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Super Holiday SNT!

I wanted to post this earlier, but today's Advent Calendar entry took forever to finish. Still, it's never too late for a...


We got a custom logo for it and everything. You know the shit's on. It occurs to me that it's already December 8th, leaving just over two weeks before the decorations become passe and Target stops mixing snowflake graphics in with their typical bullseye montages. People say that time seems to move more quickly as we grow older. I'd like to find these people, shake their hands and congratulate them on being absolutely correct even though there's no logical explanation for it. (Of course, there probably is, and I'm sure someone will point me to the scientific study that shows why. I won't shake their hand, though. You don't give handshakes to people who tell you you're wrong.)

Too often, we're too caught up in our own bullshit to stop and smell the temporary scents that make this season so special. I am guilty of this. I'm surrounded by disarray: Boxes of decorations I've yet to put up, bags of Christmas presents I haven't wrapped or even just stored away in a closet so I can avoid tripping over them...heck, I haven't even snagged a single Coke in one of those fancy glass bottles this year, despite knowing that the Christmas season cannot officially begin until I do. This is a reminder, to me and to you: January sucks, so don't waste December.

Tonight's Super Christmas SNT is a chance for everyone to make a little something of a nothing night. Next week, let's challenge ourselves to live the season, not by typing about it or reading about it or watching it on television, but by...

...well, I'm not sure what we should all do. I'd tell everyone to go find their nearest live manger, but really, can watching a goat chew hay around a Jesus statue kill a whole night? If we consider it a case study, perhaps it won't seem so arduous.


On with the show! First up for the Super Christmas SNT, I've got two really lousy and boring old Christmas commercials for your viewing pleasure. The videos you're about to download have much in common. They both aired in 1991, they both share a Christmas thematic, and both videos are almost too grainy to tell what is happening in them.

First up, Crystal Eggnog! I would've found this ad repulsive in '91, as I didn't develop my taste for eggnog until...I don't know...like two weeks ago. According to the commercial, Crystal Eggnog is infinitely superior to its competing brands, which are represented in the commercial by a lone, white carton marked with "BRAND X" text. They exaggerate, but as they've now gone and reminded me of that awesome scene in Batman where the Joker cut into every channel's TV broadcast, I'll give them a pass.

Next, a fifteen-second spot for York Peppermint Patties, which were made available in red and green to celebrate the holiday season. I'm not sure if they were referring to the packaging or the cool, minty stuff inside the chocolate candy shells. Had Mr. York already developed red and green minty stuff by 1991? My memory fails, but that seems more like a 21st century-level achievement.


I've kind of hit a point where I don't need to shop for new Christmas decorations. We have enough of them. According to most, we have too many of them. Still, there's no conceivable way for any sane human being to turn down a Christmas decoration as sense-assaulting as this.

Remember that awesome "Vader building a Death Star" snowglobe I wrote about last year? Well, Darth has returned for the 2007 season with an all-new sphere of godliness, and it's almost as cool as last year's! Disregarding the almighty sight of Darth Vader in a Santa hat, the real treat in this new version is Santa Vader's "naughty or nice" list. Composed of various characters from Star Wars lore, Vader has successfully marked all of the hero characters as "naughty," leaving only Emperor Palpatine, Governor Tarkin and other villains behind to reap the rewards of Christmas.

Most impressive (I didn't mean the pun, really) is how thorough the list is. Palpatine and Tarkin...that's one thing, but this list has characters as vague as Zuckuss and General Veers! That I own a Christmas decoration with even a tiny connection to General Veers is something I will remind myself of the next time life deals me a shitty hand. I mean, this is just incredible.

There's more!


From Fisher-Price, here's another stocking stuffer meant for small children that I found no shame in buying for myself. The tiny-sized, Christmas-colored "Doodle Pro" packs the same wallop as the larger, non-Christmassy versions. If you've never played with a Doodle Pro, it's like an Etch-A-Sketch minus the sense of accomplishment.

With a pen and a clear canvas, it's pretty easy to forge art with this thing. Perhaps too easy. Whenever I was able to churn out even a single recognizable object with an Etch-A-Sketch, it was cause for celebration. I practically felt like I could fly. That aspect is missing here, but on the other hand, it's nice to knock out a square or a rectangle in less than four hours.


