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11/02/2007: Hickory Dickory Dock.

We hit Target last night to pick up all of the little things that help make life cleaner, and I couldn’t help browsing through the holiday section, partly because I secretly want it to be December, but mostly because it’s impossible to resist a series of twenty fully illuminated seven foot Christmas trees, especially when they’re placed on display tables that make them look more like ten foot Christmas trees.

On the stroll there, we passed by the Halloween clearance section, where everything was marked down to 50% of its original cost. There is nothing more depressing than seeing decorations for a holiday that’s already passed. It just sucks the wind out of me. I know so many people who love to go ornament shopping on December 26th when the prices get slashed, but I’m the complete opposite. Once a holiday passes, I can’t even hear its name without wanting to throw up.


Speaking of nausea, it’s that time of year again: Hickory Farms gift boxes are back in style! I know everyone thinks they’re gross, but I’ve been forever fascinated with the mysteriously indestructible cheeses and random sausage loafs found in each set. It’s kind of like Christmas astronaut food. Nobody would buy a package of Cracker Barrel cheese that’s been sitting out on an unrefrigerated shelf for three months, but with Hickory Farms, it’s par for the course.


I’ve never been able to grasp the concept. It’s not like the food in these boxes is so good that people need to have them, so I can only imagine that they’re primarily used as gifts. Gifts by mail, for the most part. I don’t think you’d bring this over to a friend’s house and insist that he or she crack it open while you’re sitting there, because it forces them to eat alien sausage while trying to fake a happy face.

At the same time, I love having a Hickory Farms box at my disposal during the holidays. Since they can apparently exist peacefully without any chill factor, the boxes serve as much for decorative use as they do for edible use. And let’s face it…even if you think the contents are gross, the day will come when you’re jussst hungry, drunk or depressed enough to grab a butterknife and swab warm, nondescript cheese over a cracked wheat wafer. It might take several weeks or even a few months, but eventually, “Beef Summer Sausage” will mean more to your personal lexicon than the assumed name of a gay porn flick.


I already did a ditty on a Hickory Farms gift box during the 2003 Advent Calendar, but the contents in this box are different enough for me to feel okay with rinsing and repeating. I’ve gone through tremendous trouble to assign numeric values to each ingredient in the photo above, which magically correlate to the descriptions below. See? I told you that X-E’s Christmas season was going to rock. I’m already assigning numeric values!

1) I’m assuming this to be spreadable cheese, but the official title on the plastic tube is Smoked Flavor (Chub). I’ve only ever heard the word “chub” used to define a series of freshwater fish or a fat kid in middle school, but apparently, it also defines cheese. It isn’t terrible. Tastes kind of like an upscale EZ Cheeze.

2) Ahhh, it’s the Smokey Bar, my longtime favorite Hickory Farms foodstuff. A smoked blend of cheddar and Swiss cheeses, it’s got a great two-tone color and a nice, subtle kick. Despite its actuality as a cheddar/Swiss mutt, it’s more like gouda without the fun wax. You can spell gouda without good, but you can’t say it without it.

3) You get a little box with three Cracked Wheat Wafers, which taste not unlike the crackers one might buy to feed a gregarious goat at the petting zoo. They’re pretty awful, and what’s worse, you don’t even get an even number of them. If you’re sharing this with your beloved, who gets the last cracker? When a freakin’ cracker inspires the need for Solomon’s wisdom, shit ain’t right.

4) It looks like cheddar, but it’s not — it’s Chedam, an orangey blend of cheddar and Edam cheeses. All of these “mixed cheeses” give me the impression that Hickory Farms is fronted by a series of really competitive mad doctors who refuse to provide cheese that hasn’t been tweaked by some unscrupulous lab experiment.

5) Generally the largest and worst offering in any Hickory Farms gift box, the Beef Stick (subtitled “Beef Summer Sausage”) is an all-too-thick, soaking, speckled meat log that is more suited to driving nails in hard pavement than eating. It’s really, really gross.

