I knew such searches would bear no fruit, but I couldn't help myself from starting the requisite "Mountain Dew Pitch Black III" Google hunt several months ago, hoping and praying that the folks at Pepsi would see the error of their ways and bring back the only thing that could save this MISERABLE Halloween season.
If you're new to this, I'll explain. Three years ago, Pepsi introduced Mountain Dew Pitch Black -- a purple, grapey wondercola meant to compliment the spookiest of all seasons. The following year, they broke the mold with Pitch Black II, revising the original formula with an extra sour bite. Grossly mismarketed as some kind of goofy hipster college drink, the drink flopped and ended Pitch Black's tenure as a mass-produced soda forevermore. BUT, we got a small reprieve last year with Target's Pitch Black II ICEE, which was just enough to keep me at a reasonably happy, no-need-for-suicide level.
This year, no such luck. Pitch Black is dead. Still, it doesn't feel right to march through the month of October without paying tribute to the unholy wondercola in some fashion, and while my Google searches provided no information on any new versions or Slurpees or whatnot, they did give me one small glimmer of joy: A drink recipe that mixes Mountain Dew Pitch Black and Jagermeister.
And it's a good recipe, too. Not only is it supremely simple, but its name is almost too offensive so say aloud in front of strangers.
You might be wondering how effective this recipe is when it calls for a soda that's no longer being produced. It really isn't a problem, because both the original and sequel versions of Mountain Dew Pitch Black are pretty easily found on eBay. So long as you're okay with swallowing soda that's technically too old to swallow, you too can offend select denominations sheerly by telling them the name of your drink.
I happen to own a stockpile of Pitch Black and Pitch Black II, and decided to go with the latter drink as it's a little less ancient. As is always the case with Jager, you should leave the bottle in your freezer for as long as possible before making the cocktail. If you're a stranger to Jager, picture drinking freezing cold grape cough syrup. That's pretty much all it is.
The end result is a pretty, purple glass of something that honestly doesn't taste so bad. The Pitch Black helps take the sting out of the liquor, so while it very much tastes like "Jager in soda," you can at least take a sip without making "oh God" faces afterwards. I won't be drinking this on any regular basis, but considering its ingredients, it's perfect for October. Plus, what the hell else am I supposed to do with all of those leftover cans of Mountain Dew Pitch Black? I only needed one for display purposes.
It may be a little late for you to round up some of the Dew from eBay and get everything into a highball glass before Halloween, but I assume the recipe would be salvageable with plain old grape soda.
This isn't exactly a step up from the Pitch Black goodness of yesteryear, but I'm still happy to bring a little dark Dew goodness into the season. Still wish Pepsi would reconsider their stance, though. One would imagine that the Internet is rife with virtual petitions in favor of a Pitch Black revival, but I felt it was my duty to contact Pepsi directly and tell them to treat me better.
And that's how I met Lisa.
If you click into the HELP section on Pepsi's official site, you'll meet Lisa. Lisa is Pepsi's "virtual representative," who will respond to any and all questions with a series of cheeky, automated responses. She's an excellent way to kill an hour, especially if you're already feeling goofy from drinking two Black Nazis.
Maybe Lisa could help spearhead my movement to bring Mountain Dew Pitch Black back into the fold?
Lisa sucks.
Posted by Matt on 10/19/2007. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
JAEGERMEISTER IS LICORICE FLAVORED, NOT GRAPE. WHY IN THE HELL HAS NOBODY MENTIONED THIS?!?!?!?!