McDonald’s has had several wintery Happy Meals in the past, but none have quite matched the awesomeness of 1995’s “Totally Toy Holiday” campaign.

By 1995, my Happy Meal years had expired. I’m a self-loathing geek to some degree, and once I hit a certain age, I could never bring myself to order a meal meant for six-year-olds. Only after I got my driver’s license was I able to enjoy the magic of a cheeseburger with a free toy, because then I could just use the drive-thru and limit the sight of my shame to the one person working the pickup window.

That’s an extremely long way of saying: “I’m pissed that I was too old for this promotion.” It’s one of the best Happy Meal collections I’ve ever seen, and kids who got into it had the chance to receive “mini” Christmas presents all throughout December.

Basically, McDonald’s got in touch with all of the major toy companies they’d previously established rapport with, and instead of building a holiday Happy Meal around any one specific toy brand, “Totally Toy Holiday” gathered up giveaways from eight different lines, covering boys and girls from toddlers to fourth graders.

One “boy toy” and one “girl toy” were available for each week of December, and obviously, it was a crapshoot. Some of the toys were much cooler than others, and if a boy had his hearts set on, say, the Mighty Max freebie, he either needed a lucky first outing or the ability to convince his parents to let him eat at McDonald’s for four weeks straight.

That was part of the thrill. Kids didn’t have online resources to tell them what would be available on any given week, and though word-of-mouth maybe helped a few of them along, the “Totally Toy” Happy Meal was a lot like gambling. You had to pick your spot. Most parents weren’t willing to “serve” fast food too often, so kids had to roll the dice on when they were going to push for a visit to Ronald’s house.

Let’s run through the eight toys and see how they stack. There’s an obvious survey attached to this entry: If you were of age in 1995, which of the offerings would you have gunned for?

Hot Wheels “North Pole Explorer”: This is a weird one. What appears to just be a nice, ice blue tank-looking thing splits open to reveal a crude playset, where kids can use a hidden lever to make a tiny blue car navigate the frozen tundra. The playset’s mold is basic (it’s a Happy Meal toy, after all), but there are some details: I can spot an igloo, and what’s either a fortress or a pair of giant escalators that lead to absolutely nowhere. Hm.

I wouldn’t have actively sought this one out, but considering my slight fetish for semitransparent glittery blue plastic, I don’t think I would’ve tossed it out of the bed, either.

Cabbage Patch Kids “Cabbage Patch Playset”: Over the course of these toy reviews, you’ll notice that the companies often employed a loose definition of the word “playset.” I’d consider this one more of a “chachka,” but I don’t fault its makers for not using that word: Kids don’t know it, and they’d probably pronounce it all wrong.

Beginning as a mere rocking pony, the toy splits open into a magical world of Cabbage Patch wonder. Using a secret lever, little girls could rock the horse-riding CPK girl back and forth, and spin the outside window to alternate between daytime and nighttime settings. I’m not exactly sure why that’s fun, but then, I never had the opportunity to be a little girl.

Mighty Max Playset: Ah ha! This would’ve been my chaser toy. I haven’t talked about the Mighty Max collection much, but it was brilliant. Each snap-shut playset (often in the shape of a strange creature’s head) opened up into a whole little world for a tiny Mighty Max figure to roam around in. Max, the hero, usually found himself trespassing in some disfigured villain’s lair, meaning that the motif of the playsets and extra figures usually leaned towards the horrific and/or outright bizarre.

Think back to how special it felt whenever you were able to get your hands on a new playset for your action figures. Though small, every toy in the Mighty Max line was a playset. Okay, I’m using the word “playset” too much, right? I know. I see it. I can’t stop. Playset playset playset.

Sadly, this “playset” is really just an attractive-but-cheap puzzle game. Using a lever (more levers!), you can guide a nearly-flat Mighty Max figure up an underground tunnel, trying to make his body squeeze past two also-nearly-flat monsters. It looks nice, but it isn’t much fun to play with.