Finally, we have Reese's Peanut Butter Trees, which replace the standard cups with you-know-whats, all in the name of Santa. I'm not digging through the blog archives to figure out when I first mentioned this, but fun-shaped Reese's cups are a good idea in theory alone. Without the glorious feeling of jagged, corrugated cardboard striking your gums as you munch along the edges, something doesn't feel right. I think Mr. Reese knew this; why else would he be trying to compensate with double-sized Peanut Butter Trees?

Indeed, it's a massive beast. Here's a photo of one of them, along with a battery for scale. That battery died when I was halfway done taking pictures for this entry. As I'm quite late in posting this, I'm sure you could imagine what my reaction to this development was. It seems silly to take the Lord's name in vain over something as trivial as a dead battery, but Jesus Christ, I'd been through enough.

Tonight's Super Christmas SNT is on, and it's got a survey attached! In the comments, talk about your random Christmas/holiday memories. We've done this one before. I'm not talking about the time someone saved your life on Christmas Eve, or anything that epic or life-changing. I'm talking about little things. Random, special little things that didn't seem like much at the time, but have nonetheless remained with through the years. Stuff that happened both up to and on Christmas is applicable. I've got a few, but I'll save them for the thread.

Posted by Matt on 12/08/2007. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 250 comments
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I don’t know the full ingredients of eggnog, and I keep thinking one must be raw eggs, which makes the substance creepier. I still won’t touch it.

Little Christmas things? I don’t know where to begin, really. I gain at least fifteen more small pleasant memories every season. Making homemade ornaments in 1993, creating a Christmas videotape in 1997, creating my web-chronicle of Misfit Christmas Specials today…each year I do something I can remember pleasantly down the road.

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 12/09/2007 2:06 AM

Jon – ME TOO! My thoughts exactly.

Jedoc – Tried it. It HAS to be yarn.

Coolest Xmas morning ever: My brother wakes me up early, as always. The house is freezing, since the woodstove would have burned out hours ago…we always put on extra big sweaters and socks before heading out into the living room. So, this one morning we head into the living room, anxious to see what Santa has brought. Lo and behold, there is a whole goddam Popples TENT that is completely SET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM. This image is forever etched in my brain, and I was 5 at the time.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/09/2007 2:06 AM

Hey all! Happy SNT! Hope everyone is well.

Hey Muppet Baby, I understand the feeling of the Holidays not being complete after losing some people in your family. My mother lost both of her parents during the Christmas season, so it is always a little bittersweet for her. My grandfather passed away on December 23, 1987. He had battled a long illness, so in a way everyone was relieved that his suffering was over. Believe it or not, my grandmother died nearly exactly ten years later. She had also battled a long illness, so again it wasn’t unexpected, but it was strange that she passed just a few days before Christmas 1997 as well. So twice I’ve been to funerals on the days immediately following Christmas. I can’t believe I just realized that it has been exactly ten years again, Matt is right, time does fly as you get older.

OK… so onto an actual enjoyable Christmas story (sorry about the earlier one). We would always gather at my mother’s parents house on the evening of the 25th for our gift exchange with aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins, etc. As a kid (maybe until I was eight or nine) I used to have a habit of drinking out of the glass my mother was using – weird habit, I know. So during this particular gathering my mother and many of my relatives were in the kitchen at the table, sipping on beverages and talking, laughing. I ran in from the living room, parched, and instead of asking for a drink of my own I grabbed my mother’s glass and basically chugged the entire thing. I became aware, as I was nearly finished, that the attention of the table was focused squarely on me, and apparently I wasn’t in on whatever joke they were all laughing at. My uncle was fighting back tears as he chocked out, “did you enjoy your Mom’s rum and coke?” My eyes widened and I didn’t really know what to say. It was an accident, so no one could be mad at me, and honestly, everyone thought it was pretty damn funny.

I can’t recall if I felt any different after downing the beverage. Now that I am much older, and I have seen firsthand how my mother makes her drinks (incredibly weak), I guess I should not be surprised that I wasn’t slurring my speech or falling over the coffee table.

So yeah, Christmas day was when I had my first alcoholic drink, albeit accidentally. Actually I think it is time I hit up the kitchen and continued the tradition!

Merry X-mas all!

Chestnuts roasted by Magic Toy @ 12/09/2007 2:08 AM

Sorry, about the double post, I meant the lights “went” out. I hate when that happens!

