As much as I hate dredging up bad memories of the unfinished Cobra’s Chia Plot, I can’t let another holiday season go by without paying a straight up tribute to the almighty Chia Pet.
Because it is THE POTTERY THAT GROWS!
For whatever reason, the Chia Pet and The Clapper, both products of Joseph Enterprises, just seem to be forever intertwined with Christmas. Growing up, it was a safe bet that you’d see television ads for both products thirty times a day throughout the holiday season. While that aspect of their Christmasosityâ„¢ has worn off, they’re still pushed as “perfect presents” at just about every department store on the planet.
Due to their rather unpretentious packaging and the fact that both products have remained virtually unchanged since their debut, Chia Pets and Clappers hold a strange, nostalgic appeal for me. Of course, my personal interests lied more in Chias than Clappers. The ability to turn lamps off without dirtying my hands was one thing, but a strange creature that sprouts grass? Reviewable!
This isn’t my first Chia Pet, though it wasn’t until adulthood that the beasts finally entered my life. I asked for them year after year, but Santa Claus would never oblige. Never could figure that out. They’re cheap, they’re easy to find, and they pave way for on-topic reiterations of the famous “Ch Ch Ch Chia” ad jingle. Why wouldn’t anyone buy me one? Did they think it’d be too messy, or difficult to grow? Was it karmic payback for all the times I’d been a dick?
Despite my adult experiences with Chia Pets, I never did make good on that childhood dream of raising one during Christmastime. 2007 is as good a year as any, and I know I’m not alone, so consider this your official call to arms. If you too have spent life correlating Chia Pets with Christmastime, go out and buy one. Right now. If you follow the directions correctly, your Chia lamb/ram/sheep/Homer will have a full head of greeny goodness just in time for Christ’s mother to bring home the Cookie Puss cake.
Nothing good comes without sacrifice, and in the Chia Pet’s case, that sacrifice refers to the grueling, day-long waiting period you must endure before getting to do anything fun. You’ve gotta let the Chia soak for a solid 24 hours, at which point his clay skin will have absorbed enough water to turn him into a sheep-shaped soil bed. Similarly, the Chia Seeds need time to develop. Over the next day, the seeds and water will merge together to form a fun, gloppy gel. By the time they’re finished doing that, the Chia Pet will be ready for slathering. That’s the fun part. We stay for the sprouting greens, but we come for the slathering.
I’ll give you an update on my Chia Pet’s progress when he stops being naked. Join me in this Christmas Chia making mission, and together we will craft a new holiday tradition for the world to welcome and share.
And as if you needed another reason to buy a Chia Pet, note that mine came with a free clock, shaped like a Chia Pet, which sings the Chia jingle when the alarm goes off. I ask you, 9-5′ers: Unforgiving beeps, or the Chia song? I know which one I’d rather wake up to.
PS: There was another new blog entry made earlier today! Don’t neglect it!
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
Did the Chia Pet/clock combo come from Tar-J? I saw “The Clapper” there the other day.