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Super Holiday SNT!

I wanted to post this earlier, but today's Advent Calendar entry took forever to finish. Still, it's never too late for a...


We got a custom logo for it and everything. You know the shit's on. It occurs to me that it's already December 8th, leaving just over two weeks before the decorations become passe and Target stops mixing snowflake graphics in with their typical bullseye montages. People say that time seems to move more quickly as we grow older. I'd like to find these people, shake their hands and congratulate them on being absolutely correct even though there's no logical explanation for it. (Of course, there probably is, and I'm sure someone will point me to the scientific study that shows why. I won't shake their hand, though. You don't give handshakes to people who tell you you're wrong.)

Too often, we're too caught up in our own bullshit to stop and smell the temporary scents that make this season so special. I am guilty of this. I'm surrounded by disarray: Boxes of decorations I've yet to put up, bags of Christmas presents I haven't wrapped or even just stored away in a closet so I can avoid tripping over them...heck, I haven't even snagged a single Coke in one of those fancy glass bottles this year, despite knowing that the Christmas season cannot officially begin until I do. This is a reminder, to me and to you: January sucks, so don't waste December.

Tonight's Super Christmas SNT is a chance for everyone to make a little something of a nothing night. Next week, let's challenge ourselves to live the season, not by typing about it or reading about it or watching it on television, but by...

...well, I'm not sure what we should all do. I'd tell everyone to go find their nearest live manger, but really, can watching a goat chew hay around a Jesus statue kill a whole night? If we consider it a case study, perhaps it won't seem so arduous.


On with the show! First up for the Super Christmas SNT, I've got two really lousy and boring old Christmas commercials for your viewing pleasure. The videos you're about to download have much in common. They both aired in 1991, they both share a Christmas thematic, and both videos are almost too grainy to tell what is happening in them.

First up, Crystal Eggnog! I would've found this ad repulsive in '91, as I didn't develop my taste for eggnog until...I don't know...like two weeks ago. According to the commercial, Crystal Eggnog is infinitely superior to its competing brands, which are represented in the commercial by a lone, white carton marked with "BRAND X" text. They exaggerate, but as they've now gone and reminded me of that awesome scene in Batman where the Joker cut into every channel's TV broadcast, I'll give them a pass.

Next, a fifteen-second spot for York Peppermint Patties, which were made available in red and green to celebrate the holiday season. I'm not sure if they were referring to the packaging or the cool, minty stuff inside the chocolate candy shells. Had Mr. York already developed red and green minty stuff by 1991? My memory fails, but that seems more like a 21st century-level achievement.


I've kind of hit a point where I don't need to shop for new Christmas decorations. We have enough of them. According to most, we have too many of them. Still, there's no conceivable way for any sane human being to turn down a Christmas decoration as sense-assaulting as this.

Remember that awesome "Vader building a Death Star" snowglobe I wrote about last year? Well, Darth has returned for the 2007 season with an all-new sphere of godliness, and it's almost as cool as last year's! Disregarding the almighty sight of Darth Vader in a Santa hat, the real treat in this new version is Santa Vader's "naughty or nice" list. Composed of various characters from Star Wars lore, Vader has successfully marked all of the hero characters as "naughty," leaving only Emperor Palpatine, Governor Tarkin and other villains behind to reap the rewards of Christmas.

Most impressive (I didn't mean the pun, really) is how thorough the list is. Palpatine and Tarkin...that's one thing, but this list has characters as vague as Zuckuss and General Veers! That I own a Christmas decoration with even a tiny connection to General Veers is something I will remind myself of the next time life deals me a shitty hand. I mean, this is just incredible.

There's more!


From Fisher-Price, here's another stocking stuffer meant for small children that I found no shame in buying for myself. The tiny-sized, Christmas-colored "Doodle Pro" packs the same wallop as the larger, non-Christmassy versions. If you've never played with a Doodle Pro, it's like an Etch-A-Sketch minus the sense of accomplishment.

With a pen and a clear canvas, it's pretty easy to forge art with this thing. Perhaps too easy. Whenever I was able to churn out even a single recognizable object with an Etch-A-Sketch, it was cause for celebration. I practically felt like I could fly. That aspect is missing here, but on the other hand, it's nice to knock out a square or a rectangle in less than four hours.


Finally, we have Reese's Peanut Butter Trees, which replace the standard cups with you-know-whats, all in the name of Santa. I'm not digging through the blog archives to figure out when I first mentioned this, but fun-shaped Reese's cups are a good idea in theory alone. Without the glorious feeling of jagged, corrugated cardboard striking your gums as you munch along the edges, something doesn't feel right. I think Mr. Reese knew this; why else would he be trying to compensate with double-sized Peanut Butter Trees?

Indeed, it's a massive beast. Here's a photo of one of them, along with a battery for scale. That battery died when I was halfway done taking pictures for this entry. As I'm quite late in posting this, I'm sure you could imagine what my reaction to this development was. It seems silly to take the Lord's name in vain over something as trivial as a dead battery, but Jesus Christ, I'd been through enough.