Chestnuts roasted by Donata05 @ 12/09/2007 2:10 AM

A few of my odd Christmas memories:

Age 3– Looking up at the faces of my cousins (all older) and the grown-ups, and they were all singing this song about Jingle Bells, and I was really confused because I didn’t understand how my WHOLE EXTENDED FAMILY knew this song that I had never heard.

Age 5– We did one of those drawing names and giving one gift that year, and my cousin Millie gave me a box of crayons with a built-in crayon sharpener. I wanted one of those boxes so badly and got far too excited. Scared the hell out of Millie, who kept saying, “It’s crayons… jeez.” I nearly threw up on her– that’s how excited I was.

Age 25. My boyfriend, who is from NZ, and I went to Christmas dinner with his family. After dinner, his sister said “Let’s show Jemmy the mud hole!” So we went on a walk “downtown” in this tiny little NZ village, and they showed me the blue dairy, the pink dairy, the yellow dairy, and the mudhole. Yep. It’s a hole full of mud. But now, whenever I make it there for the holidays, I always ask to see the mud hole after Christmas dinner.

Not as cool or as funny as all your stories, but I like these memories.

Chestnuts roasted by Jemmy @ 12/09/2007 2:21 AM

One year after opening all of the gifts, my Dad wanted to continue in the spirit of giving. So, he puffed up with pride and told the family that HE was going to cook breakfast. So, we all stayed in the living room, watching ‘A Christmas Story’ and playing with gifts, listening to the sounds of Dad banging pots and pans in the kitchen and singing one Christmas Carol after another. Finally he yelled, “it’s ready” and we were treated to a beautifully set table and an amazing breakfast. This was the FIRST meal my Dad had ever cooked.

Now, every year, my mother refuses to cook and my Dad grudgingly carries on this tradition. We always say, “but don’t you remember LAST year? This is a tradition so you have to.” Poor Dad has now cooked breakfast for like 17 years in a row.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/09/2007 2:33 AM

Hmmmm… Random Xmas memories…

Well, there ws one time back in grade school, there was an art project where we’d make little santa-heads out of nylon bits, stuffing, buttons and felt… Mine looked like a potato with a smokestack coming out of it. Surprisingly, it’s one of the longest-lasting homemade ornaments I ever made.

Chestnuts roasted by DocDragon @ 12/09/2007 2:46 AM

squee – searching target . com is revealing nothing! I am panicking!
MATT- where did you get that snow globe?

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/09/2007 3:02 AM

Target! Today! $15!

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 12/09/2007 3:03 AM

Hmm. I didn’t quite miss what I thought I was missing :(

I have disagree 1000% with you Matt. Reese’s when they’re in different shapes have a higher peanut butter to chocolate ratio that makes them delicious, with Eggs and Pumpkins being the best and the new Footballs going too far. Regular reese’s cups are gross.

Chestnuts roasted by dohopoki @ 12/09/2007 3:19 AM

When I was four I used to go maybe once a month to a place called Center for the Arts to do some art project. For Christmas we made the stupidest ornaments ever. One was a styrofoam ball with toothpicks sticking out of it. Every time it gets put on the tree someone comments on how it looks like Sputnik. The other was a three inch piece of yellow pipe cleaner bent like a candy cane with like 15 little squares of construction paper with holes punched in the center sitting in the middle of it. I feel like they had nothing planned for that lesson and just told kids to make “ornaments” out of whatever scraps were left from other classes. Only everyone had to make the same weird thing, so it was clearly intentional.

Chestnuts roasted by clumsyonice @ 12/09/2007 3:28 AM

I can’t tell you what my best or worst or even most memorable experiences were, as I’m always in that Christmas high and don’t know what the fuck is going on but I love it.

The best moments are always the ones around midnight Christmas eve that I wish I could take back. You know, when you hear your parents talking or finishing the shit up, and you try to fall asleep but end up looking at your clock every half hour.

$15 bucks? That’s a wee bit steep for a Target decoration… but it IS the Vademan…

I’m probably gonna end up putting it in my cart and putting it back because I’m a pussy. Definitely won’t be putting those Reeses trees back, though, no sirry.

Chestnuts roasted by Cotter @ 12/09/2007 3:30 AM

Damn, I have been searching the Target website, credit card in hand and wanting to buy that snow globe, but I can’t find it! There are a zillion star wars products and all the usual searches are getting me nothing. I live in Canada, so I can’t go to a real Target to look for one. :(

I have so enjoyed SNT tonight thus far. Think I will now have to watch something “Christmas-y” before bed.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/09/2007 3:40 AM

I must have that snowglobe. Must Must MUST. It’ll go with my other Vader crap collection. Next time I’m out shopping.

