Went to 7-Eleven tonight on a hot tip from a reader, and though it turned out that what he was tipping me off about won’t be there until tomorrow, I managed to find something to help salvage the trip: Glasses that turn every point of light into Santa Claus!
They’re goofy as all fuck, but believe it or not, they work! The glasses look like the kind of thing you’d be handed before a 3D movie, but instead, the effect transforms any point of light (as in, a Christmas light, a street lamp or what have you) into the vague shape of Santa’s head!
It’s kind of maddening to wear them for more than a minute, but I’m impressed with how well they function. If I was ten years younger, I’d totally drop acid, sprout wings and fly to the PNC Bank Arts Center’s drive-thru Christmas Village with a pair of these babies on. Since I’m old, all I can do is look at the ceiling lights in our kitchen and giggle in my head.
7-Eleven had a few different versions available, which turned points of light into other Christmassy things. They’re a bit of a ripoff at $2.99 a pair, but if you challenged me to name a cheaper way to make all forms of illumination look like Santa Claus, I’d fail.
You know, I’ve had to buy Moon Sand around a dozen times for various nieces and nephews over the past year or so, and I’ve often wondered what the fascination was. Sure, the ability to mold sand stands tall as an opus-level achievement in human progress, but I just couldn’t comprehend why so many of the kids I knew wanted this stuff more than a video game. Now that I’ve held it…I know.
The smaller-sized package of Moon Sand shown above is sold as a stocking stuffer at Target, and presumably at other stores too, unless Target has some kind of screwed up ironclad monopoly. To celebrate the holidays, the Sandpeople have themed their wares with a “Garland Green” color. They also had a red version, but I can’t recall which fun Christmassy adjective they prefaced it with. “Rudolph Red,” maybe?
Okay, so now that I’ve actually played with Moon Sand, I understand the attraction. Ever spend a few minutes crushing one of those stress-reliever balls in your hands? Remember how hard it was to resist slicing ‘em open with an exacto knife to find out what was inside? Well, Moon Sand is a safe, nontoxic, non-staining version of what was inside.
It’s a lot like Play-Doh, but dare I say, this stuff is even more fun to work yours hands through. If you’re trying to create a freeform piece of art, Moon Sand is a difficult medium. It holds its shape better than real sand, but not by a big degree. That’s where the plastic molds come in. This set included a little Santa Claus mold, which worked really well and helped me achieve my secret lifelong goal of crafting a Santa Claus out of green sand. Thumbs up on this stuff, especially as a stocking stuffer. It just has an intangible stocking stufferyness about it, y’know? A “Slinky from the future” kinda vibe.
I’m not a good enough writer to properly convey how amazing these holiday-themed Swedish Fish are. Nobody is. The interesting thing is that the Swedes barely even did anything. They added green candy to a bag that’s usually all red, and threw a few pictures of fish wearing Santa caps on the package. That’s all they did, and somehow, it’s one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever been privileged enough to see and eat.
Thankfully, for the holiday bags, they utilized the tiny-sized versions of Swedish Fish. I love Swedish Fish in any size, but it’s indisputable that the tiny ones are better than those big, floppy ones. There’s really no rhyme or reason as to why; it’s just the way it is. I know that the different sizes share the same genetical makeup, but it doesn’t matter. Small Swedish Fish > Large Swedish Fish. Write it down.
In other news, we finally took out our Christmas decorations. While it’s always a joyous experience, this year involved a few bouts of depression. The woman and I agreed that it was time to take a more Buddhist approach to our way of living, and forced ourselves to throw away three giant black garbage bags full of Christmas decorations that nobody in their right mind should own. I realize that this might seem like a sacrilege to some, but you can’t imagine the level of crap that I’m talking about. Years ago, we spent a lot of time going to yard sales and thrift stores, and let’s just say…if it was under a dollar, we bought it, no matter how ugly, how broken or how dirty it was.
I’ve mentioned this recently, and it really wasn’t a lie. I’m cursed with assigning very real souls to the stupid objects that enter my life, and I can almost hear them squeak with horror when I try to throw them away. Still, if all of those ridiculous housecleaning reality shows taught me anything, it’s that I won’t miss this stuff when it’s gone. (And by that I mean…REALLY gone. Still miss it when it’s in the trash bag, and I still miss it when it’s in the trash can on the curb. Only after the garbagemen come am I truly free of my burdens.)
We spent much of the night arguing over what should stay and what should go. Obviously, we each had our favorites. I’m going to call my girlfriend’s decision to hold onto a gigantic bag of empty-but-used gift boxes from three hundred years ago her biggest offense of the night, and I have a pretty good idea about what she’d call mine.
Oh COME ON. How could anyone possibly get rid of something like that? I could write a 500-page book about how this one small item manages to represent absolutely everything that is great about Christmas.
My cheap plastic “Christmas Corsage With Closure Pin” now hangs on our living room wall, still packaged. And it’ll be back next year.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
!
Damn you all for your constant messages.
Now I feel like gettin blotto on ‘nog and writing inappropriate messages about my hidden feelings regarding my alternate universe where I try to win Matt’s heart.
Sounds like an epic novel comin’ on…