6) A little jar of Sweet-Hot Mustard, which I couldn’t bring myself to taste because the color was a little too mayonnaise-esque. I assume the mustard is meant to compliment the Beef Stick, making it even more useless for someone of my disposition. On the plus side, the jar of evil provides me with at least one way to make a play for the last Cracked Wheat Wafer. “If you give me the third cracker, you can have the entire tub of Sweet-Hot Mustard.” Not since the Dutch bought NYC for a rosary necklace has a better deal laid in wait.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 135 comments

If I’m wrong for watching The Creepshow while having the mistletoe Yankee candle lit and playing the Christmas Jukebox then I don’t want to be right.

Ghosted by Bill @ 11/03/2007 2:07 AM EST


i used to live on candy but just realized i never ate a single piece this year, growing up does suck

Ghosted by nogood @ 11/03/2007 2:29 AM EST


Summer sausage rules, blabbo.

Ghosted by Anonymous @ 11/03/2007 2:49 AM EST


Knegative: A month ago? In space, I should expect. All cold is space cold. Which is just keen, in my book.

Ghosted by Jedoc @ 11/03/2007 9:17 AM EST


Hey, I kinda like summer sausage for reasons I can’t explain.

Man. Halloween sucked. I had to work and I didn’t even get to watch any scary movies.

Ghosted by Annette @ 11/03/2007 11:32 AM EST


Ugh I feel like a tool for all those multiple posts earlier. I’d click submit then think “oh wait..”. After the 3rd post in a row I started looking up Wordpress plug-ins that allowed to edit your own posts so you can actually pop in that extra little thought without having to double/triple post.

Today we are bracing for what is left of Noel. I believe Greg is going to get it worse than here but we are still looking at >60mph winds and the joys that the rain may be mixed with snow/freezing rain thanks to a cold system being sucked in from Quebec.

Matt mmmmmm see-through anatomical man slices of goodness smothered in gravy…..

Ghosted by Primus @ 11/03/2007 12:11 PM EST


Yeah Primus, Im Preparing for the wonderful atlantic canadian weather we all love so much :P although I don’t think it will be hitting Newfoundland as hard as you guys.

Ghosted by JoshC @ 11/03/2007 1:16 PM EST


I am the most random person in the world. I’m sitting here in sweat pants and a wife-beater. I have the window open. I am somewhat cold, I suppose.

The real reason is that I always wear button-down shirts to work and just like to act like a slob at home by running around in my undershirt (this drives my mother NUTS–mayhaps because I just chuck the shirts on the floor in the living room?).

However, I am going to chalk this up to making up for lost time in experiencing this delightful fall weather.

Ghosted by Knegative @ 11/03/2007 2:11 PM EST


Oh I love Swiss Colony. I do not remember a single year where we did not order a little something. Every year the first catalogue would arrive in like September, and my mom and I would sit at the kitchen table and start planning what we would order for us, and what we would order for other people. The quality of all Swiss Colony food, is amazing, but over the years, the size of everything has shrunk quite a bit! Anyone ordering from Swiss Colony, remember our trick- look for the little hard strawberry candies that come in the gift sets, this will give you an idea of the size of the other items!!! This is by far the best deal they have in their catalogue: http://www.swisscolony.com/Gift-Boxes–Baskets/Boxed-Assortments/27-Favorites.pro

Wow I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, and getting excited for Christmas already! Thanks Matt! :)

Ghosted by crazy_mainer @ 11/03/2007 2:25 PM EST


My wife and I just got back from a quick shopping trip and we were in our full glory looking at all the X-mas decorations. Almost everything we saw we wanted to pick up and as I said before my wife typically hasn’t been into X-mas so I’m thrice as excited about this year.

We also sampled some Beef Stick at the Hickory Farms display. I was tempted to try the Garlic Beef stick but not daring enough since I hadn’t tried the regular one before and I didn’t want to be a greedy sampler. A Beef Stick and Cheese Ball for 15$ though. We almost grabbed the Jalapeno Cheese Ball. MMMMmmmmMMMM Jalapeno….

Ghosted by Primus @ 11/03/2007 2:55 PM EST


Hmm. So Krispy Creme is having, uh , *ahem* “financial problems” , BUT, Hickory Farms is going strong with Beef Sticks?? How DO they do it?

