I’m just starting to build out a “real” article for the first time since July, and while I’m not prepared to say when it will go live, I will at least vow to a window of sometime within the next eight months. This is your SNT, and I am really bored for your SNT. Really, really bored. The kind of bored one might mistake for severe depression. I can’t think of anything to be too depressed about, so I guess I’m just bored. Bored, bored bored.
Finally saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer last night, and I really didn’t mind it. I look at the FF movie series as the truest concession to kids and families of all the big budget comic book movies: Really light, airy and safe. There’s a place for movies like that, which is probably why both films managed to do so well despite being totally the opposite of what fans wanted. That said, I’ve got two complaints, which I will attempt to spill without spoilers. One, they shouldn’t have brought back Doom if that was all they had in mind. Two, the ending was really, really contrite and stupid, and felt more appropriate for the season finale of a Fantastic Four television series than a Fantastic Four movie. On the upside, they probably gave Stan Lee another 500 bucks for his cameo shot, and that increases the chances that I’ll sit next to him on the bleachers at the Meadowlands Racerack someday.
It’s a little early to be writing about these, but by the time they’re officially in season, I’ll probably be busier writing about more interesting things to bother with ‘em. Soooo…here they are! Stocking stuffers, straight from Wal-Mart’s burgeoning Christmas section.
I can’t remember if I’ve ever written about this before…I probably have, but if I don’t remember it, hopefully you won’t either. My parents didn’t include stockings as part of my Christmas tradition when I was young, but by the time I was old and bratty enough to properly convey my malcontent, I pleaded my way into the most comically oversized Christmas stocking imaginable, and I loved it to death. Since our family exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve at midnight (which is technically Christmas Day at midnight, but you know what I mean), the stocking contained the only “new” gifts for Christmas morning.
I’ve carried this tradition into adulthood, and fully intend to raise whatever children I might have with the Christmas stocking rule firmly in place. For now, the woman and I fill each other’s socks. We usually give each other random things like soap and hair conditioner and other daily necessities, but hey, on Christmas morning, I’d rather be excited about new soap than need to stay excited over presents I got the night before.
Wal-Mart had over a dozen random stocking stuffer toys under their “Dept. 18″ banner, but most were too junky to be worth covering. Here’s a look at the best three. Still junky, but not in any record-setting way…
The Lump of Coal is a nice, cloth sack containing what I believe to be real pieces of coal. I can’t say for sure, but they’re definitely made from some kind of rock. Whatever surprise factor may have existed in the concept of hiding coal bricks in a cloth bag is eradicated with the golden “YOU’VE BEEN NAUGHTY” lettering on said bag, but truth be told, I’d probably buy random coal bricks for $1.88 even without the cloth sack or happy Christmas connection, so these are a-okay.
Wal-Mart didn’t go through tremendous trouble in naming these toys, but at least they were succinct: This one’s official title is Large Bendable Santa Claus, and that’s *exactly* what he is. Standing around ten inches tall, Santa can be easily contorted to match just about any illustration in a taekwondo pamphlet or a book on sex positions.
They had two different Spinning Toys available. I picked Santa because he fit tonight’s theme better than their other variety: A duck in winter clothing. You’ve seen these before. Push in the little button, and Santa’s body will split apart and spin at top speeds, revealing a hidden wonder underneath. In this case, the hidden wonder is a tiny snowman wearing a green hat. I’ve already managed to break the thing, so I can’t give it a firm recommendation even despite its low price of one buck. On the other hand, the toy’s package has the text written in several languages, and how else are you going to learn to say “spinning toy” in Spanish? Juguete giratorio, motherfucker!
I’m still bored.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
) but I would most definitely buy a T-shirt if one was for sale. That’s how I roll.
Christmas features already. I bet Mare is getting ready even as we speak (or should that be type?)