Tonight's Super Christmas SNT is on, and it's got a survey attached! In the comments, talk about your random Christmas/holiday memories. We've done this one before. I'm not talking about the time someone saved your life on Christmas Eve, or anything that epic or life-changing. I'm talking about little things. Random, special little things that didn't seem like much at the time, but have nonetheless remained with through the years. Stuff that happened both up to and on Christmas is applicable. I've got a few, but I'll save them for the thread.

Posted by Matt on 12/08/2007. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 250 comments
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First?

One year my grandma bought my mom several bottles of baby powder for Christmas. That was interesting.

Chestnuts roasted by jazzy @ 12/08/2007 9:09 PM

Ooh, placeholder thread! I will comment on the survey later. Consider this a placeholder. (See what I did there?)

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 12/08/2007 9:11 PM

One year my grandmother bought every member of the family these fleece-type-product vests that zipped up.

We were all like aw hell no. She wore hers out of spite and we always gave her crap about it.

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 12/08/2007 9:14 PM

Happy SNT!!

Every Christmas since I was little I hide Stripe from Gremlins in my parents Christmas tree. My brother would get angry because he didn’t think Santa would come if a monster was hiding in the tree.

I liked to do it because not only was it creepy for Stripe the Gremlin to be peeking out amongst the Christmas cheer. But it was also a sort of “Where’s Waldo” each year.

Chestnuts roasted by Joker @ 12/08/2007 9:15 PM

One holiday, either Thanksgiving or Christmas, we were visiting my grandmother and she prepared a very large meal. Half way through the meal, the rolls ran out and she went into the kitchen to get some. As she placed them on the table, she said, “Careful, these rolls are butt hot.” Nobody in my family could figure out out what my grandmother might have meant to say, including my grandmother herself, but we’re all pretty sure that she didn’t mean to describe the rolls as “butt hot”.

This description is so hilariously funny to everyone in my family, but, apparently, less so to people who aren’t or to people who marry in. Seriously, it’s kind of sad how often we bring up the “butt hot” rolls.

Chestnuts roasted by Karen @ 12/08/2007 9:17 PM

I remember the Christmas Eve where I got the Go-Bots command center. I remember it made a weird beep (I guess it was the intruder alarm) when you pressed the button on the head. Also I remember the previous Christmas when I got Jabba the Hut (1983?). Go Jabba!

Chestnuts roasted by T-Hohs @ 12/08/2007 9:18 PM

please, god, tell me none of the above jibberish is an anagram i need to start working on.

Chestnuts roasted by velouria_78 @ 12/08/2007 9:19 PM

Karen: I find the phrase “butt hot” to be unreasonably hilarious. Only logical explanation: I must be a lost scion of your family. You should write me into the will immediately.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 12/08/2007 9:20 PM

Jazzy, I once gave a gift of talcum powder to someone for Christmas after the previous day telling them about a prank involving switching talc and powdered milk and having someone put it on wet skin. Best expression I’ve ever gotten from a gift.

Christmas memories…walking in the middle of the road on Christmas morning, each year for the last seven, because there is no traffic in town. So quiet, and everybody is so wonderfully polite.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 12/08/2007 9:21 PM

Each year for the past 12 years or so, my cousins Christopher and Karen, and myself, have gone into NYC to see the tree at Rockefeller Center and go “shopping” (really just walking through the stores without buying much) on Fifth Avenue a couple of days after Christmas.

Anyway, one year, we were getting ready to cross the street by the Rockefeller tree, and an old woman fainted just as she stepped off the curb. I don’t know what it was, but Chris made a joke about “Maybe she’s dead!” that made Karen and I laugh. I know it’s mean, but every year since then, Chris always makes a joke that maybe we’ll see another old lady faint when we get near the tree.

Chestnuts roasted by Old Jim @ 12/08/2007 9:21 PM

I’m currently building a gingerbread house with my friend. I try to make one of these every year. And then it’s a battle to see how long it survives on the drive home.

As for holiday moments, my favorite thing since I was a kid was going out and looking at Christmas lights. My mom used to take me once a week or so. And I still go out every other day or so. My neighborhood is all blinged out in twinkle and inflatable snow globes and shit. It’s awesome.

Also, my dad hid a BB gun behind the jukebox in our living room when I was 8. We finished opening presents and he was all “Hey Brian…what’s that behind there?”

OH MY LUCKY STARS, it was an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and ‘this thing’ which tells time.

Imagine that. What a cornball…

Chestnuts roasted by Brian @ 12/08/2007 9:23 PM

velouria_78: “Oasis asia soap ask ass oak poo ai.” I’m definitely sensing some hidden meaning here.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 12/08/2007 9:23 PM

Happy SNT! I am going to out to eat and ignore my friends while I think about the greatest Christmassy thing ever and then post it when I get back. ;)

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 12/08/2007 9:25 PM

Jedoc, me too…we’re meant to buy a brand of asian soap called “Oasis”, which we can ask for at any branch of Asian Soap Suppliers, which will make your posterior smell of trees, rather than less pleasant aromas. In the words of Ali G “Ai”.