Ghosted by citygirl @ 11/03/2007 3:26 PM EST


In case of Emergency, the Beef Stick can be used to beat down intruders, snakes on planes, Godzilla, and as an extra source of grease.

Meanwhile, I saw the trailer for Iron Man on my TransFormers DVD and it was pretty awesome. Can’t wait til May.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 11/03/2007 3:32 PM EST


I think a beef stick can stay lit for 40 days and 40 nights.

Ghosted by Bill @ 11/03/2007 3:37 PM EST


This review made my nausea worse. Having the flu and then reading about disgusting logs of nondescript byproducts is not the best way to spend the day.

Ghosted by RPharazon @ 11/03/2007 4:01 PM EST


Oh god, I had to stock those trees last night and you have absolutely no idea how much of a pain in the ass they are >_>

Ghosted by Jdeuel @ 11/03/2007 4:21 PM EST


Chuck Norris thought he was immortal…until he met the Hickory Beef Stick.

PRIMUS: I am in Fredericton, NB!

Ghosted by Muppet Baby @ 11/03/2007 4:45 PM EST


Saw Bee Movie last night, and I can’t believe how hard I laughed. It is packed to the brim with jokes, you all need to go see it!

Ghosted by Tommy @ 11/03/2007 5:02 PM EST


No lie, I “won” a beef stick in a pull tab game at a hick bar over the summer. It has been sitting in my fridge ever since.
Happy Pre-SNT to all. I am doing what I rarely do and going out tonight. Good night for it with Daylights savings and all. So if there is an official SNT tonight I may post a bit inebriated. Today the city began putting up the holiday decorations. That was a sight to see as I walked out my front door.

Ghosted by kb @ 11/03/2007 5:43 PM EST


Happy SNT

So whats the word, Bee Movie was actually really funny? I have to check that out. American Gangster just came out too though.

Ghosted by Joker @ 11/03/2007 6:00 PM EST


Muppet Baby: Another East Coast Canuk! If there is ever an XE event we can all carpool :) …If this turns into the SNT, Have a good one folks!

Ghosted by Greg @ 11/03/2007 6:05 PM EST


Happy SNT everyone! It’s the story of my life. A full bottle of rum and no coke.

Ghosted by Bill @ 11/03/2007 7:33 PM EST


SNT coming up in a bit.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/03/2007 7:45 PM EST


Hey Matt, I hope your up for a full Advent Calender this year. Reading it daily is always a high-light of my holiday season. If you didn’t do one, I think I’d have to do it myself, and then not credit you. And then probably get on Digg and get crushed with a server bill the length of my arm. Seriously, make sure you do it. Please.

Ghosted by Saint Stryfe @ 11/03/2007 7:48 PM EST


Muppet Baby cool an hour away… have a few friends up that way too… Josh can hit Halifax and come this way with Greg, we can then get Muppet and head for the border… I’m sure Matt would love unexpected foreign company lmao…

I knew we should have gotten some beef sticks in case we lose power.. it would outlast the roaches without refrigeration AND still taste the same!

Ghosted by Primus @ 11/03/2007 8:14 PM EST


FIrst off, this is one of the most well written articles I’ve read here in quite a while. Not to say the others aren’t quality, but it seems Matt’s lost his Halloween funk and is back in proper form.

As far as cheese goes, with the exception of the mozorella on pizza that I guess I just have to deal with, I HATE any and all cheeses and anything to do with them. I know I’m weird in that respect, or at least people insist on reminding me I am, but I just can’t even stomach the smell of cheese, much less the taste. Same goes for mayo.

I checked out Target and Wal Mart the other day for after-Halloween deals and all I found that I wanted was a paper-weight kind of thing that was made of clear glass that appeared to have a spider suspended inside of it. I remember seeing it before Halloween and wanted it then. They also had one with a skeleton in it that I liked back then, but I coudln’t find it this time around. I also got my first ever Jones soda, in the little 4 packs of the cans. I think I got Gruesome Grape. I’ll let you guys know what I think of it when I get round to drinking it.