As for Christmas memories…the KofC christmas parties in which my backwards little ass had to do the craft meant for the little kids because I wasnt handy enough to do the proper one for my age stands out. As do the times my father was roped into playing Santa at those things.

Also, getting Vince the talking pig(Of Peewee fame) from Santa Claus one Christmas really rocked. I loved that stupid thing so much.

Chestnuts roasted by Skywalking @ 12/09/2007 3:55 AM

I can’t believe I missed SNT. A friend stopped by and well, I never got a chance to check in.

Let’s see if I can come up with some memories.

My grandma used to cook gumbo every Christmas Eve and then we would walk around the neighborhood to look at lights. We don’t do that anymore. I guess when everyone grows up and moves on, the traditions go away.

One year my dad bought identical stocking stuffers for my sister, my stepmom, and me. He wrapped them each and we had to feel the outside of them and guess what they were. Whoever guessed correctly first won a dollar. I won $5 in that game in addition to getting gifts. It was pretty cool.

Chestnuts roasted by GloomyJack @ 12/09/2007 4:09 AM

I just thought of another great one that I can’t believe I forgot. See, my parents divorced when I was four, and my dad has always been sort of sporadically part of my life. (I’ve gotten used to this and it doesn’t bother me too much.)I didn’t see him from the time I was seven, until shortly before Christmas when I was twelve. Then out of nowhere one day the phone rang, and it was my dad wanting to take me out shopping to buy me things for Christmas. Apparently he wanted to atone for five years of absence in one shopping trip. If he tried that today it wouldn’t fly, but when I was twelve? Hell yes it did!

Since I hadn’t seen my dad in years I made my mom come along for the trip to make sure he hadn’t turned into a crazy kidnapper or something. My dad said he’d buy me whatever I wanted so long as it wasn’t something crazy like a computer or something. So basically I dragged him through Walmart making him buy me all kinds of crap. It probably all came to well over a hundred bucks. (Don’t think I was too bratty – my dad had not paid child support those entire five years and I knew it. I would never have done this to my mom or grandma.)

Anyway I had a blast picking out random crap I never would have asked my parents (as in my mom and grandma) for. The two main things I remember getting were a box set of the first six Simpsons episodes on VHS, and a handheld electronic Jeopardy game. The experience was so cool just because it was literally like dragging Santa Claus around and making him give you whatever you wanted right then and there.

I did eventually develop a semi-decent relationship with my dad, but he still totally deserved whatever hideous credit card bill that trip may have created.

Lesson to parents, part 1: Your kids know when you fuck up, and they will hold you to it.

Lesson to parents, part 2: Never, ever take a preteen girl shopping and tell them they can have “whatever they want”, because you will be very, very sorry.

Chestnuts roasted by jazzy @ 12/09/2007 4:10 AM

one of my favorite christmas memories was back when the sega genesis was first released.. – my parents went to bed, leaving my brother and i alone in the living room with our new game system.. – i remember vividly that all of the lights were off besides the blinking ones on the tree, and the illumination from the TV screen.. – our first batch of games were actually pretty under the radar releases, but we were too young to know that, so late into the night we played Target Earth (seek out the ROM, it’s worth it), Last Battle, and of course, Altered Beast..

Chestnuts roasted by Review the World @ 12/09/2007 4:26 AM

A few years ago I realized that I had no jacket whatsoever. Sure, I had a couple hoodies, but for the most part I just froze in the short Houston winters unless I decided to wear something my dad wore in his college years. You know, the old raggedy gray hoodie. Everybody has one somewhere.

So a few years ago my aunt, who is usually my supplier of Xbox 360s, Nintendo Sixty Foooouuuurs, PSPs, etc., got me a pretty nice jacket. It isn’t gold plated or anything, but it was green, which is a perk since it’s my favorite color, but not a slap you in the face green like the walls in my bedroom or on my T-shirt, or the 80s-styled T-shirt I indirectly forced my high school orchestra to wear by designing (in addition to creating a terrible pun)…

No, this was actually a pretty basic jacket, but the quality was high. Receiving it was one of the happiest moments of my life, which I find pretty sad and apparently I made my aunt so happy she started to cry. This made me a pretty guilty, because if I got super-excited over a $60-140 jacket, I must have been an asshole when I got that Xbox.

