I’ve long been obsessed with survival kits. There is a very slim chance that I will ever need one, but there’s something about being able to cram all of life’s bare necessities into tiny little boxes and bags that’s strangely appealing.

If you’ve seen one of these kits, you’ve seen ‘em all. The contents include everything a person would need to survive if caught in the wilderness for a night or two: Fishing gear, ready-to-eat meals, foil blankets, flares, first aid equipment, water and so forth.

More recently, I’ve become completely enamored with an adorable spin on such kits. There are a number of people who have perfected the art of fitting entire survival kits into empty Altoids tins, and the results are totally incredible. Picture it! You’re lost in the woods with no way to get in touch with the outside world, and your only chance for survival lies in the contents of an Altoids tin! Actually enduring that probably isn’t much fun, but imagining it is a blast.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the things, ultimately realizing that I wouldn’t stop thinking about Altoids survival kits until I made one myself. Only problem is…what would I do with it? I don’t rock climb, I don’t camp, and if my car broke down on the side of the road, it’s a safe bet that a gas station would be just a short walk away.

So, I’ve modified the formula. I created something that isn’t a physical survival kit, but a mental one. Something that could help me survive terribly long car trips, or surprise stays at boring hotels. I’m so proud of my creation, and I sincerely believe that it’s something everyone should have on their person at all times. Without further ado, I present to you: X-E’s Sanity-Saving Altoids Survival Kit!

My goal was simple: Stuff as much entertaining crap into an Altoids tin as humanly possible. Diversity was of utmost importance. I wanted things to do, things to eat, things to drink, things to play with…I wanted a foolproof cure-all for boredom, all crammed into a peppermint-smelling Altoids tin. Personal mileage may vary, but I think I’ve succeeded.

Should you decide to create your own Sanity-Saving Altoids Survival Kit, remember to be creative! You can draw from my experiences, but whatever you stuff into the tin with should appeal to your own sense of fun and good taste. Below is a breakdown of my kit’s contents, and yes, I absolutely swear that everything fit into one Altoids tin…

1) Listerine Pocket Pak: Not only is this a high tech, low rent way of brushing one’s teeth, but I find that it’s impossible to be bored when you’ve got a slice of turbocharged Listerine zapping every nerve in your mouth.

2) A Die: Sure, a pair of dice would’ve been better, but space is a luxury in an Altoids tin. Still, even one die can provide hours of entertainment. If you’re sharing your Sanity-Saving Altoids Survival Kit with a buddy, you could surely come up with countless games. Example: You both keep rolling until someone gets a five. The person who gets it has to sing a song of the winner’s choosing, no matter how horrible it is.

3) Beef Jerky: In terms of food, I wanted something that reflected “real” survival kits. Jerky is perfect — it doesn’t need to be refrigerated, it doesn’t go bad, and if you shop around, you can even get it in a swank teriyaki flavor. My kit includes a rough handful of the stuff, neatly packed in a tiny-sized Ziploc.

4) A Cigar: Most stores sell a few cigar brands small enough to fit into an Altoids tin, but you could always cut down a bigger one if not. Cigars are a great way to kill a few minutes, and best of all, you’ll be kind of tired and sleepy when you’re finished smoking it. You won’t mind being bored when you’re done smoking a cigar.

5) Matches: Ostensibly for the cigar, though you may come up with other uses. Since a full pack of matches would eat up too much of the tin’s real estate, I simply cut off a third of a pack. It has enough matches to get by on, and even the shortened striking strip still works just fine.

6) Crossword Puzzle Pages: Absolutely key! Unless you’re really good at crossword puzzles, these will keep you occupied for a long while. I ripped out and include two pages from a random crossword puzzle book. One of the pages has a puzzle on each side, while the second page has the answers. Two full puzzles, with answers, and you’ll barely waste any tin space on it!

7) Fruit Stripe Gum Stick: Fruit Stripe’s flavor doesn’t last anywhere near as long as most of the other “stick gums” out there, but it’s fucking Fruit Stripe. I cannot survive without Fruit Stripe.

Big Red Gum Stick: A more sophisticated flavor, in case you run into any other lost souls and need to make sure your tongue doesn’t smell like beef jerky.

9) Vial of Sambuca: Yes! After emptying out one of those small glass vials of ginseng that most stores seem to be carrying these days, I was free to fill it up with the alcohol of my choosing. You get a full shot’s worth, so choose wisely. I went with Sambuca, as even a single shot of that is enough to put me in the mood for a nap. If I was stuck on a ten hour car ride with nothing but my Sanity-Saving Altoids Survival Kit to keep me entertained, I’d want something to help induce a nice, happy coma.

10) Paper: Essential! Use it to create a little travel log of your adventure, or to play Hangman with anyone tagging along on your adventure. I went with five heavy stock index cards, trimmed to fit inside of the tin.

11) Pencil: Sharpened down to a tiny size, this is a must-have. You don’t want to get stuck cursing God because you forgot the mandatory tool for use with paper and crossword puzzles.

12) Brick of Clay: A simple lump of clay in a little baggy. It isn’t big enough to create any grand clay fantasy lands, but just having something to play with goes a long way.

13) Stickers: Mainly for vandalism purposes. If you’re stuck in a junky car or a bad hotel room, you may as well mark your trek with unforgiving, permanent stickers. Someone might clean them off later, but there will always be a wee bit of sticker residue left to prove that you were indeed once there.

Thirteen items, one tin: That’s X-E’s Sanity-Saving Altoids Survival Kit. I’m already thinking of different items to throw in next time — everything from drowsy cold pills to tiny-sized decks of cards. What fun! If you have any suggestions on what else might be added to this most important kit, please, fire away!

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!