmas Eve parties. The housecakes were enormous and ridiculous, mixing ingredients that should never be mixed, and taking up so much space that we couldn't even put them on the dining room table. Whenever I flip through my family's photo albums, all of the old Christmas pictures have the vague outline of a fruitcake/gingerbread house lingering off in the distance. Nobody ever seemed to eat them, and now that I think about it, I didn't even realize that they were meant to be eaten until I was much older. As a child, my prime directive was coming up with some way to steal the fruitcake house and use it as a holiday-themed base of operations for my G.I. Joe figures.

The Hostess version of fruitcake is obviously dumbed down for mass audiences, but it's got it where it counts: The cakes are absolutely saturated with everything but cake, from candies to cherries to nuts, and at least a few things that I swear are mashed up dead flies. As I find my palette growing more and more open to things I once found disgusting, I have to say, the stuff really isn't that bad. I don't know how anyone can eat more than a slight sliver of the stuff, but maybe that's all we're meant to eat.

I dunno. Holiday parties always include a few foods that have to be there regardless of the level of interest from the people attending those parties. Fruitcake is one of them. Even if it's no more than a negotiably edible decoration, it's still got its rightful part in the play.

This is the kind of coverage that provides X-E with its fringe and edgy reputation.

I'm really digging that I'm still finding new "official" stocking stuffer toys so close to Christmas. I don't know much about Tech Deck Dudes, but they've unleashed at least one figure with a holiday thematic. His name? "Snow Ballah." His game? Fucked if I know, but he comes with a little skateboard and he's dressed like a snowman. I'm an easy sell; it usually won't take more than that.

A little research tells me that the Tech Deck Dude figures are just extras, and that the real selling points are actually the little toy skateboards. "Fingerskating" is apparently a much wider reaching phenomenon than I've previously given it credit for, having raised its own weird subculture with annual competitions occurring on every continent. Just more proof that there's a market for every idea. Look for X-E's collection of "Speed Hats" to debut in Spring '08. Each set will include two hats and a scorecard. The goal is to put your hat on quicker than your opponent. Speed Hats will arrive in several colors and styles, and I'm gunning for the Winter '08 releases to include glued-on felt antlers.

Click here to see Snow Ballah in his neat little package.

Finally, we have a pair of those plastic-ornaments-filled-with-candy. They're nothing new, but I can't believe I found an Atomic Fireballs version. Fireballs! They were as good as cash among my fifth grade classmates and I, and I've long wondered why the more recent generations of children haven't looked upon them with the same level of intrigue and respect as mine did. Sure, there are hotter candies out there. Sure, there are candies that taste better. There may even be a few candies that are somehow more red than these. But are those candies named after fireballs, much less fireballs of the atomic variety? I think not. What's in a name? Everything, if you're named after a atomic freakin' fireball.

Think I'll call it a night. Happy SNT, if you're here for it. The Advent Calendar is technically up to date as of this writing, though I have a sneaking suspicion that #15 won't be posted until after midnight. Better late than never, better good than early. Contrary to my hope shots, writing about candy and Linus hasn't sucked the red wine from my bloodstream. I still feel like my new main goal in life is to melt into the couch with nothing but a throw blanket and my eyelids to shield me from the outside world.

Quick note: I've been doing a lot of blog entries this season, so much of our holiday coverage has already scrolled off the main page. If you want to see the rest, start here. If you want to see the breast, start here.

Posted by Matt on 12/15/2007. E-mail me!