Matt sold out to subliminal product placement!

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 12/08/2007 9:29 PM

You wrote ass! :O

Chestnuts roasted by Ben @ 12/08/2007 9:29 PM

I’m chilling with some peeps for a bit, but will be back in an hour to check in for the goodness!

Chestnuts roasted by Shuanfu @ 12/08/2007 9:31 PM

Hmm. Well one year my aunt took me on the Christmas parade in a heated bus that was a part of the procession. It was pretty neat, especially since everyone else was freezing and we were toasty. :) I also have a memory of the GoBots command center- I took it off into the guest bedroom while everyone else was eating and my cousin helped me put on the decals. That was fun – low light, quiet toasty room and a brand new toy playset just for me. Ahhh Christmas. Still up for the SNT BTW, waiting on Polar Express to start.

Chestnuts roasted by Terror Claws Cole @ 12/08/2007 9:31 PM

Karen: That is a great story. I’m picturing a sweet, tiny old lady suddenly blurting that out, and it’s hilarious.

One of my favorite memories is from last year. My great aunt passed away a few months ago, so it was her last Christmas. Every year she hosted a huge Christmas party for her husband’s entire family, plus us and a few other people from her own. At last year’s party, just as we were sitting down to dinner, a few last-minute guests walked in the door carrying gifts and trays of food. My aunt was still in the kitchen, so we invited them on in, thinking she knew them but we didn’t. They started looking around at us, and seemed very confused. Suddenly my aunt popped back into the dining room and it dawned on us that she didn’t know them either!

See, my aunt lived in one of those large gated communities where all the houses look pretty similar. This family had been looking for another party happening the same night, but weren’t sure where the house was. When they saw all the cars around my aunt’s house, they were sure it was the right place, and since we’d been letting people in all night, we just yelled “C’mon in!” when the doorbell rang! When they left, we all kept laughing and joking that we should have just told them to stay since they brought food :D

Chestnuts roasted by jazzy @ 12/08/2007 9:32 PM

Here’s the fanart again, in case anybody missed it.

Chestnuts roasted by TB Tabby @ 12/08/2007 9:32 PM

A group of kids from my ‘grade’ in school carol singing door to door, who would ring the doorbell and all we could hear in the street was them only singing “We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year” and nothing more. When pressed for more, they’d sing the same thing!

Also, in the village where I grew up (or older, at least), they would have a charity collecting Santa who would come around on a lorry bed attached to a tractor, blasting out Christmas music and surrounded by cheap outdoor lights.

Or, the year that the schools Christmas party resulted in several kids, myself included, coming down with food poisoning from undercooked sausages.

Chestnuts roasted by Guise @ 12/08/2007 9:40 PM

I have a question. did/is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation playing tonight on NBC? I am expecting it to play any saturday now I was just wondering which one. I don’t watch NBC enough to catch a commercial for it.

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 12/08/2007 9:43 PM

I remember the year my sister got a new stocking. Her old one was a pink-and-white lace-trimmed rag doll print, which is a bit embarrassing when you’re a very sophisticated twelve-year-old. Mom (who is a fantastic seamstress and made all of our stockings) told her she wouldn’t have a new stocking ready before Christmas. Well, imagine my sister’s surprise when she raced downstairs on Christmas morning and found a brand-new stocking sporting a dapper penguin in a top hat holding her goodies! My youngest sister and I knew what she didn’t – Mom finished the stocking earlier than planned and decided to surprise her. I’m glad she did. The look on my sister’s face was just priceless.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 12/08/2007 9:44 PM

I for some reason always remember this weird moment:

I was in third grade or so and after school my mom, siblings, and I went to the store to get new ornaments. We put them on the tree and before I went to bed, the tree was lit in the darkness of the living room.

It was the 17th and for the first time in my young life I realized “Before I know it, Christmas will be over.” Then I suddenly became aware of my own mortality and how fast life will be probably feel.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff Mack @ 12/08/2007 9:49 PM

Oooh one more!

As a kid I was dragged along most of my mom’s shopping trips. Suddenly a woman appeared next to me, browsing the Christmas cards, that looked exactly like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka. I thought it might be her but then thought…nahh, she’s from England.

Thanks to the internet, I found out later in life that Charlie Bucket (whatever his name was) owns a farm here in upstate NY and that Veruca comes to visit him during the Christmas season. So maybe it could have been her?

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff Mack @ 12/08/2007 9:54 PM

As a xmas tradition my brother, my wife, and I would go do last minute shopping on xmas eve. We went to the mall and ate at friendly’s. I got this Southwest burger (no longer on their menu). We did our shopping, went home, then to bed. I woke up at 4 am spilling xmas cheer from both ends with the ferociousness of an olympic shot-putter. Food poisoning is the worst xmas gift ever.

Chestnuts roasted by Bob @ 12/08/2007 10:04 PM

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