On the other hand, when shut, the playset looks like a disembodied frozen skull, and those are definitely fun to play(set) with.

Polly Pocket Playset: Next up is Mighty Max’s similarly-styled but more popular sister, Polly Pocket. The deal with Polly was the same: Each toy was a p-word, but instead of having Polly face off against mummies and worm-bodied mutants, she just kinda fed the dog and watered plastic flowers.

In Happy Meal form, Polly lives in a tiny house with a flip-top lid. Inside, we’re free to wheel her around her two-room condo, which consists only of a kitchen and a bedroom. Stickers inside the lid suggest a toy-filled attic, but since Polly can’t physically visit a room that’s only shown in sticker-form, I refuse to count it.

The toy would’ve been cooler if Polly was a detachable figure, but I can understand why she wasn’t: It would’ve been a major choking hazard. I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself for figuring that out. I could do nothing of note for the rest of the day, and I’d still feel really accomplished.

Fisher-Price Great Adventures “Knight Figurine”: The “Great Adventures” collection from Fisher-Price may have skewed a little younger than most boys preferred, but this set is the sleeper hit of the “Totally Toy” collection. Despite the name, we actually get two figures: A black-armored knight, and a dragon for him to slay. The hollow plastic dragon, with its warty skin and complete lack of pupils, may very well be my new favorite thing in the universe.

I can’t tell if the knight’s supposed to be killing or protecting the dragon. On one hand, he’s holding a sword with the only articulated limb on his whole body. On the other hand, his shield has a picture of a dragon on it. Only that dragon is yellow. Maybe he’s fighting the green dragon, for the yellow dragon? I guess it doesn’t matter much, because in my hands, a silly mustached knight will never win a battle against a cool, warty dragon.

“Once Upon A Dream” Princess Figurine: Also from Fisher-Price, this collection of royal-themed dolls and accessories fizzled out by 1997, leaving nothing but leftover Happy Meal toys as proof that it ever existed. This “Princess” figurine would totally look like a confused boy if you chopped all of the extra hair off. I can’t come up with much to do with the doll other than brush its scalp and wryly comment on its ridiculous similarity to Andy from Family Ties.

Hot Wheels “Vehicle With Ramp”: Though we’ve already seen one “Totally Toy” entry from Hot Wheels, this one reflects the line’s true bread and butter: Diecast cars that hurt like hell when you throw them at people. The set includes a cheapo plastic ramp, but the real star is the neat red car with an exposed engine. I’m sure it was based on an actual, existing automobile, but I’m pretty stupid when it comes to cars. I’m apparently also stupid when it comes to launching cars from tiny, plastic ramps: On my first try, I managed to shoot the thing straight into my half-filled coffee cup, spraying unforgiving black tar onto the pile of mail I had just brought inside.

I’ve decided not to hold this against the toy: It’s a cool car, and a junky ramp is better than no ramp at all.

“Holiday Barbie” Figurine: Barbie’s been involved with many Happy Meal promotions over the years, and she’s shown us better stuff than this. I guess she figured that it just wasn’t worth putting real effort into Happy Meal that was about more than just her. I mean, look at the way she’s posed. “Yup, I’m here, blah blah, let’s get this over with.” Pretty boring overall, but since it was Barbie, it’s likely that this was the most-sought of the “Totally Toy” girly offerings.

McDonald’s has since employed other Happy Meal promotions featuring toys from several different brands, but when thrown under a holiday banner, it all just seemed to click a little louder. Hell, even the food bags were cool!

While I’m something of a purist who firmly believes that all Happy Meals should be served in colorful, house-shaped boxes, this was one great bag! The front and the back featured images representing all of the available toys, who rallied together to help kids solve a number of puzzles and mazes. I’m of the mind that any and all bags should double as timewasters, and this sure beats trying to count the red dots whenever I buy something from Target.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!