Here’s a much shorter one, and it even happened in the same year! My brother and I had to pick up some Christmas Eve dinner groceries on Christmas Eve Eve, and my mom told us to go to Randall’s. (it’s a grocery store chain that isn’t quite as big as H-E-B) So my brother and I drive out, and I’m pretty tired since my dad woke me up to do this. I didn’t realize, but my brother, who had spent his first semester away at college, drove to the wrong Randall’s. The one he drove to was farther away, and further into the ghetto than our basically-adjacent-to-a-church-and-freshly-remodeled Randall’s. We still got all the stuff, but we had no idea where anything was. =P

Chestnuts roasted by Ben @ 12/09/2007 4:43 AM

Shuanfu: I thought your story was very sweet, not dorky in the least. :)

I’d like to share a couple of my Christmas memories before I go to bed:

My dad’s side of the family used to play board games or Jenga or Scattergories after Christmas lunch. That was always my favorite part of having to go to that grandmother’s house for the holidays because I pretty much hate(ed) her. And the best part of playing games was when my cousin, Shelly, would complain about her boobs getting in the way of leaning forward to move her piece.

As a kid I was obsessed with Christmas trees. One of my favorite things to do was go into the living room late at night and lay down under the tree, looking up through the lighted branches until I fell asleep. (To this day I still enjoy laying under a lit Christmas tree and just thinking or listening to Christmas music.)

“Santa” used to leave me notes by the plate of cookies. Usually it was something like “Dear Kasi, Thank you for the cookies, they were delicious! Did you make them yourself? My reindeer loved the carrots and celery. I wish I could stay, but I’m going to your friend Josh’s house next and then to give toys to other good boys and girls. Be a good girl and I’ll see you next year! Love, Santa Claus and Rudolph.”

Chestnuts roasted by Special K @ 12/09/2007 4:53 AM

Review the World,

Ah, the early Genesis days. I remember those games well. I rented them, well, except for Altered Beast (obvious reasons). Our first batch of games was Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, Space Harrier II, and Thunder Force II. Funny thing, I got Tommy Lasorda Baseball for that Christmas. My brother and I had used a razor blade to remove the game from the wrapping paper and the cellophane that sealed the game. We knew we could seal it back up convincingly in the wrapping paper and were sure that, in the madness of gift opening on X-mas morning, our parents would never notice the cellophane seal was gone.

We were right. We played the game for two or three hours in early December when our parent’s were gone. We didn’t tell them about that for years.

Oh, I just remembered the name of the second game we opened before Christmas… Super Hang-On.

Chestnuts roasted by Magic Toy @ 12/09/2007 4:54 AM

The reason time seems to pass more quickly as we get older is because we have more years under our belt. For a two year old, a year is half his lifetime. For a twenty year old, a year is a mere twentieth.

There. Logical explanation.

And by the way, I feel your pain, Matt. It seems like yesterday I was packing away last year’s Christmas decorations.

Christmas memories to come if I think of any good ones.

Chestnuts roasted by RageTreb @ 12/09/2007 5:17 AM

Also, Vader didn’t cross out Lando’s name, so his list either isn’t finished or he wrote it during the events of Empire Strikes Back.[/nerd]

Chestnuts roasted by RageTreb @ 12/09/2007 5:23 AM

You know, we could live Christmas by doing things for other people, like shopping for Toys for Tots and things. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Moony @ 12/09/2007 5:32 AM

Weirdest X-mas memory I have is 3 years ago when I came home early, actually on Christmas Eve, instead of afetr New Year’s like I was supposed to. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming, I just showed up. And evidently my family had decided to hold off another week on buying me any gifts since they thought I wouldn’t be there. So I guess they scrambled to find something to get me.
The most noteable swag that year? A bottle a Jagermeister, a carton of cigarettes, about $20 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets, and a Target gift card.
The gift card was probably gonna be sent in a greeting card to one of my cousins or something, and I guess the only place that was open on X-mas Eve was a liquor store.
All in all, probably the most useful gifts I’ve ever received.

Chestnuts roasted by Gypsy77 @ 12/09/2007 6:25 AM

Old Jim:

Haha…I was a fairly precocious child…I watched the world news nightly with my mother and I was pretty voracious in consuming facts.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff Mack @ 12/09/2007 9:03 AM

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