On the subject of regifting, my cousins and I have a gift that we swap back and forth every year for Christmas out of tradition and it’s never been opened. At first it was a mistake and now it’s just turned into an ongoing joke. Each year the packaging gets more and more bizarre and harder to open. This year is their turn, so I wonder what I’m going to end up with.

cb: How about “Beef Sausage 4: Electric Beffaloo”

JoshC: Thanks loads. The b-day was a blast and I danced more than I have in years. It was nice to see everyone out at the club and now that I’m back in town I was overwelmed by all the people that came up and were begging me to start my regular dj’ing gigs up there again, cause I’ve been gone for over a year. Looks like I’ve still got a following after all. Now, if I can just get the radio show up and running again. Habby birthday, Kinglash!

Ghosted by DJ D @ 11/04/2007 1:32 PM EST


Huh…I actually really like summer sausage, and I like the Hilshire Farms gift sets, in all their preservatives-laden splendor.

But then again, I was the kid in school who ate glue, so what do I know?

Ghosted by tanta07 @ 11/05/2007 9:45 AM EST


BLASPHEMY!

Ye who dareth disparague the Summer Sausage angers the snack gods. Doust thou not know-eth that Summer Sausage is the smoke meat of the immortals? Tis not the Holiday Season in my screwed-up, constantly imploding family without the Summer Sausage.

(And by the way, it’s smoked so it’s perfectly preserved and needs not refridgeration.)

I used to go to the Creamery at college and get three of them for the Thanksgiving holiday — regular, smokey honey, and spicy. And some nice local cheddar or monty jack cheese curds … yum. Gee, and I wonder why my entire family is fat.

Ghosted by Lemur @ 11/05/2007 10:54 AM EST


I don’t know what you are talking about when it comes to the Summer Sasuage. It’s the main reason I love getting these sets. Maybe it’s because I live in Kansas but I think they are the greatest ever.

Ghosted by Anthony J Sullivan @ 11/06/2007 1:01 AM EST


Man, who knew there were so many summer sausage fans in the house? I haven’t caught this much flack since I wrote that post about Fahrenheit 911.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/06/2007 1:15 AM EST


I did a google search for Beef Stick and the first link I found was: http://www.inspection.gc.ca/english/corpaffr/recarapp/1999/19990112e.shtml
This made me laugh.

Ghosted by Jamie Geremia @ 11/06/2007 2:23 PM EST


I am reminded of a holiday season spent in Alesia. Ceasar saw fit to supply his 13th legion with a selection of smokey meats and cheeses from the respected citizens of Hickory Farms. These rations where looked upon highly by the men who feasted round the watch fires late into the night.

The following day was spent breaking rock with our shit. This ability would have served us well during the initial siege of these fortifications.

Ghosted by Lucius Vorenus @ 11/09/2007 3:58 AM EST


That’d be my favorite fake comment ever, right there.

Ghosted by Matt @ 11/09/2007 9:51 AM EST


I bought one of those for my Sister’s Boyfriend once in late November. I had it wrapped and under my tree for about a month, I also had radiant heating (you know when your floor gets hot). One of the meat stick’s wrappers inflated and looked like it was breathing.

Ghosted by Aron @ 11/09/2007 5:11 PM EST


Hey, hickory farms! My brother usually gives me one of those gift packs, just like the one above, for my birthday as a joke. And i admit i’m starting to like these immortal food bits. The cheeses are good, i don’t hate the mustard, and the crackers are stale. But then again, i kinda like stale crackers. The only thing is that disgusting summer sausage. My dogs won’t even eat it.

Ghosted by Nikki @ 11/10/2007 1:37 PM EST


In addition to the tiny Hickory Farms gift boxes, Target also had the new holiday Jones soda flavors. (Made with real Cane Sugar!) Bought Christmas Cocoa which is yummy! Chocolate soda with a slight minty taste. Tastes good also with a little vanilla vodka mixed with it.
What I want most for Christmas is a Harry & David gift basket – I send them but nobody ever sends one to me:-(… Did order myself the Cheesecake Petit Fours once – yum!

Ghosted by Paula @ 11/12/2007 10:41 PM EST


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